roommate interviews

Now that you know I'm unemployed, you may realize the importance of me finding two roommates to fill up my house so that I can pay my mortgage. I posted an ad on Craigslist about three weeks ago, and I received several e-mails from interested persons.

I was very happy that everyone who messaged me had good spelling and punctuation. You know how I judge that sort of thing. 

One of them was all "I'm male, but other than that, I think I fulfill all of your requirements." I'm sorry, but if you are male, then you fail 99% of my requirements. I want to be able to walk around in my underwear on Saturday mornings if I feel like it (not that I ever do this, but still). And okay, the guy was a third year medical student, and he had an Asian sounding last name, which gave me a 36% chance of being able to learn martial arts from him, which would be cool. But I didn't want a man (especially a stranger--if it were actually someone I already knew, I might have considered it) living in my house. 

I'm going to give you the run-down of how a roommate interview may have gone. I've met two people in person, and have been chatting with five others via e-mail. You don't want to hear about each individual, nor do I want to write about each one, so here is the generalized picture:

Scene: Starbucks, six o'clock, Thursday night.

Me: You must be (insert candidate's name here). I'm Joelle.

Candidate: Hi, nice to meet you. Let me tell you about myself. I am 23 years old, I graduated from XYZ University, and now I work at LMNOP. I really like rock climbing and scrap booking.

Me: Oh, wow. How diverse. I've always wanted to go rock climbing. Let me tell you about myself. I really like people but don't hang out with them a lot on account of how I am sort of shy, plus, after I mention that I really like spy/agent/detective/undercover stuff, people get really wary of me and try to hide all their dirty secrets. I like writing and I subscribe to more blogs than I can read. I like baking cupcakes. My right knee cap has dislocated more than 256 times (NOT LYING), so I never run or play sports that involve balls that are larger than ping pong sized, but I like to do kickboxing...So what sort of questions do you have for me?

Candidate: How much is rent again?

Me: As much as you can stand to pay. I just quit my job and am looking for others to pay my bills.

Candidate: Oh.

Me: But utilities are included!
 
Candidate: What is your policy on pets?

Me: Well, I have a pet rabbit named Roo, but he lives outside, except for when I bring him in to play. Are you hoping to get a pet soon?

Candidate: Well, maybe a fish. I find aquariums very relaxing.

Me: Oh, that's fine. I just don't want anything that will make my house smell.

Candidate: I have asthma, so I totally understand.

Me: Okay, so I have determined that thus far, you are not a creeper. I checked as much as I could on Facebook, then I Googled you and nothing dirty came up, so you're golden. Would you like to go look at the house?

Candidate: Excellent.


Scene: My House, six-thirty, Thursday night.

Me: So this is the living room.

Candidate: Wow! It's really spacious!

Me: I know, right? I throw a lot of crazy parties here every weekend...Over here is the kitchen.

Candidate: Cute. So what's your policy on food?

Me: Ah, well with all the other girls who lived here, we kept our food separate and each had our own cupboard for food. I'm a vegetarian so I really don't share food/cook for others.

Candidate: Oh. So like...is it okay to keep meat in the house?

Me: (laughing) Definitely. You can cook meat and eat it and store it in the freezer, I'm not a freak like that. I just don't want to find blood in the sink or fur in the garbage.

Candidate: Okay, I think that will work. I've been trying to eat healthier, so maybe living with a vegetarian will help with that.

Me: I doubt it. I mostly microwave frozen vegetables and eat yogurt. Plus, you know, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for calcium...So down the hallway is the bathroom, which you will share with whoever else I pick. These are the two bedrooms I have available. They are basically exactly the same, except this one has a view of a fence and a tree, and that one has a view of a fence and the side of the neighbor's house (but no windows, so you can totally be in the nude!)

Candidate: The rooms are a little smaller than I'd like.

Me: Don't even worry about it. When my best friend Natalie lived here, she had a queen sized bed, a bookshelf, a nightstand, a dresser, a desk, a parrot cage, a large shoe collection, a mini treadmill, and a fold up slip-and-slide in here. The space is actually much bigger than it seems.

Candidate: Cool.

Me: Do you want to meet my rabbit, Roo?

Candidate: Sure.

Me: He's outside near the patio.

Candidate: Oh, he is so cute! Can I hold him?

Me: Sure. But he does have claws; I don't want you to get scratched.

Candidate: I'll pull my sleeves down....Oh, he seems really scared. Maybe you should take him back from me.

Me: Don't worry about it. He always breathes like he's about to have a heart attack. Rabbits just have a fast heart beat--like hummingbirds.

Candidate: Here you go, I think he fainted.

Me: So do you have any other questions about me or the house?

Candidate: No, I don't think so. I really like it. I won't be able to move in until mid-August though, is that okay?

Me: Since I like you so much, that could work for me.

Candidate: Awesome. Well, I am supposed to look at another place this weekend, so can I let you know by next Tuesday?

Me: Yep, sure. But before you leave, could you take this cup into the bathroom so I could get a urine sample from you? I don't want any druggies living in my house.

*****

The interactions I have had with the candidates haven't gone exactly like this, but some of it really has. Like, this one girl was really afraid I wouldn't allow her to have any meat in the kitchen at all. You get the general picture. I probably won't know until the end of August who will be for surely living with me, but when they move in I'll let you know who I picked.