CoffeeDateFilter.com

I have come up with the most brilliant business plan. I'm going to start a company called CoffeeDateFilter.com, and the tag line is going to be "where we do the filtering before you do the dating." Or maybe it will be "where we do the filtering before you take out the joe."

As you know, I no longer have a job, and this leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. I've been doing all sorts of world altering things like researching cancer and cleaning up beaches and reading Plato. But then, you know, there are times when I need to relax, and somehow I get sucked into cruising on-line dating sites.

I know what you're thinking. I'm desperate. I'm lonely. I'm trying to find a sugar daddy to pay all my upcoming bills. So not the case. I blame it all on Heidi, who forced me to create that Match.com profile which I promptly deleted the very next day. Searching dating profiles allows for the same sort of entertainment one might enjoy from reading the missed connection ads on Craigslist.

So let's just say I have been viewing profiles of various other on-line sites. And let's also say that it would be a complete waste of time for me to create a profile for a site that has this as one of their top candidates: Hey what's up! Haven't met anyone threw here yet but im not against it. Lets get to know eachother and see what comes of it! Message me if you want to learn more! Im outgoing, so feel free to hit up me.

Do you know this guy? If you are a single lady, he could soon be yours.

 This is what you must know about me: I am judgmental. Incredibly judgmental. If you do not use spell check, then I judge you. If you do not capitalize the letter i when writing, I judge you. Pushing the shift button is not that hard, people. If you can't use a period or if you over use them and just have ellipses...throughout...your entire profile...I judge you. I will let commas slide. Missed apostrophes on contractions is just plain lazy.

I judge the man who takes a photo of himself wearing a muscle tee in his bathroom mirror using his phone. I mean, at least be at the beach or something and make it look like you're not trying to show off your biceps. I judge the man who has Mickey Mouse wallpaper in the background. So what if it's not your room, why the hell are you in there?

This is the sort of photo I'm talking about. My lovely facial expression combined with my humble physique is what is really going to attract men. Profile picture, baby!

Nothing beats the quality of a blurred camera picture. As Tyra would say "look fierce."

I don't think I am the only woman in the world who forms opinions off of misspelled words and dumb pictures. I mean, men. Seriously. You are trying to attract a woman here. You should be trying to make your best impression. So maybe you've caught me spelling a word incorrectly here or there. Fine. Maybe you have seen some of the really stupid pictures I have on Facebook. Fair enough. I would just like to point out that that wasn't the first time you met me. If I were trying to score a coffee date with an utter stranger, I'd remove all those photos of me trying to drive/fly/row a cardboard box.

This is not how you attract a date. Unless of course, you are hoping that they also drive a box car.

My new dating site, coffeedatefilter.com, will put all prospective users through a test, similar to the one I had to pass in fifth grade. Single men and women will have to use spell check to correct words, identify where punctuation goes, and capitalize letters that need it. Additionally, a 100 word essay will be required. I will personally read all essays, and anyone who doesn't pass this 5th grade level test will be denied a profile on my dating site. Any men with exceptional skills will also be denied a profile, as I will be contacting them directly with a marriage proposal. I get first dibs. If they reject me kindly, then maybe I'll let them join the site.

I really think this is a needed service. Some people actually want to date others who care enough to differentiate between there, their, and they're. Am I wrong? I don't think my detective skills are so advanced that only I can see through people's profiles like a freshly Windexed sheet of glass. Surely you can also clearly see that the man with five "casual" muscle poses is desperately hoping that you will focus more on his abs than on his lack of wit or abuse of the apostrophe.

What are your thoughts? Would you like to develop my website? Are you offended because I just described your on-line dating profile? Do you think I'm going to die a lonely old cat lady? Do you want to buy stock in my company?