Christmas Insults

If you know anything about my life, then you may know that there is a notorious figure in my life named Aunt Marta. Aunt Marta hides under the guise of many people I know. She's old, she's middle-aged, she's overweight and filled with prodding questions, she's stick thin and points her bony finger at me. Whatever form she takes, her core personality stays the same: rude and pestering. And her question is always the same. Even during Christmas, there is just one thing on her mind. It doesn't help that my sister just got married."So, when's Joelle going to find a man?" she asks, referring to myself in the third person, as if I'm not sitting right there. To which I reply "The same time you lose twenty pounds." Which you know, could be a while. A look of astonishment comes across her face; she can't believe I've been so insulting. Because like her thyroid condition, there's little I can do to help it (getting a guy, I mean, not being insulting). We stare at each other for a while. It's not something I'm going to take back, or laugh jokingly about. What I will do is shift the topic from her impeding obesity to my increased morbidity. “It’s fine though,” I tell her. “I’ve already got my funeral all planned out. It’s going to be very Corpse Bride. I want to be buried in my cream white prom dress, with a bouquet of white roses and a long veil draped over my iridescent, deathly white skin.” She stares even more. Because I really did just share my funeral arrangements over dessert at a Christmas party. Only—not.

Sorry. None of that happened at all. I’m not that exciting. I didn’t even tell her she was fat. Fat people know, just like single people are keenly aware that they are single. Comments do not need to be made. After she said, “So, when’s Joelle getting a husband?” (because unfortunately, that part really did happen), I just sat there and gave a 1/8th of a smile in silence. Because WTF, I’m sorry, but what kind of response am I supposed to give? “Oh, according to my life plan that always goes perfectly, he’s scheduled to arrive on April 21, 2009”? Previous deadlines have passed. Back to the question that Aunt Marta asked. It was a stupid question that no one could answer. Fortunately for me, my mother was sitting right next to me and she rescued me by saying something and then changing the topic, because like I said, I just sat there in silence, staring at the floor.