hot body in motion

It's been at least eight days since I've been to the gym, so I force myself to put on stretchy pants and my Nikes. I get in my car and drive towards the gym, which is a bit like driving towards your own death. The entire time I'm behind the wheel, I am simultaneously shoving gummy fish into my mouth. I've got a whole bag of them sitting in the passenger seat, and they are hard to ignore. If you want me to explain to you why I've got a pound of Swedish fish in my front seat, then I'd also have to explain why I've got sidewalk chalk under my seat, masks in the glove box, and scotch tape laying on the backseat. So I'm not going to explain any of it.

Ten minutes and about 27 gummy fish later, I'm at the gym. You might say to yourself "Why don't you just skip the candy and not go to the gym?" To you I say, Why make your bed if you are just going to sleep in it that night? Why wash your hair if you're going to the beach? Why lock your front door if you have to go out it the next morning? We do these things because they make us feel better about ourselves.

Group Power is first, so I get some plates and a bench. But this isn't a restaurant. By plates, I don't mean the china, but weights. And by bench, I don't mean the kind you sit in at a park while you admire the sun shining or read the newspaper with a latte in your hand.

 I know I'm going to be feeling weak, so I only put 45 pounds* on my bar to start. This isn't the Marines. No need to try too hard. I do fine during the warm up, but then it's time for legs. The instructor advises us to double our weight, but I always take this as a bad suggestion that actually means 1.5 times your regular weight. I am a wuss and I'm not afraid to admit it. The music starts up and I heave the bar over the back of my head so that it can rest on my shoulders. Then it's time for squats and lunges.

I think squats were invented for people who have flat butts to get bigger butts, but this is the least of my worries. I've got enough booty to make a pirate jealous. And lunges? As far as I can tell, they just make your thighs bulge with muscle, which is a problem I already have. I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I have thighs like a kangaroo. Granted, I can't hop as high or balance on my tail, but these thighs o'mine are a workhorse.

For some reason, when the track is finished, I am out of breath and mostly feel like collapsing on the ground. This is what happens when you don't exercise for a week. But my least favorite track is the bicep track. Bicep work is always very difficult for me, because I have weak wrists. I feel like my wrists are doing all the work, not my arm muscles. Because of this, I have very fit wrists. They are super tiny, which makes it impossible to find bracelets that don't slip off. Unless they are Hello Kitty bracelets, because children's jewelry usually works.

Fifty-five minutes later, Group Power is over, but do I go home and faint on the couch? No. I stay for kickboxing, because it's my favorite class. Plus, you know, I'm a bad ass. Whenever I am in Group Kick, I pretend like I am Alex training in the Division compound, or Sydney Bristow training at The Farm, or maybe even I'm a Ninja Turtle practicing in the sewer.

I really enjoy the moves for the most part, but there is one particular move that I find uncomfortable: scissors. All you do is criss cross your legs back and forth, but I've found that all this jumping causes my brain to hurt. Like, my brain isn't strapped tightly enough into my head and it just kind of shakes around in there while I'm jumping around, and it gives me a headache. I once had a stuffed kitten with a similar problem. It had a special ball in it's head to make it sound like it was purring when you pet it, but after having the stuffed animal for a few years and dragging it all over the place, I think the ball kind of loosened up, because GreyFeather started to sound more like a baby rattle than a purring cat. But I digress.

I throw punches and kicks and do jumps that would clear a stack of encyclopedias,** but thank the Lord when we are two tracks away from finishing. We've just got to do our ab track and the stretching track.

 "Does Tracy usually make you do a victory lap?" Our substitute instructor asks before we get our mats.

"Is that what you call it?" I think. Because I call it the Lap of Torture. But I suck it up and jog around the gym twice, which is much like jogging around the entire city perimeter, except that you probably won't get mugged, but there's no 7-Eleven to stop at and get a Slurpee either.

After the dreaded lap, I lay down on the undoubtedly germ-drenched mat to torture my abdominals into submission. It's not much fun, but it's better than doing scissors or bicep curls. I actually have a pretty good set of abs, but you wouldn't know it by my ability to do a full sit-up. You might be able to catch a glimpse of my muscles when I do laundry though. When my washing machine breaks down, I just use the washboard called my stomach to scrub those clothes clean.

*So I exaggerated a bit. I only put 15 pounds on my bar to start.
**a stack of two. Let's not get crazy.

I accidentally ate meatballs instead of wheatballs

If you like to stalk people and know every intimate detail of their life, you're gonna like this post. It's all about food that I eat. Exhilarating topic, right? 

You probably know I'm a vegetarian. If this is news to you, I don't know what moss covered rock you've been sleeping under. It's not like I write strongly worded vegetarian posts, or rag on people about their meat consumption, but I know I've mentioned my stance a time or two. If you want to eat a hamburger in front of me, that's fine. Just don't expect me to grill you one. The title of this post is a complete and utter lie, and was meant for shock value to those close to me (did you believe it?)

Right now I want to give mad props to 8th Continent light vanilla soy milk. I've never been much of a milk drinker, mostly because I don't like how it tastes. I used to buy milk in the smallest quantities and only pour it on cereal or use it when baking. Chocolate fiend that I am, milk is not its necessary match. Several weeks ago, I picked up a carton of soy milk on a whim. I think they were out of skim. I selected 8th Continent Light Vanilla soy milk, and I don't think I can ever go back. This stuff actually tastes good. I've had soy milk before and thought it was a bit strange, but I'm tellin' ya, the Greek gods drank this stuff on Mount Olympus. Right along with their gold wrapped Ferrero Rocher chocolates. It makes my cereal delicious. Try it. Even if you have previously hated soy milk. Give the udders of a cow a break.

My favorite part about being a vegetarian is listening to people tell me all the ways I might get sick or die.

People are always harping on me about how they don't think I eat enough protein.  Next time someone tells me this, I'm going to ask them how many grams of protein they think they should eat daily. Do they even know? According to my incredibly reliable internet research and multiple cross checking, I have found that for a person of my size, I should be consuming 35 to 60 grams of protein daily depending on activity level. And okay, I did some math and I average about 32 grams of protein per day. So I could probably stand to have a bit more.

Normally I'm a Morning Star person, not a Boca person

I know exactly where the problem lies: breakfast. Call me a Quaker and get me a funny hat, because I love oatmeal. I can eat it six days a week and be happy. But oatmeal only has about five grams of protein per serving. For about a month I tried to do protein shakes for breakfast every morning, but I really missed my oatmeal and relapsed. I think my problem was that I went all or nothing. I've devised a new breakfast plan due to my discovery of Boca brand bruschetta tomato basil parmesan veggie patties. They are quite tasty. What I'm trying is one of the patties, a scrambled egg, and a bit or red bell pepper to add a kick. Combined, this is 19 grams of protein. I cooked the eggs and prepared dishes for two days in advance, because I absolutely cannot be bothered to wake up early enough to make breakfast. A 50 second zap in the microwave is all I've got time for. So now you can quit telling me Ima 'bout to die.

P.S. I Googled it and recipes for vegetarian "wheatballs" actually exist. It's not something I plan on making any time soon. Or ever, really--unless the No Meat Athlete invites me over to cook. 

In Defense of Beans

As a vegetarian, I probably eat more beans that the average white American. American's love to make jokes about how Mexican food makes you fart, and how if you eat any amount of beans your are just going to become one gassy balloon ready to pop. I plan on eating even more legumes as usual because I am currently utterly fascinated by Timothy Ferriss' diet in his new book, The Four Hour Body.

 I basically just want to let you in on two pieces of information that you may or may not already know.

The reason that you are gassy after eating beans is because of the high amount of raffinose sugars that are hard for humans to digest. So if you eat canned beans (as I do, because I am too lazy to soak and cook my own), then rinse them off in cold water. This gets rid of the bubbly sugar junk, and also decreases the amount of sodium you consume. I rinse my beans off in this cute little Martha Stewart brand turquoise colander that my mother bought me for Christmas. It works perfectly. And you know, the purchase of it helped benefit Martha's post-prison life. So now she doesn't have to hammer out license plates and put cute designs in them with her craft punches.

 A note on gas producing sugars: raffinose, fructose, lactose, and sorbitol are the four to know about. If you want a simple article to read that talks more about different foods that have these sugars, read this. Or you know, Google something.  

Research has also shown that the digestive system can adapt to the consumption of beans if you eat them frequently. People who eat beans often fart less than those people who rarely eat beans. You might think to yourself "I don't want to be a gas filled fuel tank, I better not eat beans often." But really, if you just eat beans regularly, you're body will adjust and you will be fine, no Beano needed.

So my advice to you:
Rinse those beans and eat them frequently. And lay off the bean jokes. Also, read The Four Hour Body. It's fascinating.

A Veggie Diet

This post is dedicated to my cousin's girlfriend, Heidi, because she's really curious about what I eat since I'm a vegetarian. I actually do not eat a lot of vegetables, but I am trying. Please do not read this and think this is what most vegetarians eat. They probably are way different from me. And just so we can advertise everything to the entire world, I am five feet tall and I've weighed 101 pounds for the past four weeks, though usually I weigh about 108 pounds. I don't really know what happened.

I feel like this post could bring a lot of judgment, so I am going to tell you the following information: Based on the Harris-Benedict principle, my body needs 1,254 calories just to function. Adding in how much activity I do, I need 1,630 if I am being lazy about going to the gym, and I need 1,755 calories if I go to the gym about 4 times a week. I did not add up how many calories I actually ate every day because like I care or have that kind of dedication.

I posted everything I've eaten since last Sunday, but I would also like you to know that every day for lunch I packed more food than what is listed. Either I wasn't hungry enough to eat it, or I was hungry but ran out of time because teachers do not exactly get their full 30 minute lunch break. Like, ever. 

Let the judgment begin.

Sunday (This is basically the throw-away-day where I eat loads of unhealthy things)
breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar
lunch: Protein shake (1 cup skim milk, 1 banana, chocolate flavored whey protein powder, 1 tbs peanut butter). This thing has like, 700 calories, I swear. Plus I ate a few handfuls of this popcorn I got in a tin from one of my students.
snack: 3 Ritz peanut butter chocolate covered cookies that my Grandma Jo makes. They are delicious. I have a giant bag of them in the freezer.
dinner: Top Ramen with egg. I know, impressive cooking skills, right? But this dinner cost me like 14 cents.
even more dinner: Like 8 or 9 mozzarella sticks from Applebees. But they were half off the regular price! Oh goodness. I just looked up the nutritional information on-line, and those cheese sticks were 940 calories. But also had 45 grams of protein. So I should be good for like, all of Monday. I could basically fast on Monday. But I won't.
vegetables consumed: none

Monday No School! Thanks MLK.

breakfast: a bowl of Cheerios
lunch: leftover Top Ramen and a vegetarian hot dog (without the bun). Weird meal I know, but I was trying to clean out the fridge.
snack: granola bar and pear fruit cup
dinner: steamed broccoli, hard boiled egg 

Tuesday

breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar and a handful of goldfish crackers
lunch: soy chicken patty (not real meat, duh), cup of green beans and edamame, blackberry yogurt
snack: Like 3 handfuls of goldfish crackers, maybe more. I ate them during the course of an hour long meeting.
dinner: hard boiled egg, Portabella mushroom veggie patty with ketchup, banana, 2 of those delicious Ritz-PB-chocolate covered cookies

Wednesday

breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar
lunch: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, apple, strawberry yogurt
snack: string cheese, goldfish crackers
dinner: protein shake (again, like 700 calories and 42 grams of protein), carrots. I didn't get home till after nine, so I had to pack this food with me.

Thursday

breakfast: granola bar. I wanted to eat more, but I had a staff meeting I forgot about, and it started right at 8:00 am.
snack: honey roasted cashews and peanuts
lunch: Fettuccine Alfredo and broccoli Smart Ones meal, raspberry yogurt
snack: string cheese, goldfish crackers
dinner: quesadilla and Southwest Mexi mix on the side (corn, black beans, salsa, red peppers).
even later: I went to Casey's house and ate a nice big chunk of chocolate. She had one of those giant Hershey's kisses and she sliced it up. Then I ate part of it. Yum!

Friday

breakfast: apple cinnamon flavored oatmeal
snack: chocolate chip granola bar
lunch: Southwest Mexi mix leftovers with tortilla chips
snack: 3 of Grandma's scrumptious cookies (and I've still got more in the freezer)
dinner: cherry-vanilla yogurt, cheese ravioli, pear fruit cup, Dove chocolate
even later: Some of that popcorn out of the tin my student Julio gave me.

Saturday
morning: I went to a brunch at my church, so it was kind of hard to remember everything I ate, but I think it was some grapes, a few pieces of pineapple, some orange, a muffin that had craisins in it, and a slice of this really delicious bread that sort of had like peanut butter baked into it or something, with crumbly sugar on the top. Plus black chai tea.
Chocolate Fest: A lot of chocolate samples. Like a truffle, a bit of red velvet cake, toffee, caramel, licorice, and a chocolate martini
dinner: fake chicken burger (with bun and lettuce). Fake meat is called a meat analog, in case you didn't know. My favorites are made by Morning Star.
Casey's house: her really delicious salsa and chips, carrots and hummus, some apple slices and that marshmallow/cream cheese/heath bar dip.


Now you know some of the most intimate details of my life, like how often I eat chocolate. If you are wondering why I am a vegetarian, that is another post for another time. But I've been one for nine years.

Two Thumbs Up

As a vegetarian, I do not often frequent fast food restaurants. I mean, I do like Taco Bell and enjoy a trip to Wendy's after a long day of Target shopping, but after reading Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser a few years ago, I realized how atrocious the whole operation is. I was a vegetarian back then (have been since 2002), just one whole liked to eat a whole lot of fries.

The goal for this post is not to convert you. What I want to tell you is that among all of the burger places you could eat at, Burgerville is actually a legit operation. This is partly because their food is local, hence the delicious seasonal milkshakes. They are more expensive than McDonald's, but when you eat there you are doing yourself and the earth a favor. So I actually support Burgerville.

What I mainly want to show you is my receipt from my last trip. I was in The Dalles, coming back from a weekend wedding trip. What I found on my receipt was so cool that I had to snag my sister's receipt as well. Check this out.

 It tells you the nutritional information right there. And okay, it is probably actually quite shocking to learn how many calories are in things, but I would prefer to be informed. I think every restaurant should give Nutricate receipts. People wouldn't live in ignorance.

I really like this about Burgerville. You know what else I like? When I was there I got a free blackberry milkshake, because Cesar G got confused and my sister (who ordered before me) ended up with two. He tried to give the second one to me because I look like her. He realized his mistake, but decided that since it was already made, he would just leave it with us. So I downed an additional 550 calories along with my Yukon Basil Burger, which is totally vegetarian friendly.

And okay, maybe I'll have to do some extra cardio, but at least I know. Plus, it was delicious. Also, the manager was super dedicated to his customers and cleared our food tray off the table for us, even though we were fully sitting three feet away from a garbage receptacle.

Support Burgerville.

Saturday Binge

Tomorrow I am eating anything I want. Specifically, french toast for breakfast, pizza for lunch, possibly fried rice for dinner, and some Ben and Jerry's fish food ice cream if I can get my hands on some. It's all part of my new diet. No, really.

My roommate Natalie and I are embarking on a journey to "get cut." Haha, the old me would think, because I eat chocolate and bread everyday of the week. As part of our high protein plan, the sugar and white carbs really needed to go. I'll be honest, I basically ate pasta every day for lunch. And not the home made kind, the frozen box kind with high sodium.

I know for sure Natalie is lifting and pressing and squatting more than me at this point, and we are taking a similar but varied approach in eating. Like, she forced me to buy and eat cottage cheese. Okay. So I lie. She totally didn't. She showed me how much protein was in it, and since I had no idea what I was going to be eating for breakfast on this plan of no bagels or cereal, I had to do something. I bought some and made myself eat it. Boy, I tell you, it worked. I ate it every morning for breakfast, and it really curbed my need for a morning snack. I'm not sure if this is because of the high protein, or because I was still feeling nauseous from swallowing the stuff down at such an early hour. I'm trying the same thing again next week, only I'm going to pretend like I like it.

I am semi-mostly following the diet plan of lifestyle design god Tim Ferris, who has a blog which he so cleverly titled The Blog of Tim Ferriss. For the nitty gritty details, you can read his meal plan post. And here is a link to all his body related posts. In short summary, this is what I am forcing myself to eat:

Instead of yogurt and a bagel for breakfast, cottage cheese and a bit of fruit.
Instead of a granola bar for a morning snack (which, btw, had more sugar than a rice crispy treat), some peanut butter.
Instead of yogurt, a fruit cup and a frozen microwaveable dinner compliments of Smart Ones, I am actually packing vegetables in my lunch, eating a lot of black beans and soy products, and mozzarella cheese.
Also, a lot of eggs.

In short, torture, really. No chocolate. No sugar. Blah. No really. Like, it hurts. Like, I stare into my cupboard and think "What the %&#@ am I going to eat?"

But there's this catch. You get to eat whatever you want on one day. It actually is supposed to trick your metabolism or whatever. Who knows if it really works. But I figured I'd try it for a month.

So you know, I'll let you know if I get ripped.