Sunday, May 31, 2009

Things to do while you are homeless

Pat me on the back because for dinner I fully ate a salad with vegetables in it and everything. And I have intentions of eating fresh veggies everyday this week because I spent about twenty minutes washing stuff and chopping it up and putting it into little baggies. As soon as school is out (June 12th could never be so far away), I plan on going on what I have named the Great Summer Veg Out. Besides relaxing, I am going to quit eating microwavable pasta that comes in a box. I will go to the farmer's market and buy berries and veggies and all the good stuff that you know you should eat but don't.

In other news, I am still waiting for the bank to call to see if they will accept the short sale offer. I will be homeless in 30 days, so it would be cool if I knew the whole house buying thing is going to work out. The thought of holing up with the 'rents for half a month does not sound favorable, even though they have AC. What will happen (and it will, without a doubt), is that I'll end up spending the days that I am there out on the tree farm. These are the sort of trees that offer zero shade, because they are so small. So it will be hours in the hot sun weeding, pruning, irrigating, and tying trees. My parents will say "We'll let you stay here, but you need to help with the trees." Unless I make up some fake job I have to go to. In which case I will have to find some place to go during the day. Unless a miracle happens and I close on a house by the end of the month. Let's pray, shall we?

Ten days of teaching left. Really, nine, because like I'm going to teach on the last day? I think not. Half the day is field day, and we'll spend the morning cleaning and doing read-alouds and painting pictures of summer with watercolor. I can do this.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

What madders the most

Some peeple think that spelling and punctuashun doesnt much madder. They think that it ain't yer book smart's that count in this world. I think it's real inneresting to go to the mall and listen to people talk. They gather around the hoochie mama purse's and say thing's like "I lost 20 pound's since febuary." "How you done that?" somewon says. "I eat a lot of yogurt." Then they talk about how "one time I seen my neighbor do this, and she done that." No, spelling and grammar don't much madder. I got a brane. I know how to think. And I do my laundry in the warsh room.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

God save me (the queen)

I was on the phone with my mom today. She was coming into Salem at 7pm for a bridal shower. I asked her who was getting married, because it seems like all the people we know who are tying the knot are my ageish. She said it was her friend Laura. I waited to hear if this was Laura's second marriage. Nope. She's at least 47 and she's just now getting married for the first time.

"God help me," was the first thing I said back to my mother. Because that will be me. In 24 years. I can't stay skinny that long.

"I won't tell her you said that," which is what my mom said back. "Laura is really happy," she told me. "Well, she should be," I replied. I mean, I would be ecstatic if I were 47 and was finally getting married. I don't know Laura, but I kind of want to interview her and see what her life has been like for the past 25 years. Has she just been rockin' her own thing? Or cuddling up with a bowl of popcorn and M&Ms every Friday night and watching Lifetime movies on cable? Just wondering.

Other things I need to tell you:

1) My god I've been an idiot. My mortgage broker needs all these documents from me, so last night I was trying to print/photocopy them all when my printer died. I was out of ink. The warning thing has been coming up for the past two months. "Danger! Danger! Low ink! Order now or else catastrophic events will ruin your life!" Only I didn't because it costs me like $35 bucks. I went to Walgreens today. Cost me ten bucks for a refill. Why didn't I go there earlier? Moron, I know.

2) I am brilliant. My mortgage broker called me today to let me know the results of the credit report he ran on me. I'm in the top bracket, thank you very much. The average American's credit score is 678. The highest possible is 850. I don't have 850, but I am in the top bracket right with it. Suckers. Guess I should thank Suze Orman and my parents. Let me explain.

Jamie (my mortgage broker) called and told me I had 3 lines of credit. He listed my credit card that I used (opened in 2007), a Bank of America credit card which has an obscenely large credit limit that I'm not even going to talk about with a $0 balance (opened in 2000), and a Chase credit card opened in 1995. Jamie was confused because in 1995 I was ten years old. Ten year old kids don't have credit cards (unless they live in Hollywood, which I don't). I explained to him that in 2005 I asked my mom to put me on her credit cards as an authorized user. That doesn't mean I ever used her credit cards. I didn't. What it meant though, was that my mother's FICO scores became my FICO scores. She has really good credit, so that's why I did it. I watched a Suze Orman episode and got the idea. I thought that my credit score would just say I had been using a credit card since 2005, which is when my mom added me. I didn't know that it meant I would inherit 13 years of credit history. So thanks, Suze, and thanks Mom for paying your credit card bill in full every month. Now that I think about it, I think I did my sister a favor as well because I think I told my mom to add the both of us to her credit cards as authorized users. So Jess probably has really good credit too.

Back to Jamie, my broker. I've never met him, but so far I've talked to him on the phone like every two days. When he first asked me my birth date, I was hesitant. November 1985, I said. I could hear a pause over the phone. Then later when he asked me if I had any assets in the form of a car, I told him I had a 1998 Toyota Corolla. After a few moments he said "That's a daughter car" (which is better than a grandma car, like my sister says it is)."That's what my daughter has," Jamie finished. I told him "Well, my dad helped me pick it out." Somewhere into our conversation Jamie mentioned that his daughter is just one year younger than me, and she graduated from college last week. "Congrats," I said. "Do you have any attractive sons my age?"

Monday, May 25, 2009

That's what grown-ups do

Oh my goodness I am majorly freaking out. I've been on the fritz since 2pm today, which was the time I sat down in the realtor's office with an inch thick stack of papers to fill out so I could make an offer on a house. Oh my gatos. This is for real. It's not just a fleeting thought. I signed stuff. I hope this was not a stupid decision. Let me briefly fill you in on the digs:

*3 bed/2 baths
*1360 square feet
*sweet kitchen with actual wood cabinets and an island. Has dishwasher and garbage disposal, which is important
*spacious living room with white fireplace (gas, so all I have to do is flip a switch for a fire)
*crown molding (yes, I've become the old person that gets excited about things like crown molding)
*sprinkler system
*alarm system
*water feature
*covered patio (front and back of house)
*separate heated shop where you can park another car

Okay, it is 10 o'clock and I haven't planned anything for teaching tomorrow. Shoot. More later, most likely. I have to call the bank guy tomorrow to make sure he's taking care of everything that he needs to. Like I know what that entails.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Being Followed

I've watched enough Alias episodes to know that I should have been more suspicious of the guy who came into my classroom to do something to my computer, because yes, he's probably a district employee, but most likely he was planting a spy cam, or a computer file tracker, or something malicious.

I was on the phone with my mortgage guy, with the classroom door shut so I'd have some privacy. I never shut my classroom door. I was talking away when I hear the door open. I figured whoever had enough balls to open the door when it was so clearly shut had something important to tell me. I looked up and saw said mysterious man. He was holding some computer hub thing, and I was having an important call, so I just waved him in. I got away from my desk and walked to the other end of my room. The guy was there for all of three minutes and then left. After he left, I realized maybe he wasn't a computer maintenance guy at all, maybe he was a spy. Maybe he was pulling a Sydney Bristow and had just put a business card sized device on the back of my computer so the district could track my every move.

They are watching. Everything.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Go goole yourself

I occasionally Google myself just to see what sort of things stalkers/employers can find. I Google my first name and last name and find info about stuff I did in college. All of it's positive, so that's good. Then I Google blog my first and last name and find other stuff. But I kind of doubt my employer goes home and Google blogs my name--unless of course they are utterly fascinated with me (which they should be, but I'm glad they're not). However, my employer did track me down via Craigslist, and that kind of freaked me out.

I shouldn't be so mad about people talking me, because I do my fair share of stalking internet researching people too. For example, there is this kind of cute guy I know. Okay, well, I don't really know him that well, but I found out his first and last name, and that's all you need to get started stalking researching someone. I started just knowing his first name, but I am a trained detective, and so I was able to find out his last name by using other clues. Asking would have been easier, but not as clever. Anyway, I can't believe I am admitting all of this to you, but whatever, who cares. It's not like it's about you. So I found out his name, which then gives me the ability to find out his age. I went to this stalker background checking website and entered his name. Problem was, it gave me two results, one for a 22 year old, and one for a 32 year old. At that point, everything I thought I knew changed. I thought he was about 25 or 26. So I guess he could easily be 32 and just look young for his age. Or he could be 22 but I kind of doubted it based on the other information that was attached. Only today I was talking to him and he told me last week was his birthday. Someone else who was involved in the conversation asked him what age he was celebrating. I could have sworn he said 23. But maybe I misheard and it was 33. Maybe I should just quit stalking people and make real friends.

P.S. After I got my job, I on-line checked the ages of a large handful of people at my place of work. Because I wanted to know. Now I know when they are lying. They are not really 32. And they don't weigh 125 either.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Grown-up Stuff

I met with a parent today for 45 minutes. The assistant principal sat in. Words were exchanged. One can only pray to God that my suggestion will yield positive results. I'll let you know tomorrow afternoon. Said parent is coming in for two and a half hours to sit right next to her son, because said son cannot work independently, even if his life depended on it. And I'm sick of him distracting my class. She was worried that her presence in the classroom would 1) embarrass her son, and 2) cause a blow-up. I told her I was willing to take my chances.

Called my realtor today at 4:30. By the time I got home after going to the gym, he e-mailed me 18 listings. I like people who are on top of their business. Unfortunately, since graduating college I have become a slow e-mail responder. I used to be on top of things too, but then the district started sending me upwards of 45 pieces of mail a day, and I can't handle it all. I'm doing drive-bys of the houses tomorrow and then letting him know which ones I want to see the inside of. This is a big deal. It kind of freaks me out. This is what I would consider a rash decision, even though I have been thinking about it for months. I just always thought I'd wait until next year.

P.S. I have a sunburn. My kids are fascinated by this, because they just turn brown for the most part.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

On the Home Front

I went to the bank today to see what my chances were of getting pre-approved for a home loan. I should have known better. A smart person would have called ahead of time to make an appointment, because I guess the home loan guys don't work on Saturdays. Plus side, I can finally take my personal day and schedule some time off from work for an appt at the bank. Whether or not I should do this is another story (buy a house, not make a bank appt).

If you know me, you know I am a list maker. So I made a list of the pros and cons of buying a house.

*I get to paint the rooms any color I want
*Interest rates are really low right now
*I wouldn't be throwing money away on over-priced rent
*I would have more room than an apartment
*CD rates totally suck right now, so it is basically futile to have one. I should make my money work by investing it into property
* I could finally get a house rabbit!
*slight chance that I could have a bedroom and an office

*My mobility would be reduced because I would have to stay in the same area for a while. No more "I'm going to move to Africa to teach the village children." Not that I was really thinking that, but it's nice to have the option.
*I would have to buy a lawn mower and mow the lawn. Unless the house I buy is like the townhouse I rent now, meaning there is no lawn and nothing but bark chips.
*It's possible that the house may not come with one or any of the following: dishwasher, oven, washer, dryer, fridge. In that case, I'd have to buy them.
*My budget would become a lot tighter
*If something breaks, I have to fix it. Or pay someone who can.

What am I missing?

UPDATE: Okay, so after like ten minutes of posting this the bank called. It was the loan guy who was supposed to call me for our appointment. We chatted and I told him all my info, and I'm pre-pre-approved. He said everything looked good, he'd just have to check my credit and W-2 info before issuing me a formal letter. He's calling back on Monday.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

E-mailing this post

I am trying something out where I write my post in an e-mail and just mail it to Blogger. That way I can blog from work without a paper trail of the sites I visited. However, I am pretty sure the district stalks people and they have one of those keyboard stroke recorders, so they know exactly what you type, even if you backspace and erase it. It's like I'm Sydney Bristow being watched by Arvin Sloane. The bastard.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Advice Needed

Which classes do you think would be most conducive to finding a husband:
business administration
computer science
civil engineering technology
I am seriously thinking of following my sister's advice of going to summer classes. Go twice, and if there aren't any potentials, drop the class. I think this would be a very interesting experiment to try and then to write about the process.

On a completely unrelated note, do you think I should buy a house? No need for a husband first. "Build it and they will come," Isn't that the phrase? Haha. Kidding. But not about the house. Am I crazy?

I was driving home today and saw a reader-board for a church. It said "Take the challenge." A message from God, perhaps? What I really need right now is a fortune cookie to give me some advice. But I didn't have Chinese food for dinner. Maybe I'll go to here to read an on-line fortune cookie.

Oops, bad idea. It said "Keep to yourself--friendliness may make enemies." Like maybe I shouldn't buy a house and then have roommates because they will all hate me in the end.

I tried a different on-line fortune cookie site and this one said "The smart thing to do is to start trusting your intuition." Problem is, my intuition is not exactly clear. Ideas, anyone?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

If I had a butler

I would make him:
*make my bed every morning
*prepare my breakfast and pack my lunch
* warm up my car
*grade papers and do lesson plans
*clean out my car every other day because I am a slob in it
*do my laundry
*take care of all my S-K e-mails because I get about 45 of them a day. That's 225 a week, which is too many.
*iron my pants
*do all my paper work (insurance, bills, TSPC, everything I've been putting off)
*clean my house

Now that I think about it, I remember some show (MTV, TLC ?) about this butler placement guy. He was in charge of butlers and nannies and helped them find jobs, and you would watch the employees go on their interviews and see what they did during the day. I totally Google searched it but couldn't find anything. Really, I'd just need a butler for about two hours a day. 6:30-7:30 for the morning and 7-8 in the evening. Tell me your rate if you are reasonable. Suit and tie not required.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Adventures of Super Virgin

Here is the first episode of The Adventures of Super Virgin. Follow Mary-Virginia as she faces her evil nemesis and saves a young soul from destruction. Rated PG 13 for language, sex, and photos of a graphic nature.

This video also available on YouTube.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Life's a bitch...then you kick ass

I'm not taking this any longer. It's abuse. I know school gets out next month, but I literally cannot take this any longer. I'm not doing it. These kids really need to get their shit together, or fifth grade is going to spit them back up like a baby hurling undigested milk. I'm scheduling three parent meetings next week. Take that, bitches.

P.S. I'm sorry to sound like such a crank, but I'll post some happier stuff later. For example, the first animated cartoon episode of The Adventures of Super Virgin has been created. I have some editing to do first before I post it. If you were my roommate you got a sneak peek.
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