hiding manly hotness behind a beard

There is a trend overtaking the northwest and its called "men in flannel with beards." The funny part is, only 11% of these guys are actually loggers. I just made that statistic up. But it's probably true. My great grandpa was a logger, and while he fully wore plaid flannel, he did not have a beard.

This post is dedicated to the discussion of the full beard. We're not talking about stand-alone mustaches, sideburns, goatees, or beards without mustaches like the Amish have. We're talking Tom-Hanks-my-best-friend-is-Wilson-and-I-live-on-an-island-with-a-full-beard-because-I don't-have-a-razor sort of facial hair.

I think full beards are men's way of getting back at girls for the poofy hairstyle.

Girls think this looks good, but many men don't. Girls really like big hair and get jealous when another girl has a better poof that she does. We try really hard to get at least a three inch height. Some girls use hot rollers and the ratting technique and a lot of hair spray to achieve this look. All I have to do is wake up in the morning.

Even when guys say we look stupid, we still rock this 'do. Men decided to retaliate and grow full beards, because they know we like it better when they are clean shaven. Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe guys try to one-up each other with beards.

They get jealous of one man's ability to grow a full beard in nine days, because here they are, stuck with patches on their left side. Let's not even talk about No Shave November. I try to avoid making eye contact with men during this month because I'm afraid I will either burst out laughing at their ridiculous mustache or give a look of horror because they now look like a murdering criminal who escaped from Alcatraz.

It's no secret to my closest friends that I am not a fan of facial hair. I prefer to view the hotness of man's face in full, and not behind a curtain of mustache and beard. The year after I graduated from college, I found myself attracted to a man who had a mustache and goatee. How many times did I want to slap myself across the face for this indiscretion? But I thought the guy was handsome because he was. It wasn't his facial hair that made him attractive. He would have been just as handsome (if not more) if he had a clean shaven face.

George Clooney looks hot with a beard because George Clooney is hot, period. Plus he's wearing a suit.

So men, listen up. Apart from Ke$ha, who really likes beards, if a girl is into a guy with a beard, chances are it's not because he has a beard. So don't go growing one just to snag a doll. But I know you won't listen, because just like guys like girls without poofy hair, this doesn't stop us from teasing our locks up to the roof.

Some guys look very distinguished in beards. Others look homeless. Which one are you? An easy way to tell is this: when  you walk into a fancy restaurant, are you seated immediately? Or does the hostess tell you that there are no public bathrooms available?

A few fellows find the beard to be a good disguise, kind of like celebrities in pajamas and sunglasses. They are way too hot with a shaved face, and it's causes the ladies to stare at them in awe like they're an exhibit at the zoo. The men are like "I'm scorching the ladies with the hotness of my jawbones. I really got to tone this down." So they grow beards.

Meanwhile, there's a girl out there with a sparkly poof on the top of her head who wishes she could uncover his smoking hot features with a magical razor. 

Ladies, feel free to chime in your preferences, even though it doesn't matter and men will continue to grow beards as long as they have testosterone. 


Men, tell me if I'm wrong. You grow your beards to impress other guys or because it is easier than shaving, not to impress girls, right?