Holiday Advice

As the holidays arrive, some people are put in awkward/frustrating/stupid/weird situations where they just don't know what to do. Here, I offer advice.


Dear TRP,
I'm leaving college to go home for the holidays. On Thanksgiving, I totally felt like I was 14 again. What can I do so that I don't feel like a baby this Christmas? I want my parents to realize I've grown up.

Dear Baby,
Drink a lot of vodka or put peppermint schnapps in your hot chocolate and watch a lot of R-rated movies. Make sure to stay up as late as you want and eat cereal for dinner like you usually do. This will help make you feel like you are still living your grown up lifestyle. Your parents will realize how mature you've gotten while away, and they'll stop treating you like a baby.

Dear TRP,
I already have too much stuff and not enough money to buy gifts for everyone, so I don't really want my friends to get me things for Christmas. What should I say when they ask me what I want for Christmas?

Dear Poor Clutter-Catch all,

Chances are if you say "nothing," they'll end up getting you something anyway. A lot of people just like to give stuff, because it makes them feel good about themselves. They don't give you presents because it makes you happy, they give gifts because it makes them happy to think that they've made you happy. So do yourself a favor. When they ask what you want, be uber-practical. Ask for stamps, toilet paper, scented soap from Bath and Body, and Crest toothpaste. Every year I ask my mom for dental floss and mascara, and I have yet to run out. If you're worried about returning the favor, buy them paper towels, Kleenex, shampoo, or paper clips (if they work in an office). They'll be elated with the practicality of your gift.


Dear TRP, 
I have a work Christmas party coming up and no significant other to take with me. What should I do? I don't want to be the only loner there.

Dear Table for One,
You have tons of options here. You could invent a fake boyfriend who is a businessman or musician, and make up an excuse for his absence. Or you could make sure everyone gets a lot to drink so that they stop being so judgmental. Or you could drink a lot while you're there. Or you could find a male escort like on The Wedding Date. Or you could arrange a first date via match.com and tell him to meet you at the party. Just don't let him know it's a party. Tell him that's where you live. Or you could text people all night long and be elusive in the corner.