11-11-11 Make a wish!

I remember thinking of this day last year on 10-10-10. I thought to myself "eleven eleven eleven, it's going to be a day of mystery." And indeed it is. I've got my detective party tonight. I am super excited for it, hope it goes well, and can't wait to share photos and the case we solve afterwards.

Right now I want to reflect on today. Yes, it is Veteran's day, but for me, every 11-11 is also the date I ponder the last year of my life. I've journaled on this day every year since I was 15. Many years I approach my birthday with disappointment, thinking "Wow, nothing happened this year that I thought would happen." I think to myself "this is the last day I will ever be ____years old." Today is the last day I will ever be 25 years old, unless of course someone invents a time machine that reverts my age.

Last year was a tough one, probably the worst ever. But thankfully, it only lasted for half of my 25th year. June marked a new beginning with a new life, and I began to wake up every morning just excited to get out of bed and start the day. No more hiding under the covers, anxious feelings, nightmarish dreams, or exhaustion from work.

Everything is new and so many great things are beginning. I helped a 17 year old boy start school for the first time. I've put into action my vision of having a Bible class in a public elementary school (whole post on that topic next week). I've taken a risk and started an actual legit business (not talking about Joelle Jean, Inc., though my services are still available. This business has yet to be unveiled to the on-line world, though many of my friends know about my plans already).

And okay, so I still haven't found another roommate to fill up my house, and I have only made $64.37 in the past two months. I still have to trust God everyday that he will take care of me, but I do, and it is good. I am trying my best to listen to the Big Man and actually DO what he tells me, and I am so excited about all of these new things that are happening, even if they have nothing to do with health insurance benefits and a regular monthly check.

I am alive, I am blessed, and I am protected. It's a good year for a birthday.

Much love to you,
Joelle

Stop Using These Phrases

"Hi, I'm Sam."
"Hi Sam, nice to meet you. So what do you do?"

Stop asking people how they pay their bills and start asking them what their passions are. Maybe I've started to feel strongly about this because for the past few months, I have done nothing that has resulted in more money sitting in my bank account. Which makes me sound lazy. That's fine, you can think that.

When I meet someone new and they ask me "What do you do?" I tell them "I'm unemployed, but I used to be a teacher." Though the question behind "What do you do?" is really "What are you good at? What do you like doing? What kind of person are you?"

If I told you that Adam is a financial advisor at a bank, and Ethan pumps gas at the 76, you've already got your opinions on them. But maybe everyday after work, Adam goes home and drinks a fifth of Jack Daniels, and Ethan volunteers at the community center teaching kids how to play soccer. What do you think now?

I admit that I have been a terrible judge, and that I think things about people based on what they do to make money. So I'm trying really hard to stop asking people this question. I don't want to ask someone what they do. I want to ask them what they love. What makes them excited about life?

So in case you are curious about me, here are the details...
How I pay my bills
I have actually secretly acquired a sugar daddy who lives in San Diego. Don't believe me? I am not receiving weekly unemployment checks, I'm not on food stamps, I don't have a husband to support me, and my parents don't pay my bills. Instead, I am emptying the savings account I had stashed up for grad school. As my cousin Kristi would say, "Life is grad school for the hard knocks." So in a way, this is my grad school. A time to discover and do what I am passionate about.


Things that make me excited about life
helping kids grow
writing to share truth, joy, humor, and hope
teaching Bible class at the public school I used to work at*
creating beautiful things
teaching a 17 year old boy how to read*
writing encouraging letters to strangers

Another phrase that I hate besides "What do you do?" is "How are you?" People always lie. They say, "I'm fine." So instead of asking a person "How was your week?" I want to start asking them "What happened to you this week?" Based on what sort of things they tell me happened to them, I'll make the call on whether they are fine or not. It's likely that their voice and expressions will betray them, and I will discover how they are really feeling.

So Reader, I want to know. What are your passions? What makes you excited about life? And what happened to you this week? Drop me a line.



*these are two things that I will tell you more about in separate posts for each of them. I thought way back in April that God wanted me to teach for free, and I still think he does, just not in the way I previously expected.

2010: A Year End Review

To be honest, I’m really glad to be rid of 2010. It was mostly a load of crap. But instead of writing about everything that was wrong with 2010 (and believe me, there was plenty), I've decided to focus on the positive. I'm trying to not be so cynical this year. So here are all of the good things that happened, in no particular order:

1) I met Casey and Leslie. These are two amazing, beautiful, brilliant girls who love God and are fun beyond belief. Getting to know them this year has been a blessing. Kudos to Kaitlynn and Natalie for inviting those girls to Bible study at my house.

2) I finally got a gorgeous six foot wooden bookcase in my living room and unpacked my books from the garage. I sort of feel like it's my best piece of furniture. And okay, my couch is super comfortable, but the bookshelf holds the words dear to my heart.

3) Girls' Bible Study trip to Duck Bay over the summer. It was a blast spending time with the girls out in the middle of no where. They really impressed me with their ability to keep calm when my dad acted like our water tour guide and basically terrified us on his jet boat. But you know, at least we had the musical warning. Whenever he played "American Woman," we knew to hang on tight.

4) Basically all of my childhood/high school friends got married this year. I attended five lovely weddings. Seeing friends that I've known for so long marry the person they love was incredible, and I am happy I was there to witness it. Plus, the cake was pretty good, too.

5) The end of the 09-10 school year in June was heart warming. I was really proud of my kids and how we formed such a tight community in our classroom. Even if the students I have this year think I'm a mean teacher, I know that there are at least 28 other kids who viewed me as a rock star and knew that I cared about them deeply. They are fifth graders this year and I love it when they pop into my classroom in the morning to say hello and how much they miss being in my fourth grade class.

6) Through the sudden death of a loved one, I learned how strong and filled with love my family is. I also discovered that I was more capable at leading prayer than I thought. It was the worst moment, but it was the moment that I could feel God was still with us. I can see the whole thing play in my mind like a movie. All the relatives were at the funeral home and about half of us chose to view the body. I had to. I knew if I didn't, I would keep on thinking my grandpa was just playing a joke on us. When I saw him, it became tragically real. Tears streamed from every face. Just as we were about to leave, my sister cried "Shouldn't we pray?" But she couldn't because she was hysterical. And nobody else wanted to take it on either. What are you supposed to pray about when someone dies? But I knew what my sister meant. We were here with his body for the last time, and it felt like we should pray. So even though I don't like to pray out loud in front of people a whole lot, I scooped up the hands next to me that were holding Kleenexes, and I said the first words I could think of. "Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord." We all knew then that it was the right thing to say. It was the only thing to say to God at the time. I kept praying and I thanked God for giving us Papa, and for blessing us with a grandpa who was so loving. Thank you God, for allowing Papa's time on earth.

7) My sister and fake brother celebrated their two year anniversary, and they still like each other. That makes me happy.

8) Girls' Trip to the Beach with Gram. This adventure was totally epic. I loved hanging out with my aunts, mom, sister, and grandma. We laughed till we cried, ate lots of chocolate, revealed secrets, learned family history, crafted, and laughed even more. I am already looking forward to our 2011 vacation.

9) I found a local church that I totally dig.

Happy 1-1-11 everybody!

Crescendo

¹cre·scen·do  noun  \krə-ˈshen-(ˌ)dō   the peak of a gradual increase

 As the cold November rain falls outside my window, as it hits the pavement in my driveway, I think to myself, "I need my life's crescendo to be here." Because my life's been a piece that's been played way too slowly and way too softly. I want that excitement of a crescendo. The anticipation is killing me.

There's nothing like the drums beating loudly, the piano echoing through the room, and all of the strings playing at once. It's a burst of beauty. You cannot describe crescendo accurately with words, because there is something that happens inside your heart when you hear it. But the more I think about it, the more I think "what happens after the crescendo?" Usually after the peak, things start to slow down and soften again. And then it ends on a coda.

I'm not sure crescendo is the right thing at this moment. It will be lovely and beautiful when it happens, but maybe I still need to practice for it. A bit of more time spent reading the music, you know? But I'm ready to move forward, past these measures I've been stuck on. This is where the tempo quickens. I can hear the metronome ticking. I'm going to start playing faster now. And louder. The 24th measure has been completed.

The crescendo has been composed, I know. It has been written. I'm getting there. I guess I just need to keep listening.

Happily Ever Before

I was inspired to write this after reading Hannah Katy's "Dear Priscilla, you can have your story back", which she posted all the way back in May.

While waiting upon the happily ever after scenario, I've realized I can write another story. The prequel. The Happily Ever Before story. Hannah wrote about how you shouldn't want somebody else's life, because that would mean that someone would be living out yours, and there are things you wouldn't want to miss or give up.

And she's right. I think about the people I know, my family, my friends, the experiences that I have had, and I realize I am fiercely protective over many of them. Sure, there are a chunk of difficult moments I'd give away in a heartbeat, and there are others I would want to keep just for me--those memories I wouldn't want anybody else to have. 

Hannah writes that We grow to be pretty good at belittling our life experiences in order to shine a spotlight on the ones we deem to be more interesting. It takes a few seconds to swap out our own story for one that is more “Hollywood,” more “glamorous.” I know I do this a lot. I think about how my own story is mundane in comparison to other people I've met. I know I need to own my life and be proud of it, to cherish it, even when I feel like it's worthless. I know that.

Hannah continues I think it's time that instead of constantly glorifying the stories of others we begin to hold up our own stories. We waste time wrapped up in the way someone else lives their life, in picking apart our own lifestyles because they don’t unfold perfectly, because we haven’t fallen in love as quickly as we had hoped.

I mean, I want my happily ever after. But more fiercely, I want my happily ever before. Because sometimes, the before part lasts longer than the after. This. Is. It. Right now. Who knows when after is coming? This is my story, and I need to claim it. Waking up every morning is not easy. Knowing what I'm living for every day is still a mystery. But I have been blessed with life, and should at least make an attempt at valuing the moments in it.

This is happily ever before. And it starts now.

What's 85 years when we will have forever

Let's say I live to be 85 years old. Probably more because I have good oral hygiene and I'm a vegetarian. But maybe less because I don't own any pets. So 85ish years on Earth.

I've lived nearly 25 of them so far. So just 60 left. The first 25 have been really difficult. There were a few very blissful years off and on where I was really loving life. But most of it's been crap, let's be honest. I'm a cynic and I'm not good at looking on the bright side. I've frequently been in despair thinking "what if the rest of my life is just as bad? What if it never gets any better? What if I am never happy?" And let's be honest, I won't be. I can never be happy on Earth. No one truly can.

But what is 85 years when I have forever? Okay, so actually forever minus 85 years. What I mean is this. Right now I'm on Earth, where it sucks. I do not know if things will ever get better. There's nothing telling me it will be. But I absolutely believe in heaven, and I absolutely believe that I will be happy there, and life there will be totally awesome. In heaven, I will be beautiful and I will be loved and I won't cry alone in my bed at night. Instead, I will dine with the Lord at his banquet table. I will be surrounded by the glory of God for the rest of eternity.

So what's 85 years?

This is a new perspective for me, you know. It's not like I've been thinking this for a long time. I've been thinking ten years is too long. I've been asking God "What the hell?"

Just imagine the one person you love more than anybody. That person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe you're married to them already, maybe you are going to marry them sometime, maybe you just love them dearly. Think of that person. I've never loved anybody, so it makes the imagining for me a lot easier.

Someone says to you, "For the next three years you are going to go through hell alone, but after that, the one you love will be with you until the day you die, and your life together will be happy."

I know what you're thinking. Is this "someone" wearing gypsy clothing and telling you this out of the back of her caravan? But let's just pretend that it's legit. You'd be willing to go three years, wouldn't you? For that? For happiness with the one you love until the day you die?

Put it into perspective. Forever in heaven with God is twice as long as 85 years. Wouldn't you give half your time in a terrible crap-hole of a life if it meant pure bliss and perfection for the other half? No? Well, actually, I did the math wrong. Forever in heaven surrounded by the glory of God is actually five times as long as 85 years. Wouldn't you give that? 1/5th of your time living in horrible, wretched circumstances, if for the other 4/5ths of it you got to live in a posh palace with a gorgeous new body, surrounded by love? Well, get this. Forever in heaven with God is actually infinitely longer than 85 years. I did the math wrong before. But now I've got it right.

So what is 85 years of hell on Earth, when you've got eternity with God in heaven? The circumstances of this world, I am not so sure about. It could get better, but it will probably get worse. But of heaven, I am certain. I am certain that it will be perfect and wonderful, and will last an infinitesimal amount of time.

I know what you're thinking. Joelle, did you get put on Prozac? No. I just got put into a different perspective.

Death Steals Hearts

Death steals hearts. It steals the hearts of the ones we love right out of their beds at night. It not only takes them, it takes you.

Death can take our hearts and make them bitter. It can nab our hearts and make them lonely. Or death can steal our hearts and make them sad. When one person dies, we might feel a bit of ourselves go as well.

Even when we’re expecting it, we fall apart. Death takes us someplace nothing else can. It makes us think about our own lives, how we could have loved more, how we could have loved differently. It takes us deep into the past, thinking of every little moment we can remember with that person who is now gone. Hanging on is dear, but letting go is dearest of all.

I’m standing there, under the gorgeous blue sky, rays of sunshine beaming down on me. I’m standing there, clothed in black, surrounded by family, all of dressed like raven birds. I’m standing there, looking out on the hilltop, past the headstones, and what I see is all the fields and farmhouses and animals. Because here we are, here she is, back where she most wanted to be. Less than a mile from her childhood home. Less than a mile from the church she grew up in and got married in. Surrounded by our heritage, encased in the setting that supported hard work and saving. Here she is, lying next to her husband again, under the glistening sun. She would have wanted to be here the most. She had been waiting.

Let me tell you about my grandma.

She grew up near Hillsboro, in Bethany. She went to the Presbyterian Church near her childhood home for years and years, even got married there. She married my grandpa, Roy, and they had a dairy farm together. The story that I heard this morning goes like this: Grandpa had some young men out working with him in the hay field. It was lunch time and one of the men opened up his lunch to reveal a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My Grandpa Roy said “What the hell is that?” And the man said, “It’s lunch.” Roy told him it sure wasn’t, and that he’d better come back to the house for a real meal. They got there and my grandma had a proper lunch going. Cheese and sausage, I’m sure. And probably potatoes and applesauce, along with some bread. Undoubtedly. The man said there was more food there than he’d seen at his Thanksgiving dinner. Well, from then on he left his lunch at home, because he learned that Betty knew how to feed the farm boys. I remember walking in that white farm house door at ten o’clock or two o’clock, she always asked you if you wanted something to eat. And when you said no she put food in front of you anyway.

Later, when my grandparents moved away from Bethany, my grandma still was a faithful Presbyterian. She went to the same church for over 50 years. As I was sitting in that same church for the funeral, I learned two things. First thing was, Grandma helped run that church. She taught Sunday School in her early years and helped build part of that church. My Grandpa Roy was building the wing and Grandma was on the phone calling everyone saying “You’d better come down and help my husband build the church.” Years later, after my grandpa died, Grandma worked in the church office. And even later, after she had to move off the farm and into a retirement center, she was still there every Thursday at 9:30am to fold bulletins. The pastor said he knew he couldn’t be late those days, because you could count on Betty to be there at 9:30 sharp, ready to fold those bulletins. She came, even when she had to use her cane to hobble across the parking lot. She was too stubborn to use a wheelchair, of course.

She was too stubborn and fed you right, that was my grandma. She was faithful and worked hard.

If you should learn anything from reading about her, then learn this: work hard and take care of people.

Yes, Death steals hearts. But Love can take it right back.

Betty Jean Grossen

Sept. 1, 1928 to Sept. 16, 2010

Make It Rain

Friday, 9/24/10  8:23pm, my bedroom

I went to my Grandma's funeral today. Life right now just feels so surreal, like none of it can be true. Because how did I get to this? How did I end up here? The parts of life that I hate the most are the parts where I don't get to choose. Sure, I can pick what college I go to, but I can't decide when death will take my family. And I can choose which house I live in, but I can't decide who is going to love me. The parts that mean the most to me are the parts I have no control over. They are unexpected. Having faith that God loves me when I feel like he has abandoned me is tough. Believing that this is all part of a beautiful plan is not easy. But I still have a tiny sliver of hope. I've written this before, but I'll write it again: My hope is like a single blade of grass poking through the crusty dirt clods in a barren dirt field. It is tiny, nearly invisible, but it is still there.

Make it rain, God. Make it rain.

Read About Something Happy Instead

If you are looking for something to make you feel better about your crappy life, then continue to read this post. If you want out, then take a happy diversion and read this instead. Because I'm about to tell you why my life sucks so bad. I felt so bad about my life today, that I went to my sister's to cry and to watch Hoarders on her cable TV. Because Hoarders reminds me that other people have anxiety attacks much worse than I do, and that at least I don't have 17 dogs and 22 cats living in my house defecating all over the place, and at least protective services isn't about to take my kids away from me (though right now I sort of wish they'd take 30 from me).

I'm not going to tell you all of the reasons my life really sucks, because some things are too private, even for the world wide inter-web of blogging. But I will fully let you know that I spent a solid 11 hours at work today. I was at school until 7:30 last night for Open House, so that I could meet parents yesterday. I'm not even counting yesterday, that wasn't the 11 hours. Even though I was there so late, I had to wake up an hour early today so that I could get to school early this morning and prep all the stuff I needed for teaching today. And then I stayed for three more hours after school was over.

Because of this, I missed out on my kickboxing class since I was there too late. Which means that on top of being mad, I am also probably getting fatter. Because you know, I've only worked out for 3 hours in the past four weeks. And believe me, you don't want to mess with a fat, angry teacher. We're fierce.

You are just lucky I went to my sister's first and didn't come straight home and start writing. If I had done that, then this post would have been full of curse words. Probably even the f word spelled out in its entirety. And I don't even cuss.

Oh my word, I think I am turning into a psychopathic person with split personalities.

Now that you've read this far, I probably trust you enough to tell you other things. Like a truck driver traversing America, you're in it for the long haul. So why did I need to spend 3 extra hours after school? Well, because I had to plan for a substitute for Thursday and Friday. And I can't just write up any old rubbish, though I got so mad when the clock neared 6:20pm that Friday afternoon is not looking good for the kids.

Why do I need a substitute for Thursday and Friday? Well, because death steals your family, that's why. I didn't want to bring my Grandma into this because she doesn't deserve to be thrown in with an angry post about how much my life sucks; she deserves one devoted just to her. But I'll let you know the gist of it.

My maternal grandpa died in the middle of August. It was sudden and unexpected and now he's gone and my mom no longer has her father. Last Thursday my paternal grandma passed away. It wasn't a huge shock as her health had been failing, but it is still a loss. And now the other side of my family is hurting. She's gone, and my dad no longer has either of his parents. Two deaths in less than a month is kind of hard.

You don't need to care, you really don't. But I just want you to know that I'm not some perfect person with a really awesome life. I'm real, just like you are, and right now I feel like I'm suffocating.

If I left you feeling a bit depressed, I'm sorry. Just remember, probably somebody out there still loves you. I will if you want me to. For reals.

What I think I will buy with my tax return

Although I owe the lovely state a wad of cash, I will still be getting some back from federal, and this is what I think I will buy:

1) A new interior door handle for the passenger side of my car. Because you know, it broke off. Like the other one. Here's the story in case you forgot. So once again my car is a death trap.

2) A lawn mower. Just a dinky one most likely, because I only have a few scraps of grass around my house. But they are getting out of control. It's like a jungle out there.

3) Those nice wooden bookshelves I've been talking about since moving into my new house. I want three. Six feet high, about three feet wide, with adjustable shelves. Real wood, not laminate.

4) Perhaps some plants/shrubs/flowers for outside. But I probably shouldn't because I just kill everything.

5) And the rest I will put in my savings account for when I get my act together and decide to start my master's degree.