10 Ways to Quit Being a Creeper

Back in the late 1800s, serial killers are what used to frighten people, due to that whole Jack-the-Ripper thing. In this day and age, people are frightened of "creepers" and "stalkers." On-line creepers and stalkers is a frequently used term to describe someone who knows too much about somebody else. Off-line creepers and stalkers exist as well, and they are the more frightening types, as they usually are in close proximity to your actual being and there is not 100 miles of distance and a computer screen between the two of you. But never mind that, you don't want to be referred to as an on-line creeper.

In order to lose the nickname "On-line Creeper", or more specifically "Facebook Stalker," these are the things you should stop doing:

1) Collecting hair samples. You can't really do this on-line, but if this is something you do, YOU NEED TO STOP, so that is why it is number one on the list.

2) Having alerts on your phone that notify you each time a person has activity on their Facebook page.

3) Learning through the Stalkee's events that they are going to be at a certain place at a certain time, and so you also appear there, even though you weren't invited. Coffee shops and restaurants provide what you think may be a "coincidental" moment, but when you start going for an evening jog by your stalkee's grandma's house on Thanksgiving, that screams I AM GOING TO KIDNAP YOU AFTER YOU EAT PIE.

4) Hacking other people's e-mail accounts so you can learn more about them and the people they converse with.

5) Setting a stalkee's profile picture as your desktop background.

6) Memorizing all of the information provided on the "Info" section of their FB account. Saying that you have a photographic memory does not lessen the creep factor.

7) Normally I would say that documenting people's fingerprints is creepy, unless of course they willingly and knowingly stick their thumb in the ink. I happen to have a fingerprint stamp on my fridge of a "suspect", not because I am a stalker, but because I am a detective and need to gather evidence in order to protect my friends.

8) Creating a fake Facebook profile to friend request some one, because you don't want them to know it is really you. This is by far the creepiest thing you can do.

Hopefully if you are often subject to being stalked, you are not a moron and can tell that when some hot foreign guy from Ireland sends you a request saying "Your profile picture is very creative" you know that he actually is probably the 40 year old man from the gym that grins way too much. Don't get sucked in by accents. You can't hear them on Facebook anyway.

9) Somehow finding out the stalkee's phone number, and then texting them things like "hey, I don't have your address, can you tell me what it is so I can mail you something?" Of course when they say "Who is this?" You reply with some name of a person they know, claiming you have a new number. If you are successful in this creep activity and actually acquire their home address, DO NOT DRIVE BY. This is why people call you a stalker, and you need to stop these shenanigans.

10) Actually mailing something to the person's house if you happen to discover their address through whatever measures. If you mail cash or gift cards, then that is okay and you should probably start stalking me. Text me an address request and I'll pretend to play dumb. If, instead, you mail any sort of inappropriate anything (especially anthrax or underwear), then you may end up in handcuffs. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you are not sure if something is inappropriate or not, you can message me and ask. I will be brutally truthful with you, and probably will end up posting your e-mail on this blog. 

Additional information: Reading/checking someone's blog every day is not considered "blog stalking." It means you like reading the person's blog. The author probably likes that sort of thing. If they didn't want readers, they wouldn't post. Or they'd write everything in code. If they didn't want YOU as a reader, they'd set their blog to private and not invite you to access it.