F^#@!ng Hell

I told Natalie the other day that I didn't have anything to blog about because I haven't gone anywhere. Well, who knew so much could go wrong in 34 short minutes. I was supposed to get my hair cut today at 4, so at 3:40 I went out to my car to leave. I stuck my key in the ignition and it just made some sort of sick puffing noise at me. I could not get it to start. I held the key for a long while, but it sounded awful so I stopped. I popped the hood and did an inspection. Like I could tell if anything was wrong. I called my mom, who was not really helpful, then I called Natalie. Then I went out to my car to try again. I held the key in the ignition and it made the same sort of sick, rattling noise. Then I watched as the hood began to shake. I thought my whole car might blow up with me inside. Eventually it started with a little cough. I slowly went for a drive around the block to test it out. It kept making a strange ticking sound at me. I had already missed my hair appointment, but figured maybe I could drive to Les Schwab and just have someone take a little peek at it. After a while (when the car started to warm up more) the ticking noise eventually died off. I pulled into a parking lot and turned my car off, then started it again to see if the ticking would come back. I drove to an alternate parking location. All seemed once again normal. It is a really good thing school was cancelled today, because otherwise I would have been very late to work.

Having no food, I got out of my car and trudged across the parking lot to go buy some groceries. I should have just gone home. Halfway to my destination I slip or something and fall into a nasty, gritty, black puddle. Not just any regular friendly puddle, but the crap that is left after it has snowed. And I didn't just slip like normal people. I dislocated a knee cap. I was on my stomach, wriggling around in the mud, trying to pull it back into line with the rest of my bones. I thought I got it, so I just sort of laid there for a while, but then wondered why the hell my hip/leg joint hurt so bad. Turns out I was still quite twisted. I felt for my knee cap and discovered it was still popped out four inches to the right. I grabbed it, shoved it back into place, and then crawled for the curb to try to sit out of the direct water. It's at times like this in your life that you look around and see how many people witnessed the excruciating fall. Some guy parked in his car had gotten a movie theater view. He got out of his car and asked me if I was okay.

Normally I would have been, but at this point my voice was all shaky and cry-like because it hurt effing bad, considering my bone had been sticking out of place for a good two minutes. "Well, sort of. I'll be okay. I just need to sit for about ten minutes." He asked if I was sure. I said I'd survive, so he got back in his car. I sat on the curb, coat and jeans smeared with black mud, as a woman and her daughter walked by. They gave me a weird look and I gave a pathetic smile back. Then a hispanic man and his baby came to ask me if I was okay. I tried to explain that my knee cap had dislocated, and then I would be able to walk in a little while.

In case you were wondering, this is what a dislocated knee-cap looks like. You can see the knobby part has slipped out to the side. This is a picture of some guy I got off of the internet, and I have to say that my dislocated knee cap has looked much more impressive. Had I had a camera at all the times of my falls, I would have snapped a photo of it, because there are only about five people I know who have actually seen my knee cap out of line. Most of the time I shove it back myself before anyone can get a glimpse. But it looks a lot like this, only worse.

Time passed in the cold, as snowflakes speckled my dirty coat, and I finally felt good enough to try to hobble back to my car. I got mud all over the seat, got home, stripped, put all the muddy clothes in the washer, and then was going to sit down to write of all my anger. But I thought I'd call my mom back to tell her I had gotten my car to start. It was then that I could not locate my phone. I looked all around my room, stopped the washer and checked all the soaking wet pockets, went out to my car to check, and then gave up. I do not know where the hell my phone is. You should try to call me, so if it is somewhere in my house, I can find it. Understand if I miss your call. I seriously don't know where it is. I had talked to Natalie three minutes before getting out of my car, so it couldn't have gone far. And that is the story of my effing 34 minutes from hell.