Lies from my mother revealed

It's tough when you find out the real truth eleven months later from your own mother. To think, this whole time I have been believing falsehoods. And I'm not talking about the existence of Santa Claus--he is to real. I am talking about that dumb book, How to Date Men.

 I told you before that my mom got it for me as a Christmas gift, and that I was offended. That post is here. And then I told you about how you should eat a lot of food on your first date, because appetites are sexy. That was here. This is the third post on the topic of How to Date Men, and I'm about to blow your mind.

Last Saturday, I was sitting with my mom for 4 hours while I helped her at her booth selling jewelry at an indoor Saturday market. We had a lot of time to chat. During our conversation, I interviewed her and learned some shocking things. I will share that information with you later this week.

So I am sitting there, writing doughnut chants on a piece of notebook paper, when my mom asks me what I want for my birthday, because she says I'm not getting a GPS. This means she really did read that post, though it did not work out the way I had hoped. I will just continue getting lost and having to ask creepy men for directions when I end up out in the middle of no-where, that's all mom. Don't even worry about it. When I go missing for two days and you haven't heard from me, it'll be because my phone died and I had no GPS, so I got lost and ended up in Nevada even though I was trying to get to Washington, that's all. But don't worry mom, some of the men I've asked for directions have even offered to drive me there. In their white van--which doesn't have any windows.

As I am sitting there thinking of what else I might desire as a birthday gift, my mom says "and there's a book I want to buy back from you."

"Huh?" I say.

And then she explains. She read my blog post on How to Date Men, and she didn't realize that I thought she was serious. She meant the book as a joke. She meant for me to take it back to Border's and exchange it, which I vaguely remember her saying, since she gave me the gift receipt for all four of the books she had purchased for me. But she doesn't understand...me returning a book is like a mother sending her baby back to the hospital because she doesn't want it. And okay, so it was a dumb book, but mothers have dumb babies and they still keep them. (I hope you're not offended that I insulted the intelligence of infants. I love babies, even if they are not geniuses).

I say to my mom "WHAT?" Because here, all this time, for the past eleven months, I have been thinking that she thought I needed serious advice on how to date men, as if that would fix the problem. As if reading chapter 9, He Likes Scented Candles (He Just Won't Admit it), would make me into a more date-able person.

"Yeah," my mother says, "I just picked it up because I thought it was so ridiculous that someone could make money off of being a matchmaker."

Well, geez, mom. Thanks for making that so clear last Christmas. And okay, so Janis Spindel is America's top matchmaker (or so she boasts on her book cover). People probably do need her advice. I am sure there are plenty of women who need to know that men like scented candles but just won't admit it. I bet chapter nine changed their lives.

You just don't give dating books to single people as a joke. They won't think it's funny. And when they read chapter 13 Can You Love Him as Much as Your Poodle?: Moving in Together, all they are going to think is "what the hell?" Because mom, you know I don't have a dog, and I am shocked that you would give me a book encouraging co-habitation before marriage. You made Travis sleep in the other room on the floor that Christmas Eve before he married Jess.

So there we are, sitting at the table at Saturday market, and my mother is explaining to me that I misunderstood her intentions. She is sorry and wants to buy the book back from me. At this point its worth is about seventy dollars.

"No," I say. "I want to keep it now that I've started a blog feature on it. It provides me with good material."

Essentially, that was the end of it. But as soon as my mom told me, I knew I had to tell you, because it changes everything, including my self-esteem. What I'm wondering is, are there any other people who were given a gift they didn't know was meant as a joke? How did you respond and what did you think? Did the person who pulled this on you birth you from her own womb?




P.S. Mom, I love, love, love you. And no hard feelings. I'm just glad you finally shared the truth with me. I think it made for a good post. But next time, just get me a Barnes and Noble gift card.