Why my car is a piece of crap

I am going to burn up in a fiery blaze. Here's why:

I am pulling into my parking spot and the gym, I turn off the engine, and then a bit too eagerly I pull at the door to get out. The entire handle breaks off in my hand. I am holding the easiest way to exit my car in my palm. It's just a grey piece of plastic, but it's the chunk of plastic that could save my life, had I gotten into an accident and needed to get out.

I think to myself, "Shiitaki mushrooms, how am I going to get out?" It's kind of embarrassing because someone else is waiting in their car parked across from me. They don't know I'm stuck inside. I try to jam the handle back in and open it. Okay, maybe you need a bit of a back story.

The plastic rim around the handle cracked about a year ago and the door handle basically fell apart, but if you jammed it in just so, you could open it. It never actually fell off in two pieces though. The same thing has happend to my passenger side door. Whenever I have passengers I have to lean across them and open the door myself, because they can't figure out how to twist it just right. Leaning across them to let them out is basically my excuse to make out with my passengers. You know, he's all "How in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks do you get out of here?" And I'm all "Oh, it's easy, you just have to go like this." And I lean across him and while I am there we smooch for a bit. It happens all the time. So I didn't really see a reason to get that one fixed. But I need to get out myself. Back to the story.

So I have a chunk of plastic in my hand which is essentially useless to me. I throw it to the side and contemplate my escape. I could shimmy over the seat and exit through the passenger door, provided the handle doesn't break off in my grip too. What's easier is sticking my keys back in the ignition and rolling down my automatic windows. I do this, stick my hand outside, and open the door from the outside. Then I roll up the window, turn off my car, and get out. Sucess!

I call Natalie to tell her the unfortunate event.

I work out, get back in my car, and get home. I pull into my garage and try to get out. I remember that I have no handle. Once again, I put the keys back in, roll down the window, open the door, roll up the window, and then turn the car off.

This happened to me on Wednesday. So far I have forgotten every time that I've used my car that I cannot get out. I always turn my car off, tuck my keys in my pocket, then realize I'm stuck.

Like I said, the reason I am going to burn in a fiery blaze is because if I get in an accident, my car will be a total death trap. I won't be able to get out either door, so I will have to crawl into the back to open one of those doors. But chances are my legs will be broken or the back end of my car will be smashed up. So I will just burn. Which is why I need to cough up some money and get it fixed. It costs a lot more than you think it should--I checked. Or rather, Natalie helped me check, because she is concerned for my safety.

Here's the other thing--I really need to get my oil changed. I need to take it in and get it checked, but when the mechanic gets in my car to move it, he won't be able to get out. I'll have to tape on a sticky note that says "exit through window" or something like that.