I did my imatch.com skills inquiry at home like the letter suggested, and a few days later headed down town.
It was a sunny day, and I decided to dress professionally so that people would not think I was a bum and couch potato who stayed at home all day watching episodes of Jersey Shore instead of looking for a job. Basically, this means I combed my hair and wore heels.
I had never been to the employment office before, and so Mapquested directions ahead of time. When I got to the right street, there was road construction, forcing me to park in a less than desirable location (meaning, I had to feed a meter). After I shoved my cookie quarters into the monster's mouth, I crossed the street via jaywalking. I like to live life on the edge. Instantly I noticed out of the corner of my eye a strange fellow smoking a cigarette and walking behind me. I kept up my stride, walking with purpose.
A millisecond later a tiny bug flew into my right eye. I blinked but it seemed to be stuck in there, like a contact with wings. I poked at my eye, which was difficult to do, because it was the same eye I was using to keep tabs on Mr. Suspicious. Because of this distraction, I missed the actual entrance to the employment office. I wasn't going to stop on the side walk and turn around, just to walk into all those nasty fumes with only one good eye, so what I did was keep walking. Meanwhile I had tears streaming down my face.
I turned a corner and commenced walking around the entire perimeter of the building. It's always a good idea to case a place before entering. That way you know where all the exits are, you know who is lurking around outside, and you notice which vehicles parked around have out of state plates. Because I am not girly enough to carry around a compact mirror, I sidled up next to a vacant pick up truck and used its side mirror to check my eye. I was pretty sure I was going to find a Pixar character from A Bug's Life in there.
After this adjustment, I completed my full 360 around the building and came once again to the main door. I waited in line for my turn, then told the receptionist my name and typed in my social security number.
Her eyes scanned the screen in front of her, reviewing my information. "It looks like you have everything in order," she began "EXCEPT...you still need to take the reading and math placement tests."
Surely you jest.
Was I trying to transfer high schools? Hadn't already been accepted to and completed college? I laughed nervously. "Oh, I didn't know I had to take a test today." Because I mean, I probably would have reviewed some geometry and algebra concepts if I had. I would have smuggled a calculator down my shirt sleeve. I would have practiced my analogies had I known I needed to perform. You know, headlights are to deer as testing is to Joelle.
I think "What if I just guess on this one? What if I just sit here for two hours and never finish?" For some reason, I usually have a two minute time frame where I think that there is no possible way I can go on. And then it passes and I usually get an A.
The receptionist gave me the laminated directions for logging in to the computer to take the tests. I noticed on the back side that it had all the conversion measurements and formulas for the math portion, which was good, because in my moment of panic I fully forgot that the area of a circle is pi R squared. And I really needed to figure out how big that rug was for question seven.
I took the reading test first and had to almost laugh. It was very office work centered. I had to read an e-mail memo and answer questions about what time was an event happening, or what division does Sally X work for, or what time did I need to ship a package if it needed to arrive by noon the next day.
Then I took the math test. It was almost fun. You had to score at least 80% on each test in order to level up, and I was excited each time the screen told me I had gotten 0 wrong on the previous test. Like a ten-year-old boy with his hands adhered to the video game controls, I wanted to reach the top level. While working out the problems and feeling clever, I started to miss high school. It was great having that satisfaction that I knew the answer. Nowadays, I'm being tested on different sorts of material, and I almost never know the answer. It's not as easy as pi R squared.
While testing, I did a lot of eavesdropping on the other people in the employment center. Some where taking tests, others were searching the computers for jobs, a few were meeting one-on-one with career counselors. It pained me to hear the old man talking on the phone. He was contacting unemployment, trying to file a claim, and kept telling the person on the other end that he's "not what you call tech savvy."
Another man was talking with a counselor about how he has three kids, and doesn't know if he should try to go back to school so he can learn more computer skills, or if he should continue looking for a job.
It sounded like a lot of the people around me felt stuck because of their low-level computer skills. When job postings are on-line and you have no idea how to work a browser, I can sympathize. It's a lot like me trying to use a jigsaw or install blinds in my windows.
After completing my test, I quit being such a snoop and read a few chapters from Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me while I waited for my name to be called. I met with a career professional for about four minutes, showed official ID, then was out the door. My duty was done, the formality was complete, and I walked away realizing how blessed I am not to have any extra mouths to feed and to hold a college degree. Minus the fact that it resulted in three years of subsequent job stress and a resignation. But whatever. I'm past that.
And in case you were wondering, three days later my case for unemployment insurance was denied. I will not be receiving any sort of check weekly. Which is fine, I didn't expect to. I planned for this. However, if you have a job lead or want to buy a novel manuscript, let me know.
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