Fighting yourself is the hardest battle

"How long will you continue to do that?" a relative asked me over winter break. She was referring to my volunteer teaching of reading to a teenage boy, Azarious. He had started school for the very first time in his life this October.


"As long as I can afford it."
That's what I told her, but to be honest, I don't really know what that means. What number do I let my bank account drop to until "I can't afford it"? Does that mean I will teach Azarious for free as long as I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and enough gas money to get to him everyday? Does it mean I work some afternoon/evening job for as many hours as physically possible so that I have enough money to pay for my electric bill and internet connection?


Because let's be honest, I could probably always "afford" to teach Azarious for free. It just depends on what I'm willing to give in order to make it happen. Most likely, it will not be finances that prevent me from driving to him everyday to teach him reading, it will be my own selfish behavior.

It will be me deciding that I want to be able to eat out at restaurants, or that I want a new phone or nicer car. It will be me thinking that I need to make more money. Or it will be me tired of driving an hour a day to do a job for free. Or it will be me deciding that "I can't emotionally handle the burden of being the only person trying to help this kid."

And what about Bible Club? I teach it four days a week for free at a public elementary school. How long will I be able "to afford" that? If need be, I can move in with my sister, parents, or grandma. I can get on food stamps. Money is not the issue. What will stop me from teaching Bible Club will be my desire to sleep in past 6:30. Or it will be my desire to have a full time job that starts sooner than 9:30am. It will be my pride and I'll decide that not making very much money means that I am a loser.

All of this thinking started last Wednesday when I realized how completely selfish I am. As I was driving home from the high school, I thought about calculating how much all of this volunteer work is costing me:

gas to get to Bible Club
time spent at Bible Club instead of at a job
money spent on Bible Club materials and building rental fees
gas to get to the high school for Azarious
time spent teaching Azarious instead of at a paid job
gas to get home
time spent planning/preparing to teach Bible club and Azarious instead of at a job

But before I was able to get my hands on a calculator and do some math, a different thought came into my head. "How much would it cost these kids if I didn't do this?"

The answer is too much. I can't calculate how much my Bible Club teaching is affecting those kids' lives. I can't measure how much teaching Azarious how to read is going to impact his future. I don't know, and the not knowing makes it unsafe to gamble their lives.

The question is not "how much is this going to cost me?" The question is "how much do I have to give?" The answer to the latter is "enough." If that's not the right answer, then the correct one is "more than enough."

I'm going to be fine. I should stop hoping that God sends me surprise fatty checks in the mail, because he has provided for me in advance. I have enough already, and I have enough to give.

I'm afraid that I will get more selfish and stop giving with a cheerful heart. I'm afraid that I will become bitter like before when I was an actual paid teacher. I don't want that. Having a resentful heart is like drinking a mug of poison every morning while you sit and read the newspaper.

I don't fear the possibility of eating Ramen noodles every night; I fear my own humanistic qualities and the truth that man is selfish. Fighting yourself is the hardest battle.