My threads used to be more orderly, like an actual design. They were perhaps like the snowflake sweater your grandma knitted for you the Christmas you were ten. But what I found was this: one thread came loose, I pulled it, and the whole sweater unraveled. Everything fell apart. So what I did was gather my soul strings up and wad them tightly into my fists. I wound them and knotted them so that if anyone pulled on them, nothing would come loose. Now my soul strings are safe--a big messy ball that no one can untangle.
This post make me sad...maybe due to the fact that I am a hugely complicated mess. I'm not sure that this will ever change. I think it's partly because of past experience and partly because others don't get me. Then again, I don't always get me.
ReplyDeleteI have become cynical and untrusting because of the pain that I have encountered in my life. Forget willing. - I don't know if I am even able to have hope, trust, or expectations of another person again. I just don't know if it is worth the possibility of another broken heart.
Anyway, I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do know how it feels to go to extreme lenghts to protect your heart. I also know that other people may view your actions and thoughts as silly,selfish,crazy, etc. But seeing that nobody else has faced your battles, their opinions don't make much difference.
I love these lyrics by Ingrid Michaelson. They make me feel like maybe I'm not the only one who is so easily broken.
"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts. So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess. And to stop the muscle that makes us confess. We are so fragile. Like cracking bones make noise. And we are just breakable, breakable girls and boys."
Stay strong, blogfriend. You're not alone.
Courtney
P.S. I'm happy you're back.
You two are both so young. It's ok to be cynical and suspicious, but don't cut yourself off from the possibility of finding your happiness. No, it may come, but it might be just around the corner.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're back too.