Jesus wears Abercrombie

Right now I want you to close your eyes and imagine you are in heaven, shaking the hand of Jesus. I’ll give you a minute. What does it look like? You’re floating on clouds, aren’t you? And Jesus is wearing a glorified white bath robe with a golden rope tied around the waist as a belt. He’s got brown hair and a brown beard, and he looks Caucasian, even though he was born in the Middle East. Am I right?

I don’t know why we picture Jesus dressed up in old school Bible garb. It’s not like we ever actually saw him this way. In fact, the only time I have ever seen anyone wear a “robe” was during my church’s Christmas play. For this reason, I seem to have an artificial image of him stuck in my mind like this. You know, this picture. It was a picture my great-grandma had hanging in the hallway outside of her bathroom. Etched in my mind. Probably yours, too.

My Jesus is pretty boss, which is why I am currently trying to picture him in more contemporary clothing. I’m fairly certain he’s up on the times. He know what’s going down on planet Earth. Sudden image: Jesus on the set of What Not to Wear. Stacey and Clinton are like, “Hey, JC, we’ve got some secret footage of you. It seems you’ve been wearing the same outfit for the past 2000 years or so.”

This is what I think Jesus will be wearing when I shake his hand: some jeans, Converse sneakers, and a t-shirt from one of his favorite bands, which could be anybody since he loves everyone the same. But you know, no tees made by kids in sweatshops. Plus, the beard is gone. It’s 2008, we’ve got Gillette.
Big paradigm shift coming up. He’s not a white boy. I’m thinking he looks more like Sayid from LOST, or something. Minus the torturing experience from the Republican Guard. Maybe you’re wondering what’s the same between the Jesus wearing the robe and sandals and the Jesus in Levis and sneakers. Scars in his hands, scars on his feet. Because he still died for you.