God save me (the queen)

I was on the phone with my mom today. She was coming into Salem at 7pm for a bridal shower. I asked her who was getting married, because it seems like all the people we know who are tying the knot are my ageish. She said it was her friend Laura. I waited to hear if this was Laura's second marriage. Nope. She's at least 47 and she's just now getting married for the first time.

"God help me," was the first thing I said back to my mother. Because that will be me. In 24 years. I can't stay skinny that long.

"I won't tell her you said that," which is what my mom said back. "Laura is really happy," she told me. "Well, she should be," I replied. I mean, I would be ecstatic if I were 47 and was finally getting married. I don't know Laura, but I kind of want to interview her and see what her life has been like for the past 25 years. Has she just been rockin' her own thing? Or cuddling up with a bowl of popcorn and M&Ms every Friday night and watching Lifetime movies on cable? Just wondering.

Other things I need to tell you:

1) My god I've been an idiot. My mortgage broker needs all these documents from me, so last night I was trying to print/photocopy them all when my printer died. I was out of ink. The warning thing has been coming up for the past two months. "Danger! Danger! Low ink! Order now or else catastrophic events will ruin your life!" Only I didn't because it costs me like $35 bucks. I went to Walgreens today. Cost me ten bucks for a refill. Why didn't I go there earlier? Moron, I know.

2) I am brilliant. My mortgage broker called me today to let me know the results of the credit report he ran on me. I'm in the top bracket, thank you very much. The average American's credit score is 678. The highest possible is 850. I don't have 850, but I am in the top bracket right with it. Suckers. Guess I should thank Suze Orman and my parents. Let me explain.

Jamie (my mortgage broker) called and told me I had 3 lines of credit. He listed my credit card that I used (opened in 2007), a Bank of America credit card which has an obscenely large credit limit that I'm not even going to talk about with a $0 balance (opened in 2000), and a Chase credit card opened in 1995. Jamie was confused because in 1995 I was ten years old. Ten year old kids don't have credit cards (unless they live in Hollywood, which I don't). I explained to him that in 2005 I asked my mom to put me on her credit cards as an authorized user. That doesn't mean I ever used her credit cards. I didn't. What it meant though, was that my mother's FICO scores became my FICO scores. She has really good credit, so that's why I did it. I watched a Suze Orman episode and got the idea. I thought that my credit score would just say I had been using a credit card since 2005, which is when my mom added me. I didn't know that it meant I would inherit 13 years of credit history. So thanks, Suze, and thanks Mom for paying your credit card bill in full every month. Now that I think about it, I think I did my sister a favor as well because I think I told my mom to add the both of us to her credit cards as authorized users. So Jess probably has really good credit too.

Back to Jamie, my broker. I've never met him, but so far I've talked to him on the phone like every two days. When he first asked me my birth date, I was hesitant. November 1985, I said. I could hear a pause over the phone. Then later when he asked me if I had any assets in the form of a car, I told him I had a 1998 Toyota Corolla. After a few moments he said "That's a daughter car" (which is better than a grandma car, like my sister says it is)."That's what my daughter has," Jamie finished. I told him "Well, my dad helped me pick it out." Somewhere into our conversation Jamie mentioned that his daughter is just one year younger than me, and she graduated from college last week. "Congrats," I said. "Do you have any attractive sons my age?"