The Best Blog Ever, Part 1

I can now totally understand why so many teenaged girls get knocked up. It is ridiculously difficult to find condoms for sale in the store. I mean, after twenty minutes of looking, they are probably like “screw it!” Or rather, go screw him. That horny slut doesn’t have enough patience to make a responsible decision and find protection. And okay, yeah, I realize you have to go to the right kind of store in order to buy a condom. Like, the Learning Palace would be a poor choice, as would be The Bath and Body Shop, even though people use bodies to have sex and they often do it in the bath.

When looking, I was certain Wal-Mart carried condoms. I mean, look at all the crusty-faced children getting dragged along by their parents. We know Wal-Mart shoppers have sex, because they sure have a lot of kids. One would assume condoms could be found by the toiletries and pharmaceutical type items. Come on, there is Vagasil for sale right there, where are the freaking condoms? Foot itch cream, and Pepto Bismol, and tampons for sale, but not a condom box in sight.

I must admit, conducting a thorough search was difficult considering I was looking over my back every fifteen seconds, checking to see if any students from the school I teach at were around. While I was looking for balloons for the “Can You Blow?” game, I totally ran into a 5th grade student who knew me. In fact, I had taught her last year at Bush. I said hey and was relieved I didn’t have anything kinky in my basket yet, such as bananas, whipped cream, and condoms. Buying supplies for my sister’s bachelorette party definitely lended itself to an interesting experience. Once I stocked up on party favors, prizes, and Jonas Brothers posters, I went to look for the condoms. Like I said, it was nearly impossible to find them.

After eons of searching, I finally spotted some lube on a top shelf, hidden in the corner right next to the counter where you pick up your prescription. An eye glance down revealed boxes of condoms. That’s right folks, the two foot space reserved for condoms was right next to the prescription counter. Loved it, absolutely loved it. I had to laugh. There was a line of people waiting to get their prescriptions, and I was all “oh sorry, can I squeeze in here?” I needed condoms for the ever-fabulous condom relay game I was going to facilitate at said bachelorette party. From a distance I eyed what to get. I didn’t need a whole box, and I didn’t want to pay $6.52 for condoms I wasn’t going to use. I spotted a tiny box that cost $1.97. I went up to the blue Trojan box and grabbed it. It contained three condoms, perfect for the night’s adventures. After locating the condom boxes, it only took about 30 seconds to pick one. I didn’t read any of the boxes. I didn’t get cherry, or ribbed for her pleasure, or extra large or anything. Just grabbed a box that said it had condoms in it. Once I walked to the check-out line, I eyed the box sitting on top of the cheap girly beads and balloons. They were lubricated condoms. Even better. Loved it even more.

The checker scanned all of my items. Balloons, Jonas Brothers and Zac Efron poster, chick-flick DVDs, plastic medals for the game winners, brightly colored beads, cheese, a can of beans, Styrofoam bowls, and a box of condoms. I wonder what she thought. I seriously wondered if she was thinking anything about the condoms. Like, was she thinking “Oh, this girl’s in love with Disney Channel boys, she eats Mexican cheese, and she’s going to get some tonight.” My favorite part of all time was when she sat the blue Trojan box at the very top of my bag, so that people walking by could see it. Not that they were paying attention. I left in a hurry (not because I was going to have wild, passionate, animalistic sex) but because I had to go to my sister’s house early to set up for the party.

At this point, I would like to remind you that I already saw one student I knew at Wal-Mart. There were more that popped up through out the night. But I’ll get to that in Part 2. I’d like to say that Part 2 will be posted tomorrow, but I have to go help decorate the reception building for the wedding tomorrow after work, so I probably won’t have time to write when I get home. In fact, Thursday’s not looking good either, because I have to pack everything for the wedding. Friday night I will be gone, Saturday’s the wedding, and Sunday is clean-up day. But I’ll try. Because I want you to know what else happened during the bachelorette extravaganza. In the meantime while you don’t have any more blogs to read, I recommend you check out some of Lenay Olsen’s videos on YouTube. She cracks me up. If you are looking for something to read, I recommend The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, anything by Jerry Spinelli (try Loser or Wringer…his are kids’ books, btw), or you should rent Vantage Point and tell me how it is, because I’ve been wanting to see it since it came out. From what I could gather from previews, the movie is fast paced and features Matthew Fox, a reason in itself to spend $3.69 at Hollywood Video. Another movie I have been meaning to see for over a year: The Bourne Ultimatum. I own the Bourne Identity and the Bourne Supremacy, but I have yet to see the third one. Movie fest, anyone? Like maybe next weekend, after this wedding thing is over and my sister is off soaking in hot tubs and sipping martinis with the man who stole her away from me?