Marital Conversations with My Sister

We’re sitting around my table, eating lunch today, when I start to complain about my property taxes to my sister.

Me: Look, I have to pay $501.51 to the school district. Basically, I am paying myself to do my job. And mass transit? I have to pay $84.41 so people who don’t have cars can ride the bus.

Jess: Wait, the people who ride buses don’t have to pay?

Me: No, they do, but not that much. Our taxes supplement it. What about this one? $5.55 for the County Soil and Water Department. Here. This is the only one worth paying for. $9.07 to the regional library. Heck, they’re only getting like four bucks more than the dirt department. That’s unfair. 

Then we start to talk about bills.

Me: I’ve got a zillion bills to pay every month. (I tick them off on my fingers) Water, sewer, garbage, internet, PGE, and gas. And I'll start being broke in July. You know, when I quit my job.

Jess: Our cable and internet got shut off yesterday because Travis forgot to pay the bill. 

(My sister is forever forgetting to check her mailbox. She lets it stock up and opens it like twice a month. I could send her an announcement to let her know I was pregnant, and she wouldn’t find out until the baby was born.)

Me: Like, you didn’t check the mailbox, or he flat out forgot to pay it? (in my head I think, why don't they just set up automatic payments on-line? Then they wouldn't forget).

Jess: He forgot to pay it. I’m kind of like, whatever. It’s his bill. I don’t need TV. 

Me: What do you mean it’s his bill? You separate who pays what bills? What’s your bill?

Jess: Um, hello, it’s called the mortgage.

Me: So you pay the mortgage every month. How do you guys decide who pays the other bills?

Jess: Well, it’s like this. He has to pay the Comcast bill because he wanted it. But everything else, I hold up the envelope and say “do you have money for this one? Yes, okay, it’s yours. What about this one?”

Me: So he just gets to choose? What if he can’t pay all of them?

Jess: Then I do it. 

Me: This is all very interesting to me. Your relationship intrigues me.  

I mull everything over in my mind. It’s not at all what I thought being married would be like. I figured if you got married, you’d have a married peoples account, and pay your bills out of that. 

Me: So, you’re like his sugar mama. Or he’s a free loader.

Jess: Yeah, basically. But I pay most of the bills because he still has his student loans and truck payments to make. So it’s not like he’s not paying for anything. He just doesn’t have money left over for all the bills. In about two years he’ll be done with everything, and then we’re going to buy a different house, and he’s going to pay the mortgage for that one. And then I’ll just have to work part time to pay for the other stuff.

Me: So before you got married, did he know he wouldn’t be able to pay the mortgage? Was he like, oh hey, buy this house, I’ll marry you, and then I’ll live here?

Jess: Um, well no. It was my idea to buy the house. 

Me: I’m sure it was. 

No, like really. You’ve got to know my family. It was totally her wanting to own her own house.

Jess: Basically, our conversation was like this: I buy the house, and then he buys me the ring. 

Me: So it was like quid pro quo. 

Because he did propose to her in the front doorway of her own house.

Jess: No. See, Jo, husbands are like expensive pets. You have to take care of them and pay for things, but in return they give you love and affection. I mean, if I were single, I’d be paying for all this stuff anyway. Now I just have someone to live with and love and cuddle with at night. Plus, I don’t have to mow the lawn or clean the gutters. And he feeds my dogs. They’re my dogs, but he takes care of them.

And okay, I can see her point.

Me: I have to do everything myself. I mow my own lawn, clean my gutters, pull the weeds, open all the jars—that’s why I don’t buy Adam’s peanut butter. I can never get the jars open.

Jess: That’s why you need a husband.

Me: Well, I’m wondering about this. Because it would go one of two ways. Either the guy I marry also has his own house, or he doesn’t. If he had his own house, we’d just move to whoever’s house was the nicest. But if he didn’t have a house, we’d have to live here, and I think that might be weird. Because like, it’s my house. And it’s not that I wouldn’t want him here or something, I think I’d just feel like he were another roommate and I’d still feel like I needed to do everything. Like, I’d still be out cutting the grass and pulling weeds by myself, because I wouldn't want to ask.

Jess: Well, how about when you’re married you just buy a new house together?

Me: That would make sense, because then it would be our house, you know? But I wouldn’t want to deal with trying to sell a house at the same time I’m getting married. So we’d have to live here for at least a little bit. Then back to the chores thing. When I see that the lawn is getting tall, am I like “hey honey, will you go mow the lawn?”

Jess: NO, Jo, No. You get him to do the stuff before you marry him.

Which is probably the best and most logical advice my sister has ever given me.

Jess: I got Travis to do all sorts of things when we were just dating. He even cleaned horse stalls for me.

Me: Wow, how’d you get him to do that?

Jess: You have to be like “oh, I really want to hang out with you, but I’ve got to do homework and clean horse stalls first. If you can clean some stalls while I do homework, then we can spend time together after.”

Me: Okay. So I’ll be all “I really want to see you today, but I’ve got to get this lawn mowed.” And then maybe he’ll offer to do it.

Jess: No. That won’t work. He’ll be like, “cool, see you when you’re done.” You always have to have at least two things you need to get done in order for him to help. So you say “I want to hang out with you, but I’ve got to do lesson plans and mow the lawn. If you can mow the lawn, then I can get my lesson plans done and then we can do whatever.” And obviously, he can’t do your lesson plans. So he’ll mow the lawn.

Me: Brilliant.




[Disclaimer: I hope by reading this conversation, you don't think Travis is a jerk. I really love my brother-in-law, and he is super awesome. He helps me do things like haul bookshelves in his pickup to my classroom. So I really appreciate him, even if he likes to pretend like I'm the annoying little sis.]