Cat Eyes

This is all a lie, but a nicer name for it would be fiction.

 I'm afraid my cat is going to scratch my eye balls out at night while I am sleeping. Here's why: on the days where I feel really stressed, my eyes feel like they are on fire. To cool them off I wear a gel sleeping mask at night. I take it out of the fridge and fasten it around my head. It's green, and when I wear it, it looks like I have glowing neon alien eyes. The next morning, I just throw it on a shelf in the fridge. I never look at what food items I place it next to.

All of the smells from the food in the fridge permeates the plastic. Sometimes my eye mask comes out smelling like a casserole, or cheese, or garlic bread, or ham. That's my cat's favorite. I fear for my life when the eye mask smells like ham. I kick my cat out of my room and lock the door, but I am always terrified that he will some how sneak in at night and then come attack my eyes, looking for a pork meal.

My cat's name is Chromio, thus named because he has a condition known as heterochromia, which basically means he looks like Kate Bosworth but with fur. This makes him act like he's a celebrity, and he thinks sleeping on my face is his right. I tell him "do that again and I'll poke you in your mismatched eyes! Then you'll be blind and need a seeing eye dog. Don't think you'll like that much." But he still tries to sleep on my face.

Chromio looks innocent, but he's not.

When he started doing this I would just lock him in the bathroom attached to my bedroom. He liked to sleep in the sink, like this cat.

Somebody else's cat

 

But then I started getting up at night to use the bathroom, and he'd get mad when I turned the faucet on on him. Now he refuses to sleep in the bathroom, so that's why I kick him out completely.

Chromio seems like he should be a good cat, but he's really not. He just wants to scratch your eyeballs out. If you ever get inebriated and have to sleep over at my house on my unbelievably comfy couch, be sure to lock Chromio in a closet first.