This is a really bad first impression

I realize that this could be the very first time you've ever read this blog. Welcome! Thanks for reading. Too bad you chose to read this during the week I've lost all my marbles. Seriously, they've all rolled away into a drain grate or something where I can't reach them.

I've decided that I need to take a week long writing break at the minimum, because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll reveal to you all my deepest, darkest secrets, and like your brain or heart needs that right now. Plus, how mortified would I be in two weeks? What I need to do is lock up all my old journals in a trunk and throw the key into the pile of leaves sitting outside, so I'm not tempted to share every revealing thought I've ever had. Because some of them are pretty pathetic.

I know my week long absence could be really heartbreaking to you and everything, on account of how you'll gain ten minutes of your life back everyday by not having to read the sap I put on here.  

I decided I needed to take a leave of absence after writing two paragraphs. One's called "Everything I Hate About Who I've Become," and the other is called "Everything I No Longer Believe." I decided to keep them hidden in my journal because, as you might imagine, neither one is filled with uplifting, beautiful, or funny things for you. And I don't want you to have to read things that bring you down. Because I care about you, I really do. Even though no one cares about me <-- whoops, see, that's why I need to take a blog break. I start writing things that are probably not true. They're all fictionalized in my head.

So instead of sharing paragraphs that make me cry, I will instead tell you this: in place of my heart, something as tiny and black and shriveled as a raisin now rests. 

The thing about having a raisin-heart is that it's full of anger and bitterness and not-funny stories, and it loves to think mean things about the person it dwells in. Raisin-hearted people often wear stonewall expressions, and it looks like they feel absolutely nothing, except maybe sadness or hate, but in truth the raisin heart feels everything, except when it is numb, which is often.

I'd pray for a miracle to happen inside of my heart, but that's on the list of Things I No Longer Believe. So maybe you could pray for a miracle instead. If you're into that sort of thing.

Hopefully I'll see you in a week or so, if I find a way to get rescued in the meantime.

Joelle