The Real Pretend: An Epic Heist

The date was October 25th, 2006. I know because I have it documented in two places. It was a Tuesday night made of epic proportions.

I wanted to share this college story with you because a few weeks ago I re-capped it over the phone with my friend Elizabeth, who was with me that night, and I was reminded of the details of the most amazing prank pulled in RA (Resident Assistant) history.

Liz and I were both RAs on duty that night, which basically meant we had to walk through all of the resident halls and make sure college students weren't passed out from alcohol poisoning or drowning in their own puke. Or you know, constructing bongs in the bathroom showers. Going on rounds with Liz was probably the best time ever. We themed our trips. For example: one time we went through the halls we might only speak in Spanish or with an accent, the next time we might wear thug bandannas and carry large orange plastic baseball bats, or we might do something called "fatty rounds," where we would move quite sluggishly up and down the many sets of stairs.

While RAs are not required to wear anything in particular while on duty, my staff had these sweet foam trucker hats made, and sometimes we would wear them while raising hell.

Well, on October 25th, 2006, we planned a prank to pull on one of our fellow RA staffers, Adam. He was hanging out in his dorm room with the door open, and we made a plan to distract him and steal both his mattress and his favorite reclining chair. On the rounds we made prior, we stopped in and chatted, because that's what RAs do. They talk to everyone they see in the halls, and if the people don't talk back, we get suspicious and start following them instead. Anyway, we knew Adam was in his room and some of his residents were hanging out with him.

Liz and I conspired with two of his female residents, who lived on the floor above him. Our plan was to have them act like they really needed to talk to Adam about something important, and would he please come up here? Liz and I would split up, and we'd get my resident Jeremy to do all the heavy lifting.

So this is what went down: Liz and I go through all of the other halls first, saving Adam's floor for very last. I stay on the second floor and talk with the conspiring residents while Liz goes to the first floor and keeps her eyes on Adam's door, so that way she can keep it open when he leaves. Not that we didn't have keys to the place. RAs have a key that lets them into anybody's bedroom, not because we're creepers, but because freshman are constantly locking themselves out. We have to rescue them on a daily basis. However, there was something wrong to us about using our RA powers to steal Adam's property. But it seemed fine if we did not use a forced entry and just got there at the right time when he carelessly left his door open. You know, when we tricked him into leaving.

I call Adam's room phone on the duty cell phone, and I tell him that two of his girls seem really concerned and they want to talk to him. Could he please come up here? I wait with the girls while Adam trudges up the steps. Meanwhile, Liz is practically hiding in the bushes waiting to spring into his room with mega-muscles so that she can haul everything out.

Adam arrives and I briefly explain the girls' fake problem to him. They have a good relationship with him, so they feel like they can trust him and want him to help them work out the issues. Also, they are long talkers. As soon as I schlep Adam off to them, I go out onto what we refer to as "the catwalk" and look for Liz. She's already down there giving me the thumbs up, so I take the stairs and we make a break for the RA staff room in the main building before Adam has a chance to go back to his room and find out what happened.

In the two minutes that I was on the second floor with Adam, this is what happened downstairs: Liz sprung into Adam's room like a cat, and the other residents who were in on it started taking as much stuff as they could. Where did they put it? you might ask. Well, let me reveal to you the glory that is being a resident assistant.

Across from every RA's room is this storage closet, which is approximately half the size of a dorm room. RAs have access to the key to this closet, and most of us utilize it fully. Often times we keep supplies in there for programs. For example, if we are having an educational program on STDs and plan on offering snacks, we might store all of the soda, chips, prizes, and paper bags filled with free condoms in the closet until the day of the program. Or you know, the closet might be filled with your mother's china tea cups--no joke. On Valentine's Day the year I was an RA, I threw this super awesome Valentine's tea party, and my mom let me borrow a mass array of dishes. I had to store them somewhere afterward until I could return them to her.

We also stored other things of a more personalized value in the closet. For example, my friend Danny used to keep his golf clubs in the closet. That way they were not cluttering up his room.

Here is a tiny shot of me and Adam in the RA staff room. I am wearing an apron (that apparently makes me look bloated) because I just got done hosting my tea party in the lower lounge. This pic is 4 months after the fool forgave me for pranking him.

But back to the story. So across from Adam's room was his storage closet, and as soon as Liz got down there she unlocked the closet and the residents started throwing all of Adam's stuff in there. Of course they nabbed his mattress, his coveted reclining chair, all sorts of other items, and maybe even the tent that he had pitched in his room for about forever. Then Liz shut the door, which locks automatically.

It only took the two minutes to pull this amazing disappearing act, and we figured when Adam returned to his room, his jaw would drop. He might think that we put all of his stuff in the storage closet, or he might think that we hauled it into the room of the resident next door. The problem was, he didn't have a key to get into the storage closet across from him. See, all RAs have access to the key, but we don't have one just dangling from our key chain along with our room key. You had to use your staff room key to get into the staff room, and then you had to use your lock box key to get into the lock box, whereupon about 900 keys were safely stored, including said closet storage key. The point is, recovering Adam's belongings was not going to be easy for him.

There are me and Liz, totally losing it in the staff room. We are doubling over in laughter. About four other residents have joined us, and we are questioning how long it will take Adam to come and find us. Answer: not long.

About ten minutes later he walks in, his mouth drawn in a straight line. We act totally cool, like we did not just steal his mattress and recliner and shove it into the cobweb infested, stinky storage closet.

"Oh, hey Adam," I say. "Did you solve the problem with your girl residents?"
He has a slight grin on his face but manages to relay to me whatever BS they told him. And then he says, "So I want my mattress back."

Everyone in the room can't help but burst into hysterics, and we laugh about what just happened. But the funniest thing of all is that Adam still hasn't realized that his reclining chair is also missing. He totally didn't even notice, even though he sits in that thing at his computer desk every day.

"So, ah, just the mattress then?" Liz asks. "Nothing else?"
Adam gets a confused look on his face, and the rest of us pranksters are looking at each other secretly. Finally someone (maybe me) shouts, "We also stole your RECLINING chair. And you DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!" Because now it's even funnier.

Adam is good about taking a joke, but he swears to us that he will get us back somehow when we least expect it, so both Liz and I now have to be on our guard for the rest of the year. Which, you know, is a long time considering it was only 1 month into the first term. We nicely went and unlocked the closet for Adam and helped him haul his stuff back into his room.

Our evening was epically made. And Adam never pulled a better prank on us either. Boy, I miss college.