Fake interview with a reality celebrity: Brett from Survivor

Back story for you: One of my roommates and many of my mutual friends went to high school with one of the contestants from this season's Survivor. Maybe you've seen him. He rocks a purple shirt that matches his tribe, Galu, and his name is Brett. Last Thursday I went to a Survivor viewing party with all these people who went to high school with him. I was one of two people who didn't share sophomore algebra class with him. Everyone was pointing "Hey look! It's Brett! I know him!" Mean while, I was like "Hey look! A woman with a giant mullet! I know her!" (kidding. Shambo and I only briefly passed each other once while we were in the Marines in '89).

I've never met the kid, but seeing as he is basically a hometown celebrity, I figured I should (fake) interview him. A phone interview was arranged.

TRP: Hi. Is this Brett from Survivor?
Brett: Yeah. Who is this?
TRP: Nobody you know. A form of the paparazzi. If my blog were a salsa, it would be mild. We're real low key. But you know, still spicy.
Brett: How'd you get this number?
TRP: I looked up your parent's number in the local phone directory and told your mom I was a friend from church. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Brett: Uh, sure. Just don't tell CBS I agreed to this.
TRP: Considering the circumstances of this interview, you haven't agreed to anything. Now, obviously only one episode of Survivor has aired thus far. We haven't really seen you much, but we have learned about some other contestants, mainly, Shambo the mullet woman and the evil leprechaun man who likes to burn his fellow team mate's socks. What can you tell us about these people?
Brett: Oh man, Shambo is awesome. We were paddling over the ocean together and I felt the wind in my hair, salt water in my mouth, and Shambo's mullet flying back and hitting me in the face. I was a bit annoyed at first, but that woman can row like none other. She's a natural born leader. You have to be with that kind of hair.
TRP: So thumbs up for Shambo?
Brett: Definitely.
TRP: What about evil leprechaun man? I mean, I know he's not on your tribe, but surely you know something about him?
Brett: Reminds me of a nightmare I'd rather forget.
TRP:: Now, Brett, I know you can't reveal who the final two is, or say how long you stayed on the show, but I have a hypothesis that I am basing off of two things I heard while at the Survivor viewing party I attended last week.
Brett: What did you hear? They didn't show you my year book picture from freshman year, did they?
TRP: Um, no. I heard you lost 26 pounds while on the show. If that were true, I did some math and I have an estimate on how long you lasted.
Brett: Oh yeah? Are you good at math?
TRP: Not really....Seeing as how I have never met you, I don't know how much you normally weigh, but I am going to guess 165.
Brett: Whoa, there. I'm not sure if I should be offended or flattered.
TRP: That makes two of us. If you weighed 165 pounds and did a lot of physical activity while on the island, you would burn about 3,660 calories a day. My guess might not be accurate because I used some calculator on the internet and you know how reliable that can be.
Brett: Probably as reliable as a fake interview.
TRP: A pound is 3500 calories, so in order to lose 26 pounds you would have to burn 91,000 calories. Say that you ate crap the whole time and only got beans and rice and a mango or something. You probably only got to eat about 900 calories a day, if you were lucky. I think. But what do I know.
Brett: I have no idea. I'm thinking not a lot.
TRP: I'll pretend like I didn't hear that. Anyway, 3660-900 = 2760 that you burn each day. 91000 divided by 2760 is 33, so I estimate that you stayed on the show for 33 days. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I misjudged you and you were really lazy on the show and bathed in the sun all day instead of burning 3660 calories like I thought you would.
Brett: It's possible. I did craft a hammock out of a giant leaf.
TRP: But maybe you ate more than beans and rice and a mango all day, and you consumed more calories, which means you would need to stay on the show more days to burn 91,000 calories. I mean, maybe you pulled an evil leprechaun move and drank everyone's jungle juice at night and devoured their socks for extra fiber.
Brett: Doubtful. What was the other information you learned? You said I lost 26 pounds and something else?
TRP: Sanity, perhaps? Just kidding. No. I heard that the jeans you wore on the show were dark gray and they turned light purple from washing them in the ocean so much.
Brett: Oh.
TRP: So if that were true, it seems like you would have to be on the show a while in order to do laundry that often. Unless you have OCD and wash your pants 3 times a day or something.
Brett: I don't. But I use Snuggle fabric softener. It makes your clothes cuddly soft.
TRP: Good to know. So then I am still going with my estimate that you lasted 33 days.
Brett: If that's what you want to think.
TRP: I do. Brett, I just have one more question for you.
Brett: Shoot.
TRP: If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Brett: I'd probably pay off my student loans, buy a house and a sweet ride, take my family on a vacation, and invest the rest.
TRP: Now, about that vacation. Were you thinking about taking your family to some place tropical? An island perhaps?
Brett: No. Europe. Five star hotels. Room service with lots of food.
TRP: Okay. Brett, is there anything else you want to tell fans of Survivor and The Real Pretend?
Brett: Keep watching the show because this interview yielded some very inconclusive non-evidence. And this reporter shouldn't quit her day job.
TRP: I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Brett, for taking some imaginary time to fake talk to us in this fictional phone interview.

Watch Brett this Thursday on Survivor on CBS at 8pm.

Also, send in your questions for me to ask Brett in case he let's me do another (fake) interview with him. But chances are you are the person who sat in front of him in algebra class.