I effing* hate your dog

I don't hate my life like I did six months ago, but there is still something that plagues my every day existence. I am reminded of it at least three times per hour. It makes me want to utter a string of curse words, which is a lot like wearing a string of pearls, if pearls were made of F bombs and if string were made of threats instead of thread. This constant annoyance makes me want to acquire an air soft gun, put on a camouflage mask, and shoot a live creature in the face. I am trying to create a calm and peaceful life, and that life does not include my neighbors two dogs who bark up to 209 minutes per day. I know because I've been documenting it.

These dogs dwell in the yard behind my house, and I can't even sleep with the window open on a hot summer night because then the yapping intensity would just increase. I am not particularly fond of yelling, but I ended up screaming a very polite and authoritative "Stop it!" and "Be Quiet!", which are a lot nicer than the words I actually wanted to use. Due to the wooden fence that separates us (thank the Lord), the dogs can't see me and I can't see them (unless I get on the roof or climb a ladder to peer over, both of which I've done). My demands were futile, because it just made the dogs bark more fiercely.

I don't have the guts to go knock on this particular neighbor's door, because they are rather sketchy and I don't want them to be able to positively ID me. I understand that any normal, respectable neighbor would first go to the dog owner and talk face to face with them about the problem, rather than requesting that a certain person collect walnuts from her walnut tree so that aforementioned neighbor can pelt the dogs with them, and the squirrels who live in the tree nearby can hide the evidence.

My best friend, Natalie, said she would go over with me to complain. This was very generous of her, but I turned her down, because I like to do things for myself. I, however, am a complete coward when it comes to confrontation. I hate confronting people, especially if they have the ability to make living in my house a living hell.

Natalie suggested I write a passive-aggressive note and stick it in the neighbor's mailbox. This fits my cowardly personality perfectly.

Here is the first draft I wrote:

Dear Neighbor,
Your dog's incessant barking makes me want to destroy life. I want to pull my hair out, which would take a long time because I have very thick hair. But don't even worry about it; I can devote all my time to hair-pulling because God knows I can't focus on any other task while your brutes make my ears bleed. I can't sleep at night, I can't go peacefully about my day, and I can't open the back door without feeling like the Gestapo's German Shepherds are after me. Not that your dog is a German Shepherd. That breed is much too smart and well behaved to act as your dogs do.

My first suggestion is surgery to remove the vocal chords from your precious pooch. Though I have a feeling you don't care about your dog at all, because if you let him bark his head off all day everyday, you probably hate him and want nothing to do with him. So if you don't like the idea of dropping some dollars on surgery, maybe you should get rid of your dog. Or keep it in your house. Or buy a shock collar and give me the remote so I can buzz the crap out of that stupid canine every fifteen minutes when he starts to bark again.

This is ridiculous. I let this go on for far too long.I understand that I have enabled you. I am allowing you to be a crappy neighbor, because I don't have the guts to tell your face that I effing* hate your dog. So I am telling you know. Get rid of the damn thing. DO SOMETHING! I'm giving you three days. After that, I'm calling dog control. You may be pissed at me, but you have no right to be. I have every right to be enraged at you and your idiotic pet. Calling dog control is a lot nicer than throwing a poison-stuffed Kong over the fence, which is what someone else suggested.

I am glad that you understand where I am coming from. I thank you in advance for your quick resolution of this matter.

Love,
Your neighbor

*effing, or it's original form #%@!, is not a nice word and should not be used in every day speech or writing. If you are my Grandma, parents, or cousins and you are reading this, please know that I do not speak the F word out loud. However, you either know or will learn that sometimes the F word is the only word you can use to express how incredibly enraged you are. If you rarely use this atrocious word, then when you do use it, people will know that you are very serious and very passionate about your subject. Don't over do it.