The biggest trust fall ever taken

It's been nearly four weeks since the school year ended, and I figured I might as well let everyone know what I've been privately telling friends and family members.

I've resigned from my teaching job and I have no definite plan. For me, this is the ultimate trust fall into God's hand. I've always had a plan. It was my plan, and I made it happen. I realize now how incredibly moronic that was. The only plan I can follow now is God's plan. Whatever it is, wherever it takes me, whatever I have to do.

 Maybe you are snubbing your nose at me. You quit your job during this economic crisis? Why can't you be thankful for your job, even if it is hard work? I am thankful, readers. I am thankful indeed. I am thankful that I survived 256 days of the most trying and shadowed time of my life, only by the mercy of God. I wanted to quit on Day 20. On Day 48, I wanted a Mexican gang to kidnap me and hold me for ransom in Tijuana so that way I wouldn't have to go to work. On day 62 I contemplated faking a pregnancy so that I could go on faux maternity leave. I say these things and you laugh because it's funny now, but it was not funny then. I was serious. I was insanely and desperately seriously wanting to be either kidnapped or in the hospital. That is not okay. Your life is not okay when your job makes you feel like that. Your soul is not okay when you wish you could spend some time in a Mexican slammer.

So thank you Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this very tough and trying experience. I realize I cannot make it on my own. I realize I cannot count on other people to make it better. You alone are enough. I thought I knew that before all this happened, but I only knew it conceptually. I didn't feel it in my heart.

Friends, this is not me quitting my job. I have finished. I have reached the finish line, even if I had to crawl on my hands and knees with mud in my eyes to get there. God only knows what sorts of trials are up next. Maybe they are worse. In that case, it's a good thing I've been so practiced and prepared.

You might think I'm being dramatic, over-reacting, weak, or being too emotional. What was it like, you ask? It's like this: I am a fine bone china teacup. I get filled with instant coffee and get zapped in the microwave. I am offended, hurt, a bit cracked on the inside. That is me in every day life. Here is me for the past year of my job: I am a fine bone china teacup. I've been taken out to the pavement and a sledge hammer has smashed me into very tiny pieces. I've been run through the grinder so many times that I have become sand.There is nothing left for the old purpose of holding tea. I am now a powdery white sand, and I am ready for God to breathe new purpose into me. 

I would very much like a rest. I would like to find some comfort and peace, but I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Alone, I am sand, but with the Lord I am a warrior. So, to God I say "bring me comfort and peace," but to the world I say, "bring it." Because I know God's got me covered. Even when I am lacking in faith and think that he doesn't care about me.

Now I wake up early every day because I am so excited to get out of bed. I love life. This feeling of joy may be fleeting, and when September rolls around and I feel the hit of a missed paycheck, my feelings could very well change. But this is a trust fall. I'm falling, Lord, I'm falling. I know you'll catch me.

Readers, I am excited. I am thrilled to show you what my God can do. I have a feeling it will surprise the both of us.