The Last September

I think this may be the last September. I pray to God that it will be. I had hope that things would take a turn for the better, but instead we've turned a sharp corner and rammed straight into a pile of garbage cans. I'm not sure how much longer my voice will hold out. I was on the elliptical at the gym (first time in about 5 weeks), thinking that maybe this is the last September I will need to prepare for. That my last first day of school may have passed for good. That this could be it.

If you have a child who goes to school, then I hope you pray for their teacher. They need it more than anything. God bless teachers, they are abused. I did the math and I get paid $0.81 to teach each child per hour. If I had a child, I think I would be willing to spend much more than that. I mean, heavens, would you hire a tutor for your child who thought 81 freaking cents was fair? I would pay more and I would request that their class size was no larger than 15. Teachers can't save everyone, we just can't.

I did some more math and did a very low-ball estimate that last year I spent an extra 245 hours at school. Minimum. That is the equivalent to 30 work days. Would you want to work for 30 days for free? I mean, lord, try paying your rent with that kind of wage. 

I'm not trying to make myself out to be a martyr. I'm just telling you that I don't think I can last much longer. I keep thinking back to a book I read about time and finances, and how you need to tell yourself "I am not on sale." Because I swear, everyone seems to think teachers are on sale. That we should go for a bargain. And we do. You are getting a damned good deal.

But enough of that. Let me tell you about how recently I have been consuming a lot of Dove chocolate, because 1) the chocolate is divine, and 2) the wrappers have little messages that I sort of take as cryptic letters from God or whatever. I kept this one that said "What would you do if you could not fail?" Because what would I do? My word, I have a list. It's the list that excites me to think about, the list that makes me bubble with joy to think about.

And I think to myself, what would I give to get out? What would I do to rescue myself from this? I think about how much time I have wasted not doing what I love, and of how much time I have spent trying to do something that I thought I would love. And I think of how I have failed.

I am not usually one to give up. But there comes a point when you need to realize it's just not worth it. This September is it.