Best Blog Ever, Part 2

Okay, when I left you last I had just finished buying condoms at Wal-mart and had ran into a former student of mine. After getting all of the needed kinky bachelorette supplies, I raced to my sister's house to decorate. I made a big deal out of the posters I had bought to my sister (she lives quite near the Adult Shop and Bob's Adult Books). I joked that she would be quite surprised. I hung up the poster of Zac Efron from High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers. Then we left for dinner at the Roadhouse. While at the Best Little Roadhouse, waiting for a table, I see yet another student and his parents. Perfect. I'm thinking, all I want is to not see any parents at the bars. Because parent teacher conferences are on Monday. I don't need parents to see me doing crazy things at bars. And worse (better?) yet, I don't need parents flirting with me at bars (eew, gross).

Dinner goes fine, then we go back to Jess' house for some games. They were pretty interesting but not nearly as interesting as when we went to the bars, so I will skip over the Condom Relay (my team lost, go figure), Eat My Cherry (Britt won), and Can You Blow. We pretty much died laughing. For the bars, there were two games planned: Suck for a Buck where each girl wore a candy necklace and attempted to get guys to bite off a candy for a dollar, and the scavenger hunt.

We got to Copper John's (which was quite packed) and ordered some drinks. I am quite pissed to report that my drink cost seven bucks and I drank it within ten minutes. We were paired up for the scavenger hunt, instantly looking for guys with mullets, Chinese or dragon tattoos, and condoms. I got three guy's phone numbers (two of whom I already knew--thanks Quinn and Hanus--is that how you spell your name?), and my sister got a guy to go out to his truck and get two gold packaged Magnum condoms. Haha. We also got several guys to write on napkins all the reasons why Jess should marry them and not her fiancee (I'd type it up here but Jess has the napkin and is currently on her honeymoon), we scored some business cars, got some free drinks, and Jess made four bucks off of her candy necklace. We also met this guy who could have been semi-hot in his 32 year old man sort of way. One interesting part was when two friends (both of which must have been 30 something) showed us their matching pirate tattoos. Oh, and I also drew a tattoo on the bouncer. It was of a heart with an arrow through it and the name "Mom."

We also got men to show us their belly button, speak to us in a foreign language, and feel their biceps. One scavenger hunt item that we unfortunately did not fulfill was find a man to perform magic tricks. I saw two teachers while at the bar. I tried to lie low. Eventually we moved to The Six.

We were mad about the $5 cover charge, but Jess still wanted to go dancing, so we coughed up the cash and went in. Upon our entrance, we met another bachelorette who was totally trashed and needed three people to help her out. It was extremely hot inside, but as required, we ripped it up on the dance floor. We saw aforementioned 32 year old man. He asked for the paper back that he had written on and changed his response, leaving Jess his number and a plea to hang out soon. Covered it sweat beads, we went downstairs where it was air conditioned.

I don't know if you've ever been in The Six, but downstairs is all black lights. We ordered some drinks and then sat in the booth with the chairs that like to tip over.

Upon inspection of one another, we decided that we looked like trolls. Jess' white veil glowed in the black light, but our teeth glowed yellow since they are not perfectly white in real life. I had on a black tube top which revealed all sorts of disgusting lint particles in the black light. Added to this, the tips of our nails glowed yellow, and our freckles stood out worse than in the summer time. You could seriously see every dot beneath the skin. It was like one of those UV radiation booths to see sun damage. It was very dark, but we looked like spotted cheetahs (on the prowl, I might add). Yes, I thought we were gross little trolls in the underground cave. We laughed about it, but I guess we must have been cute trolls. Like you know, the ones with the fuzzy sticking up pink hair and the gemstone belly buttons that if you rub, you can make a wish that is unlikely to come true? Because down there in the troll cave, two different guys tried to hit on us.

Britt's nemesis came first. He was some Indian guy who was too old for her and creepy. He slid into the booth next to her like a lubed up banana slipping in the hands of a virgin during a condom relay game. Britt, ever graceful, was polite and talked to him, making herself as boring as possible. He eventually left. We danced some more. Oh! I forgot a traumatic yet disgustingly interesting detail. Brittany witnessed this chick giving a hand job to some fat dude sitting at the table next to us. Totally sick, I know. Glad I didn't see it. I would have puked on the spot. Would have revolted on the ground. We went up stairs, danced some more, then went back downstairs when it got too hot.

I was standing downstairs at the booth, waiting for Jess to order a drink when some slime ball rubbed his hand all over my bare back. He walked in front of me, winked, and then came back to sit next to me in the booth. His only saving grace was that he was semi-cute. At least, better than the Indian guy by comparison. He instantly grabbed my hand. "Oh, you're hands are so warm and so little, I could hold them all night," he said. Like it wasn't 104 degrees upstairs. He didn't let go. It was awkward. I'm not used to letting people I don't know hold my hand. No one ever holds my hand. Not letting go, he started the small talk. He asked me what high school I went to. I'm like, hello? We're in a club. You have to be 21 to get in. Obviously he wasn't the brightest light shining in the neon pink vacancy sign. Was that stuck up of me to say? Probably. Because Donny (that's his name) told me I seemed to be the more stuck up one among the girls. I didn't act offended. I told him he was probably right. And okay, so I'm judgemental, but just because I am drinking in a bar does not mean I'm going to be attracted to smokers and creepers. Utterly single as I am, I still have standards.

Eventually insulting Donny left us, and we were encouraged to go dance by some guy who was decent looking. I had to pee like Seabiscuit, so I went to the trashy bathroom for a whizz. The stall next to me had two sets of legs. Some girl was puking up her guts and her friend was holding her hair (I only guess). Once I got outside I discovered Mr. 32 Year Old was talking with Jess. He paid her another dollar to eat a candy off her necklace, but got slippery with it and licked her neck first.

At two a.m. we called it quits and I drove the crew home. I crashed on my sister's couch then ate Oreo cake for breakfast the next morning. I went to parent teacher conferences the next day and did not see any men I recognized, which was a good thing.