Dick and Jane and Vampires

I was at the library picking out some first grade level books for Azarious, the 17 year old boy I tutor. If you don't know Azarious' background story, read that here.

The problem with having a teenage boy read children's books is that he's not very interested in them. We read things like Splat the Cat and Fox in Sox. So when I found Dick and Jane and Vampires, I really thought I had hit the jackpot. Sure, it wasn't Twilight, but Azarious probably isn't in to that whole Bella-is-obsessed-with-a-man-with-no-pulse thing. Nevertheless, I couldn't resist grabbing the book from the shelf.

I opened the book and looked at a few pages. My first thought was "Oh #$%!  *$@&; and @#$%^# they let children read this?" You'll see what I mean. I wanted to scan all of the pages to show you, but I'm pretty sure I'd be breaking copyright laws if I did that.

This guy wants to suck your blood.

Hey Jane, there's a vampire head in the bushes. But it's no big deal, I've seen worse.

There's a bat and it's going to bite you on the neck and infect you and steal all of your toys!

 

Children think monsters live under their beds because we enforce the belief through literacy.

It is important to teach little girls that we won't believe them when they tell us they saw something creepy. Instead of acknowledging them and believing they are telling the truth, tell them they are a slob instead.

Holy &*@! Let's just terrify children while they learn to read.