I accidentally ate meatballs instead of wheatballs

If you like to stalk people and know every intimate detail of their life, you're gonna like this post. It's all about food that I eat. Exhilarating topic, right? 

You probably know I'm a vegetarian. If this is news to you, I don't know what moss covered rock you've been sleeping under. It's not like I write strongly worded vegetarian posts, or rag on people about their meat consumption, but I know I've mentioned my stance a time or two. If you want to eat a hamburger in front of me, that's fine. Just don't expect me to grill you one. The title of this post is a complete and utter lie, and was meant for shock value to those close to me (did you believe it?)

Right now I want to give mad props to 8th Continent light vanilla soy milk. I've never been much of a milk drinker, mostly because I don't like how it tastes. I used to buy milk in the smallest quantities and only pour it on cereal or use it when baking. Chocolate fiend that I am, milk is not its necessary match. Several weeks ago, I picked up a carton of soy milk on a whim. I think they were out of skim. I selected 8th Continent Light Vanilla soy milk, and I don't think I can ever go back. This stuff actually tastes good. I've had soy milk before and thought it was a bit strange, but I'm tellin' ya, the Greek gods drank this stuff on Mount Olympus. Right along with their gold wrapped Ferrero Rocher chocolates. It makes my cereal delicious. Try it. Even if you have previously hated soy milk. Give the udders of a cow a break.

My favorite part about being a vegetarian is listening to people tell me all the ways I might get sick or die.

People are always harping on me about how they don't think I eat enough protein.  Next time someone tells me this, I'm going to ask them how many grams of protein they think they should eat daily. Do they even know? According to my incredibly reliable internet research and multiple cross checking, I have found that for a person of my size, I should be consuming 35 to 60 grams of protein daily depending on activity level. And okay, I did some math and I average about 32 grams of protein per day. So I could probably stand to have a bit more.

Normally I'm a Morning Star person, not a Boca person

I know exactly where the problem lies: breakfast. Call me a Quaker and get me a funny hat, because I love oatmeal. I can eat it six days a week and be happy. But oatmeal only has about five grams of protein per serving. For about a month I tried to do protein shakes for breakfast every morning, but I really missed my oatmeal and relapsed. I think my problem was that I went all or nothing. I've devised a new breakfast plan due to my discovery of Boca brand bruschetta tomato basil parmesan veggie patties. They are quite tasty. What I'm trying is one of the patties, a scrambled egg, and a bit or red bell pepper to add a kick. Combined, this is 19 grams of protein. I cooked the eggs and prepared dishes for two days in advance, because I absolutely cannot be bothered to wake up early enough to make breakfast. A 50 second zap in the microwave is all I've got time for. So now you can quit telling me Ima 'bout to die.

P.S. I Googled it and recipes for vegetarian "wheatballs" actually exist. It's not something I plan on making any time soon. Or ever, really--unless the No Meat Athlete invites me over to cook. 

In Defense of Beans

As a vegetarian, I probably eat more beans that the average white American. American's love to make jokes about how Mexican food makes you fart, and how if you eat any amount of beans your are just going to become one gassy balloon ready to pop. I plan on eating even more legumes as usual because I am currently utterly fascinated by Timothy Ferriss' diet in his new book, The Four Hour Body.

 I basically just want to let you in on two pieces of information that you may or may not already know.

The reason that you are gassy after eating beans is because of the high amount of raffinose sugars that are hard for humans to digest. So if you eat canned beans (as I do, because I am too lazy to soak and cook my own), then rinse them off in cold water. This gets rid of the bubbly sugar junk, and also decreases the amount of sodium you consume. I rinse my beans off in this cute little Martha Stewart brand turquoise colander that my mother bought me for Christmas. It works perfectly. And you know, the purchase of it helped benefit Martha's post-prison life. So now she doesn't have to hammer out license plates and put cute designs in them with her craft punches.

 A note on gas producing sugars: raffinose, fructose, lactose, and sorbitol are the four to know about. If you want a simple article to read that talks more about different foods that have these sugars, read this. Or you know, Google something.  

Research has also shown that the digestive system can adapt to the consumption of beans if you eat them frequently. People who eat beans often fart less than those people who rarely eat beans. You might think to yourself "I don't want to be a gas filled fuel tank, I better not eat beans often." But really, if you just eat beans regularly, you're body will adjust and you will be fine, no Beano needed.

So my advice to you:
Rinse those beans and eat them frequently. And lay off the bean jokes. Also, read The Four Hour Body. It's fascinating.

Applebee's Invasion

So I finally attended Friday night dinner last evening. Friday night dinner always occurs at 7pm and it consists of my sister Jess, her husband Travis, my cousin Jason, and his girlfriend Heidi. I finally found out about it two or three weeks ago and was like "why have you never invited me?" And okay, I get it, sometimes fifth wheels can be awkward, but not with your sister, brother in law, and cousin. So I weaseled my way into an invite. Then I was unable to attend due to prior obligations and sickness. But I went yesterday.

The chosen location was Applebee's. We show up at 7:02 and the place is packed. Like I'm talking packed. You know those Styrofoam peanuts that come in UPS boxes? Well, there were more people in that restaurant than there were packing peanuts in the box your Great Aunt Marge sent you for Christmas. We think about turning around, but we ask the guy at the front how long of a wait will it be? He says something, and then I am all "Oh, just two hours?" But he actually said twenty minutes, which is a long time if you are hungry and didn't eat your 3:30 after school snack. We stand in the door for a while contemplating our stomachs, and then Brenden (I'm a name tag reader) says, "Actually, it's only ten." To which I'm kind of like "are you just saying that because you want us to stay?" So I check the time on my phone and tell Brenden it is 7:04. Then Heidi says, "so we expect a table by 7:14." She's pretty demanding. I would like to fully note that we waited for 18.5 minutes until we were seated, which rounded up is closer to twenty, not ten. But whatever, maybe Brenden failed math class. Most of my fourth grade students can't round either.

After we were seated, we decided to give our server hell. By hell, I mostly mean we talked a lot and asked a zillion questions, like how much the beverages cost because we're all tightwads. That's the thing I hate about restaurants. Why can't you just say how much your margarita costs? Is it a secret? I mean, it's not like the margarita is a woman who will be offended if you ask her how much she weighs. Though I was fully asked by Heidi at dinner how much I weigh. I told her if she were a more observant reader, she'd know, because I fully revealed it in my vegetarian diet post. Apparently every Friday night dinner begins with disclosure of everyone's weight, though this is anything but Weight Watchers.

I really struggled over the menu because I don't eat meat, and Applebee's took away the spinach pizza they used to have like four years ago. Which sort of leaves me with salad. I don't really go out to eat a salad. I prefer to purchase food that I am too lazy to make at home. I ended up getting mozzarella sticks and a salad, because every Friday night sort of requires greasy goodness. I would just like to fully note that Applebee's does not do half order mozzarella sticks, but Red Robin does. This is because Applebee's knows I have no self-control and can't order a full plate of mozzarella sticks and only eat half. They're trying to fatten me up so I want to return every Friday night.

Heidi ordered raspberry lemonade or ice tea or whatever. Really, she wanted pomegranate lemonade, but our server, Robert, was honest with her and told her that pomegranate tastes like used berry mouthwash. Actually, he didn't say that at all, but I could tell he was thinking it. So Heidi got raspberry. On her third glass, she promptly complained that she could not taste the raspberry flavoring. This glass was brought by the general manager. I should back up.

Partway through our meal, the general manager (Corey...not that I'm naming names) and some woman came to check on us and bring us refills and whatnot. I am fairly certain that the only reason they did this was because Robert told them how completely needy and annoying we were being. So the manager had to check and see just how bad these customers were. Our group pretended to be pleasant, and Heidi even put in the good word for Robert so maybe he could get a raise or something and finally buy that dream car he's always been wanting.

Later in the meal, my brother in law Travis spilled his Coke all down his pants because he was trying to flick a chip at Heidi and his plan went horribly wrong. So then we all had to scoot down the circular booth so that Travis could sit in a dry spot. I passed him the plastic barf bag that Applebee's provided us with prior to our meal, so he could use it as a bib. It may have actually been a bag to put your take out food in, but it was likely in case anyone ordered the pomegranate lemonade.

Early into the meal, I made a puzzled expression. My sister asked "What are you looking at?" I had that look of confusion that you get when you realize you've seen someone before, and they look familiar, but you have no idea where you've seen them. I noticed another one of the male servers working in the area, and I knew that I had seen him on several occasions, but I couldn't place it. I knew it wasn't at Applebee's, because I rarely go to Applebee's on account of how all I can order is dessert, salad, or fatty mozzarella sticks. He also didn't get close enough for me to read his name tag, so that was of no help. More on him later. But it drives me crazy when I recognize people and don't know where I've seen them before.

Part of the entertainment of the night was provided by some people Heidi knew. This couple sat at a booth that was positioned for optimal viewing. We were fascinated by this couple, because mostly the date could also qualify as a felony. The girl, whom I will refer to as "Minor", and the guy, whom I will refer to as "Old Fart" (even though he was actually my age), spent time gazing into each others eyes. I am sorry, but if you are 9 years younger than your date, and you are still in high school, that is wrong. I am a mandatory reporter, so I sort of feel like I should have called DHS or something. Part of my fascination was with their conversation. I really wish I could have eavesdropped on it. I mean, what do you talk about if you are still in high school?

I asked Heidi where Minor and Old Fart had met each other, and I found out they met at church. So like, maybe Old Fart was teaching Sunday School and Minor fell in love with him because of his flannelgraph presentation. But this whole mentioning of church totally jogged my memory and I remembered where I had seen familiar-server-guy. He goes to my church. I have seen him at church. So mystery solved. Though the name tag thing is still bugging me. I think it was like, E--ooy---w--or you know, Edwardo. But not Eduardo, which would make more sense spelling wise. My eyesight wasn't that good though, and I didn't even have on my fake glasses to give me a vision boost.

When Robert came by later to listen to our complaining, he revealed to us that his manager is a pretentious jerk...er, I mean...I could totally tell that his manager was a pretentious jerk without even asking Robert. The manager totally did not pay attention to detail. For example, when he brought Travis a new Coke to replace the one he spilled down his pants, he forgot to bring a straw. Obviously, Travis really needs a straw, or like, a sippy cup. Plus, he failed to give Heidi the shot of raspberry flavored high fructose corn syrup that she so desperately wanted.

Eventually we had to leave, because my sister had ODed on penne pasta. In fact, she named her food baby Penny. Plus, you know, Travis needed to change his diaper. We apologized for our behavior, paid, and then left the premises, at which point our server Robert said "Oh thank you Jesus." Only I left my blog card on the table, so that way he could read this post and relive everything all over again, from our perspective.

So Robert, if you're reading this, I apologize again. We had a fun time even though we were bothersome and you had a zillion other people to take care of. Also, I am totally still going to fill out that manager complaint on-line. Do they give you coupons? Because Panda Express totally gives you a coupon code every time you answer a survey about your visit.

A Veggie Diet

This post is dedicated to my cousin's girlfriend, Heidi, because she's really curious about what I eat since I'm a vegetarian. I actually do not eat a lot of vegetables, but I am trying. Please do not read this and think this is what most vegetarians eat. They probably are way different from me. And just so we can advertise everything to the entire world, I am five feet tall and I've weighed 101 pounds for the past four weeks, though usually I weigh about 108 pounds. I don't really know what happened.

I feel like this post could bring a lot of judgment, so I am going to tell you the following information: Based on the Harris-Benedict principle, my body needs 1,254 calories just to function. Adding in how much activity I do, I need 1,630 if I am being lazy about going to the gym, and I need 1,755 calories if I go to the gym about 4 times a week. I did not add up how many calories I actually ate every day because like I care or have that kind of dedication.

I posted everything I've eaten since last Sunday, but I would also like you to know that every day for lunch I packed more food than what is listed. Either I wasn't hungry enough to eat it, or I was hungry but ran out of time because teachers do not exactly get their full 30 minute lunch break. Like, ever. 

Let the judgment begin.

Sunday (This is basically the throw-away-day where I eat loads of unhealthy things)
breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar
lunch: Protein shake (1 cup skim milk, 1 banana, chocolate flavored whey protein powder, 1 tbs peanut butter). This thing has like, 700 calories, I swear. Plus I ate a few handfuls of this popcorn I got in a tin from one of my students.
snack: 3 Ritz peanut butter chocolate covered cookies that my Grandma Jo makes. They are delicious. I have a giant bag of them in the freezer.
dinner: Top Ramen with egg. I know, impressive cooking skills, right? But this dinner cost me like 14 cents.
even more dinner: Like 8 or 9 mozzarella sticks from Applebees. But they were half off the regular price! Oh goodness. I just looked up the nutritional information on-line, and those cheese sticks were 940 calories. But also had 45 grams of protein. So I should be good for like, all of Monday. I could basically fast on Monday. But I won't.
vegetables consumed: none

Monday No School! Thanks MLK.

breakfast: a bowl of Cheerios
lunch: leftover Top Ramen and a vegetarian hot dog (without the bun). Weird meal I know, but I was trying to clean out the fridge.
snack: granola bar and pear fruit cup
dinner: steamed broccoli, hard boiled egg 

Tuesday

breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar and a handful of goldfish crackers
lunch: soy chicken patty (not real meat, duh), cup of green beans and edamame, blackberry yogurt
snack: Like 3 handfuls of goldfish crackers, maybe more. I ate them during the course of an hour long meeting.
dinner: hard boiled egg, Portabella mushroom veggie patty with ketchup, banana, 2 of those delicious Ritz-PB-chocolate covered cookies

Wednesday

breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar
lunch: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, apple, strawberry yogurt
snack: string cheese, goldfish crackers
dinner: protein shake (again, like 700 calories and 42 grams of protein), carrots. I didn't get home till after nine, so I had to pack this food with me.

Thursday

breakfast: granola bar. I wanted to eat more, but I had a staff meeting I forgot about, and it started right at 8:00 am.
snack: honey roasted cashews and peanuts
lunch: Fettuccine Alfredo and broccoli Smart Ones meal, raspberry yogurt
snack: string cheese, goldfish crackers
dinner: quesadilla and Southwest Mexi mix on the side (corn, black beans, salsa, red peppers).
even later: I went to Casey's house and ate a nice big chunk of chocolate. She had one of those giant Hershey's kisses and she sliced it up. Then I ate part of it. Yum!

Friday

breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar
lunch: Southwest Mexi mix leftovers with tortilla chips
snack: 3 of Grandma's scrumptious cookies (and I've still got more in the freezer)
dinner: cherry-vanilla yogurt, cheese ravioli, pear fruit cup, Dove chocolate
even later: Some of that popcorn out of the tin my student Julio gave me.

Saturday
morning: I went to a brunch at my church, so it was kind of hard to remember everything I ate, but I think it was some grapes, a few pieces of pineapple, some orange, a muffin that had craisins in it, and a slice of this really delicious bread that sort of had like peanut butter baked into it or something, with crumbly sugar on the top. Plus black chai tea.
Chocolate Fest: A lot of chocolate samples. Like a truffle, a bit of red velvet cake, toffee, caramel, licorice, and a chocolate martini
dinner: fake chicken burger (with bun and lettuce). Fake meat is called a meat analog, in case you didn't know. My favorites are made by Morning Star.
Casey's house: her really delicious salsa and chips, carrots and hummus, some apple slices and that marshmallow/cream cheese/heath bar dip.


Now you know some of the most intimate details of my life, like how often I eat chocolate. If you are wondering why I am a vegetarian, that is another post for another time. But I've been one for nine years.

Two Thumbs Up

As a vegetarian, I do not often frequent fast food restaurants. I mean, I do like Taco Bell and enjoy a trip to Wendy's after a long day of Target shopping, but after reading Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser a few years ago, I realized how atrocious the whole operation is. I was a vegetarian back then (have been since 2002), just one whole liked to eat a whole lot of fries.

The goal for this post is not to convert you. What I want to tell you is that among all of the burger places you could eat at, Burgerville is actually a legit operation. This is partly because their food is local, hence the delicious seasonal milkshakes. They are more expensive than McDonald's, but when you eat there you are doing yourself and the earth a favor. So I actually support Burgerville.

What I mainly want to show you is my receipt from my last trip. I was in The Dalles, coming back from a weekend wedding trip. What I found on my receipt was so cool that I had to snag my sister's receipt as well. Check this out.

 It tells you the nutritional information right there. And okay, it is probably actually quite shocking to learn how many calories are in things, but I would prefer to be informed. I think every restaurant should give Nutricate receipts. People wouldn't live in ignorance.

I really like this about Burgerville. You know what else I like? When I was there I got a free blackberry milkshake, because Cesar G got confused and my sister (who ordered before me) ended up with two. He tried to give the second one to me because I look like her. He realized his mistake, but decided that since it was already made, he would just leave it with us. So I downed an additional 550 calories along with my Yukon Basil Burger, which is totally vegetarian friendly.

And okay, maybe I'll have to do some extra cardio, but at least I know. Plus, it was delicious. Also, the manager was super dedicated to his customers and cleared our food tray off the table for us, even though we were fully sitting three feet away from a garbage receptacle.

Support Burgerville.