Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Of course the first thing I did after checking my Facebook, e-mail, and library due dates was read a news update about how the finale of The Bachelorette turned out. Jillian chose Ed. I am sorry, but I don't think it is going to last. I feel like Jillian forced herself to "fall in love" because she felt she was in the show too deep. Like, ABC gathered all these men, spent all this money on wonderful dates, and she thinks she should be able to pick someone from all that. I don't know about you, but I realized half way through the season that all these guys were not for her. It's like shopping for a pair of jeans and Nordstrom. Everybody tells you you should be able to pick a nice pair, but you try them on and none of them really fit exactly right. But you end up buying a pair anyway, saying you can cinch it up with a belt, or hem them up, or something, because the sales girl has invested all this time into getting new sizes for you and she even ran to Starbucks to get you a latte because you were so tired. You can't let her down. So you hand over your credit card. In this case, Jillian hands over her ring finger. Such a tragedy.

I just discovered this really great blog at www.redactedblog.blogspot.com This guy Dan writes the funniest stuff. He's from New York but just moved to Miami. Sometimes his girlfriend Brooke writes on his blog and she is equally as funny. They do really snarky re-caps of The Bachelorette, and for the finale they did a live blog of it (wrote while watching the show). Then Dan has these really great Million Dollar Ideas that he shares. Additionally, after Dan saw previews where Amy Adams stars in a movie about blogging, he has hope that one day Zac Efron will play him in the movie of Redacted. The only bad thing about the blog is that it is archived back to November 2006, which means I have a lot of catching up to do.

Currently listening to in my car via audiobook: The City of Ember. I am way into it. There is this city and they are completely in the dark and depend on lightbulbs (duh). As far as they know, no other towns exist. But now there is an emergency and all their supplies are running low, and there is a secret, lost box with instructions, and this little girl finds it and I am going to go crazy because I don't know how it is going to end!

I am supposed to have a house in eight days or less. (!)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Annoying pop culture

Michael Jackson dies and then all of a sudden Target has to sell these black marching band jackets. I mean seriously? Are they going to start selling white gloves separately as well? People are so crazy over Michael Jackson. I was driving the other day when I saw a van totally decked out in window paint with messages honoring MJ. A bit overboard, don't you think?

So there's this new song on the radio and I'll be honest that I wasn't really listening to the lyrics. Then the chorus came. I heard "When I takes over, when I takes over, when I takes over..." I had to change the station because it was getting on my nerves that they couldn't properly conjugate their verbs. When I take over, when he/she takes over, when they take over, when we take over. Get it right. Well apparently I need to get my hearing checked, because I Googled the song and it is called "When Love Takes Over." Um, yeah. That's not what I heard. I guess I am going deaf.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The vicious cycle of reality TV

Oh my gosh, someone please stab me in the eyes with a fork. If you've been a long time reader, you know about my unhealthy habit of watching trashy reality TV shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Due to the fact that I don't have TV or quality internet during the summer, I've missed the last four episodes of The Bachelorette. Instead, I read news articles about what happened on the episodes so I still am in the know. Apparently last night was the special episode "The Men Tell All" whereupon Jason Mesnick and Molly appeared to give an update on their life. While reading the humorous article, I discovered that Deanna Pappas, the bachelorette that dumped Jason (causing him to become The Bachelor), has a TV show on Lifetime! Aaack! I hated her, to be honest. She seemed too demanding. Now she is the co-host with Colin Cowie on Get Married, which I guess is some sort of wedding planning show. She's such a pain.

The Bachelor/The Bachelorette needs to die off so I (and people like me, cough cough Aunt Bink) can stop wasting time. Put some stupid bass fisher on again to end the vicious cycle.

In other news, my dad tried to get me to use the backhoe yesterday. He's like "I could teach you how. It could be fun, moving all that dirt in a single bound." It was really hot outside so I passed, much as operating heavy equipment excited me. When I came back from town that night, he was still out digging by our pond (if you could call it that...it's more there so that the lower fields don't flood).

Today I saw some kid I recognized, but couldn't place. Then I saw the adult she was with and realized it was the sister of one of my students from my student teaching practicum. I've already last count of how many kids that is this summer...maybe like 8? I don't know. Everywhere I look I see kids I feel I should know.

After tutoring I went to the park to lay on the grass and eat my lunch. It was quite splendid and then I witnessed a comedy on the way back to my car. All these mothers sitting on the grass with their kids started getting attacked by the sprinklers, which came on without a warning. They were all grabbing at towels and chairs and books, trying to flee. By that point I was overheated so I made it a point to walk through the mist.

Life tip: If at all possible, park your car next to the curb in a parking lot, so that you are only parked right next to one other car. This decreases your chances of someone hitting your car doors by 50%

Monday, July 20, 2009


Ponies are lovely mammals that you can ride. They can be all different colors, like black, chestnut, white, freckled, piebald, dun, bay, and dapple--which means gray with whitish spots. You can also brush ponies and braid their hair. Ponies love to munch carrots and fresh, green grass. But don't let your pony eat too much grass or he/she may get sick! And then you'll have to call the vet and they will have to stick this gross tube up your pony's nose and give him castor oil and practically pump his stomach because he got out of his stall and ate a whole barrel of grain and will die if he doesn't poop it out pronto. Oh wait, sorry. Ponies love to nuzzle your neck and take you for adventures through the forest. When I ride my pony I wear a white, flowing gown, and go barefoot. Fairies play musical instruments in my ears while I gallop near the streams.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I'm pretending to be...

...a real estate agent today. This afternoon my mom and I are going to our old house and I have to take pictures and create an ad to sell their house. My dad made one and I looked at it and said "You need help." I mean, I watch a lot of HGTV, I know these things.

So I plan on taking more/better pictures and measuring the rooms so we can advertise the dimensions because they are HUGE. Like, I am fairly certain two of the bedrooms equals more than the entire square footage of my old townhouse.

When I re-do the ad I will eliminate my dad's random, odd capitalization. Oh, totally forgot to tell you this the other day. I think it was Thursday night and I went to bed and turned the lights off of course. I'm sprawled there, in a dark room, for maybe thirty-five minutes. Then my mom opens the door and says "are you asleep?" No. I'm not. Obviously. She says "how do you spell 'remodeled'? It doesn't have two Ls does it?" Absolutely not. I tell her how to spell it, and then she shuts the door, and I roll over at my fourth attempt of getting comfortable. Apparently I am the (nearly) sleeping dictionary. There's this thing on your computer called spell check....

I told my mom I charge a 1% commission on all homes I sell. She said maybe she'd let me store my childhood crap in a closet at their house for 3-5 years. I said deal.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Fake interview with a real celebrity

The Real Pretend was fortunate enough to schedule a fictional interview with reality star Lauren Conrad. We asked some hard hitting questions and got the dirt.

TRP: Thanks so much for doing this exclusive interview.

LC: You're totally welcome.

TRP: So, Lauren, you have a new book out, LA Candy. It's been a top seller for weeks. You claim it's fiction, but I can't help but see some parallels to your own life.

LC: I know, I know.

TRP: I mean, the main character moves to LA and then gets chosen to star in a reality show....you're trying to tell us that's not you?

LC: I drew from real life experiences, but all the events in the book were fiction.

TRP: Quite the creative imagination you've got there. So like, did you just write down everything you wished would've happened? I remember reading chapter seven where the main character slashes the tires of her ex-best friend's controlling boyfriend.

LC: No, I would never slash someone's tires. It was just a filler for the chapter because I felt the plot was moving along too slowly without it.

TRP: Let's talk about your non-fictionalized ex best-friend, Heidi Montag Pratt.

LC: Everybody wants to bring her up.

TRP: True. But I still have a question for you. Do you think being so vocal with her faith on her recent appearance of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here is a marketing ploy for the upcoming season of The Hills?

LC: How so?

TRP: I mean, Spencer got baptized in the jungle and the newly married couple spent time praying (when they weren't yelling at the other cast members for taking their hair products). Now that you won't be on The Hills to act as a foil to their characters, don't you think they are looking to polish up their images? Stop being the villains and become the nice, caring couple that everyone sympathizes with?

LC: Well, with Kristin Cavallari coming onto the show, Heidi and Spencer definitely would have to compete for the villain spotlight. She's a total b*tch. In high school I let her borrow my Prada bag and she totally stained it with potatoes.

TRP: Sounds oddly familiar...

LC: But honestly, I don't care about what happens on The Hills. I've moved on, you know? I have two more books I'm contracted to write, and my fashion line to think about. Reality TV is so trashy. I'm glad I could finally get out of it.

TRP: Thank you Lauren, for your time today. I just have one more question for you.

LC: Yes?

TRP: Where'd you get your shirt?

LC: Oh, this? It's Chanel.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Seven Hours

Today I:
*tutored kiddos
*ate my packed lunch near the water fountain at the library
*went to the Quilt Forest. ! I know, right?
*visited the Riverfront Park and lounged in the shade and sun reading a book, watching toddlers play in the fountain, and observing the Willamette Queen give people rides
*stopped by realtor's office to sign some papers
*drove by my soon-to-be house to stalk it a little, but then I saw an electric van was parked there. Hopefully they are fixing the light switches today.
*bought some Sun-In to blonde out my hair
*went to the gym and watched HGTV (Deserving Design and Spice Up My Kitchen)
*bought cool-whip instead of ice cream and ate it. But it was totally on purpose. I could eat tubs of cool-whip all day. Okay, maybe not all day, but definitely when it is hot outside
*now I think I will go spray Sun-In on my hair and go read more of Barbie and Ruth on our balcony.

Monday, July 13, 2009


Happy Monday.

I went to the library on Saturday and now I am currently reading:

Barbie and Ruth by Robin Gerber. It's a biography on Ruth Handler, the inventor of Mattel and Barbie. Quite interesting. She was a powerhouse. On pg 78 of 253.

Don't Get Caught With Your Skirt Down: a practical girl's recession guide by Jill and Dan Keto. It tells you some economic stuff and how to be thrifty and a variety of other handy things, like how to haggle with a car salesman. On pg 154 of 232.

'Wichcraft by Tom Colicchio. It's a book of tasty sandwich recipes and glossy photos. I'm not on a page number because I mostly just flip through the photos to find something that looks tasty. But there are 200 in case you were wondering.

Last watched: Confessions of a Shopaholic. Totally a chick flick but a cute one. The books by Sophie Kinsella (highly recommend!) are much more dishy, but I have to say that the actor who played Luke Brandon was pretty cute. And guess what? My dad actually stayed awake to watch it with me and my mom. Ahhh, cute family time, right?

I had some super bizarre dreams last night, one in which I was being saved by a giant dog, then attacked by a wolf, then I flew over a forest, and my sister had to shoot a bear. But in another part of the dream "hopscotch" was the name of one of the dogs. I woke up and realized it's a great pet rabbit name.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Help! I think I might get kidnapped!

Oh my gatos and perros. They're back again. Just when I was sitting down to blog, this creeper white car starts inching down our road again. I think they are casing the place. What I need right now is a pair of binoculars so I can see their license plate and a Nerf gun with darts. Let me give you the details.

I decided to finally hook up my all the cords to my non-laptop computer so I could do some work instead of being lazy all day. I hauled the heavy equipment into our front sitting room and started hooking everything up. There are all these windows that give you a great view of Mt. Hood on a clear day, and these windows also provided me with the view of a slowly traveling white car. I didn't think much about it but then I nearly had a cardiac arrest when, from behind my back, I hear a car honk. I turn and look out the window behind me and there is this white car sitting halfway down our driveway.

My mom is up in Portland at a bead show and my dad is who knows where, so I am here all by myself. It's not my house so I don't answer the phone and I am certainly not going to go greet the unknown car in the driveway in my pajamas (yes, it's 1pm at this point). Instead, I hide. For a while I thought it was one of those first class mail cars, you know how they go to your house and honk so they can deliver your letter to you? I'm pretty sure now that it is not a mail car, because I am fairly certain the United States Postal Office does not employ complete stalkers.

Like I said, this car left and then I finished hooking up my computer. Let me tell you of the joy. After I had everything running I went into my Dad's office and borrowed his USB air card. You plug it into your computer for internet access, and it's really handy for laptops because then you can have internet when you are on a road trip or something. Anyway, I plugged it into my computer, and wouldn't you know it? A miracle occurred. I've been trying to use his computer for internet but it is basically garbage. I didn't think the reception would work much better on my computer, but it does. I think it's more his computer is slow than anything. So now I have web access, still a bit slow, but it exists. Only thing is, I have to return the air card to his computer as soon as he gets home or he'll freak out.

Back to the creeper car. So I finally get on-line and was getting caught up with my favorite blogs when I see this car go past my road AGAIN. It drives down the road very slowly and then stops at the end before rounding the corner. It's real hard to see at the corner because we have all these trees growing, but I knew it was there. Then it turns around and goes back down the road. It stops at the other end, instead of rounding that corner. It stays there for like, seven minutes. It's really eerie because I'm not sure what this guy is checking out. I mean, the horses are stationed in a pasture near that end, but surely this guy is not a horse thief? Finally I watch as he turns the corner and I think that he drives back to town.

So I start blogging when out of the corner of my eye I see the creeper white car again. I duck low so they can't tell someone is in the house and watch as they drive to one corner and stop. The road that my parents live on is not highly trafficked, so people can just stop in the middle of it without clogging traffic if they want. The car turns and goes back down the other way very slowly, like they are watching our property. They stop at the end and wait. At this point I really wish I had a pair of binoculars so I can get their plate number. Finally, they turn the corner again.

I ask you, what the heck is going on? Why are they stalking my house, why did they leave for ten minutes, and then come back? Why did they come into my driveway and honk? Am I going to get robbed?

This is all very eerie. I have half a mind to run out there to the road if I see them again and yell. But mostly I wish I had a long distance Nerf gun so I could put on some camo and hide in our rows of trees and get them with sticky darts as they drive by.

What do you think is happening? Am I about to witness a crime?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Bits and Pieces

I thought I'd take the time to share with you the amazing shaving cream that is Barbasol Pure Silk. I was in the shower the other day when I realized I have been using the same can for at least three months, if not longer. It cost me one buck at the Dollar Tree. I used to buy the foaming gel made by Skintimate, but I was at the Dollar Tree one time and decided to try the $1 rasberry scent that Barbasol makes. It's the can that keeps on giving, like Mary Poppins' carpet bag.

I went to Costco last night with my mom and I think I may have found my future couch. There was a matching leather sofa and love seat. They both recline and are super squishy and wonderful to sit/sprawl out on. I'm still checking out other places though.

Today I broke down and indulged on the high calorie goodness that is the chocolate chip cookie dough twisted frosty from Wendy's. The cookie dough was soft and the ice cream was cold and it was delish. Now I need to go to the gym.

I'm currently reading this book by Trenton Lee Stewart called The Mysterious Benedict Society. These children have to take all of these really difficult tests and then they get in to the society and are asked to go on dangerous missions and save the world. It's an alright book, I mean, I read it for about two hours a day, but I feel like it's trying to copy Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. I mean, the main characters are orphans (though they are not related), the evil character is a bit like Count Olaf, there are codes and disguises, etc. Other elements in the book have already been done too, like the evil dude is striving for world domination by sending subliminal messages into peoples' minds using TV and radio (wasn't that the whole plot of the movie Josie and the Pussy Cat Dolls with Rachel Leigh Cook?) But I'm only half way through the book so maybe it will surprise me. Oh, forgot, the nice guy (Dr. Benedict) is the twin of the evil guy (Mr. Curtain). Only neither one knows they have a twin. Beware the Gemini.

Sorry if you were reading that book too and I just ruined it all for you. But if you were like me, you figured everything out two chapters ahead of when the characters did.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Strictly a House Update

On Monday I met with my mortgage broker to sign a fat stack of disclosures, and then I visited my realtor at his office to write/sign a repair addendum to send to the seller.

Within the next week and a half the appraisal should be done. In case you're not familiar with this stuff (haha, like I am), the bank that you are trying to get a loan at sends an appraiser to look at the house that you want to buy. The appraiser determines the current worth of the house. If it is worth less than what you offered the seller, then the bank won't give you a loan. The appraiser has to say that the house is worth as much as the selling price, if not more, in order for your loan to go through.

FYI we were trying really hard to get a conventional loan, but I'm going to have to get an FHA loan. This is because I only have one credit card, which apparently is not good enough, even if you have really excellent credit. So if you are thinking about buying a house in the next few years, you should have about three credit cards. Personally, I find this unnecessary, but the bank doesn't.

After the appraisal is done then I can actually start working on the real-life paper work for my loan (which--let's be honest--terrifies me).

Natalie and I went to Lowe's yesterday and looked at paint chips for the bathrooms. Natalie also got in one of the model bathtubs, and I took a picture. She forgot her cell phone inside of it and we had to look for it later. We also checked out the refrigerators (definitely like the side by sides) and Natalie pulled out all of the ice makers to see how "party friendly" they were. We looked at the gourmet kitchens they had set up too. We have plans of going to Ikea soon.

I am pretty sure I will go nuts at Ikea. I've never been there, but I view the website frequently. Natalie says the whole store is set up like display rooms. I'm so excited. I better have a lot of trunk space when I visit.

Being Ruthless

I'm trying to be ruthless. It's not really working.

This morning is the first morning in a week that I didn't have to leave the house by ten. Originally I was going to go to the Farmer's Market this morning/early afternoon, but then my mom had too much work to do in the office so she couldn't come with me as planned. I am definitely going next Wednesday. Any takers?

Since I didn't go anywhere this morning I decided to stay home and be ruthless to my room and all of the endless crap that it contains. I'm struggling. I ended up keeping my Spottie Dottie wallet that is made of pink vinyl with velcro. I also kept the crappy jewelry from my childhood because, well, it reminds me of my childhood. But I did manage to fill a bag for Goodwill, and I also condensed boxes. The thing about cleaning is that it is so much easier to do in a house that's not yours. If you're like "wow, this is ugly/old/falling apart/useless" then it is a lot easier to get rid of because you have no memories attached to it. Instead, your mom/friend/aunt is like "hey, I love that!" or "hey, it could be so useful!" I mean, you try to talk them out of the smelly forest green woolen blanket they've had since 1981 and they just won't part with it.

Life in that bedroom is an ensuing battle, because every morning I wake up and look at everything. Granted, everything I've ever owned and kept is in that room, and I haven't unpacked (why would I) but still.

Enough about stuff. Today I got a kick out of driving down State street and seeing a flashing police car that had pulled over another car. I slowed down and as I passed, I looked at the officers, because my uncle is a cop and I am always checking to see if it's him. Well wouldn't you know it! It was him. I've never seen him working before, but there he was, questioning the driver of the vehicle. I thought about waving but then didn't. But then I'll be a kid tonight and call my aunt and say "I say uncle Chris pulling over a car at 3 o'clock today when I was driving."

And in case you were dying to know, I just finished filling out an on-line survey for Panda Express and now I have a coupon for a free entree item. Yes! I love egg rolls (only, technically they're a side).

Oh, and I think I'm going to dye my hair a lighter brown on Thursday.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I'm back for three minutes

I have to be quick. I'm at Natalie's. Okay, her mom's house. In Emily's bedroom.

Florence was fun yet tiring. On Saturday we went to the beach and walked my sister's three rottweilers, then we went back to the house and pumped up the raft to go on the lake. The raft started deflating so we bailed and swam around in the lake for a while. We were out of the lake for maybe ten minutes and then my uncle asked if we wanted to go out on the dunes, so we did. On the way back from that I was like "yes, I will get a cup of cocoa and relax," but then my cousin Scott said "do you guys want to go in the boat?" So we took his boat out on the lake, came back, ate dinner, slept for an hour, then headed into town for fireworks. No tan to show for all my hard work.

The parents' place is going okay. I forgot how much I liked fields and the smell of hay and berries. On my parents' road alone there are at least four different farms/nurseries. And guess what? There are little calves on our property! My dad's friend Ed is using our bottom pasture for his cows, and they have little babies that are way adorable. I need to sneak down there and take some photos. They are super tiny still. Like I could carry one. Maybe.

Natalie is so cute. She's like "are you blogging" and I'm like "yes, but super fast." And then she tells me she will vacuum or something. I always want to spell vacuum with two cs. I know it has two us for sure, but vaccuum looks a bit silly. It's a silly word.

Yesterday I signed a zillion stacks of papers at the bank. I am really hoping to get my house by July 27th like we originally planned. Okay. Peace out until next time.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Weekly Update

I have to type super fast because I am not sitting in the comfort of my own home, mainly because I do currently not have my own home. This is what's up:

I'm at my sister's house right now printing stuff off of her computer. It was ten pages. It's taking ten hours. Seriously. It's the slowest printer imaginable. But I have to print all these bank statements so I can fax them to my mortgage guy. It's in a PDF file and it seems like it would be a lot easier to e-mail it, but I don't like that idea because what if someone intercepts it (like the KGB or CIA or SD-6, or worse yet, Sal-Keiz?) and then they would have all the numbers to all of my accounts and go rob me or something.

I have to give the bank my landlord info, such as their address and phone number. Too bad I don't know what their phone number is because I was real smart and threw all that stuff away. I think I have their address written down somewhere.....

Does Minet charge you $725 if you don't return a receiver box? Because they didn't say anything about it when I called to cancel my services, but I was on their website today trying to see if they had statements (they don't) and I clicked on "what should you do if you are moving" and it said something about how they will charge you $725. Nobody told me any of this over the phone, and now I am all moved out. So tomorrow, when it is business hours, I need to call Minet, and then possibly call my old landlord (if I can find the number) and ask if I can come back and get the receiver box. UGHHH.

I'm tutoring two kids this summer and so far so good. It's just twice a week, but it gives me an excuse to go to the library.

I'm going to Florence this weekend for Fourth of July. Hopefully the lake will be warm. I'm taking Britt with me. That reminds me, I better call her and tell her what time we're leaving.

I had my home inspection today. Mr. Zink (his real name) put on his jumpsuit and helmet and crawled down under the house to check things out. Meanwhile, I scoped out the house thoroughly thinking about where I would put furniture and what cupboards I would use to store what.

Ate a child sized bowl of Cake Batter ice cream from Cold Stone today. It was like, 97 degrees!

Went to Borders to kill time and ended up buying a new book, even though I fully intended on just browsing. It's about some child secret society/organization. Sounds like something I should have written two years ago if I had been on top of things.

Went to Best Buy and browsed lap tops, because I think it would be super convenient to have one. Though I am very partial to my wide screen monitor.

Blah! I'd love to write more but I need to go home, fax some stuff, pack up my car to take crap to Goodwill, pack for tomorrow (but lets me honest, I prob won't pack until the morning since we're not leaving till five), call Britt, and make adjustments on my swimsuit. Plus, I'm starving. 6:13 pm, in case you were wondering.

Talk to you some other time.

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