I might be able to keep my mouth shut, but I can't keep my fingers off the keyboard

This didn't turn out the way that I expected. But then again, when did anything? I contemplated not writing this at all because of the outcome, then I wrote it and contemplated not posting it, but I thought about it some more and figured God deserved it. I want to show you how awesome he is, even if I haven't a clue where this is headed.

If you haven't read the post about how I resigned from my job as a teacher, maybe you should. It's right here. But here's the secret. Here's the thing I've been keeping my mouth shut about since April: there was another reason I had to quit my job. Instantly you think I'm going to birth a child. Not so. This isn't an article in Entertainment Weekly.

I am warning you right now that this is an extremely long entry, because my life from March to July was a lot more intensive than I let on. I hope you have enough stamina to read every paragraph and make it to the end. If you are really impatient then just read the orange paragraphs. There were parts of this story that I never told my mother, my sister, or my best friend. But everyone can know now.

The Further Explanation

Friends, I had to walk away from my job because the sacrifice had to be greater. I had to quit my job in order to do the job I wanted to do. My God asked me to. Let me explain the first part.

I knew that I couldn't do my job again next year. Was I meant to be a teacher? Probably. Was I meant to teach the way that the school district set it up? Absolutely not. While I have a heart for kids and for education, I couldn't do it the way that I had been doing for the past three years, because about 80% of it just seemed wrong to me. I won't get into that 80% here, but if you want to talk to me, I could probably blab to you for about five hours. So you know I wanted out.

Unless you live in the same city as me, you probably don't know the extent of the budget cuts the school district is facing for the upcoming school year. About 248 teachers got laid off. I knew the situation was serious, so I started praying for what most people never pray for: "Lord, let one of them be me. Please have me get laid off." My reasoning? I could walk away without being a quitter. I would collect unemployment.

I was three years into the teaching system, so the chances of losing my job were slim yet still possible. For the first three years that you are a teacher, you are on what's called a probationary contract. Basically that just means it's easier for you to get cut or let go. After year three you are pretty much golden, as you go to a permanent contract. I kept praying that I would get laid off. Then the day came when my principal thought he was bringing me good news. He told me that I had missed the cut mark by two days, meaning, I was hired on August 26th, 2008. People who were hired two days later on August 28th, 2008 lost their jobs. A second grade teacher in our building was one of them. Is this system of losing/keeping your job wrong? Basically. But that's not what we're talking about right now.

There I was, safe. After June ended, I would be considered a permanent employee. Job security. Health insurance. PERS. Paid sick days. Summers off. It sounds great to a lot of people. "Benefits" can be deceiving. None of it was worth it to me. Not for this job. What good is a summer off if you spend most of it trying to rehabilitate your brain, body, and soul from the damage it endured for the ten months prior?

The point is, I walked away from it. God made me choose. I wanted him to decide for me. I wanted him to say "you don't have to do this again, Joelle. You're laid off. You can't. Here's your unemployment check." But that's not what God did. He let me decide. He made me choose.

I had to either decide to keep my job and hope for lottery like odds that I'd enjoy round four, or I had to have the courage to tell my principal that I was finished. I hate to disappoint people. That conversation alone was going to make me bawl my eyes out. I would have to trust that God would take care of me, even if I received no unemployment check. I chose the latter, because the sacrifice had to be greater. I knew God was testing my trust in him.

But wait, there's something else I'm not telling you. Something else that I kept to myself during April, May, and June. I didn't tell my mother, my sister, my best friend, anybody. It was because I was having a battle in my heart and wanted to tell God NO to what he was asking of me.

What was he asking me to do? Give it all up. Surrender everything. I was sitting there on my bed with a notebook, writing out "Design a Dream Job," thinking of all the great things I could/should do. What's your biggest dream? my head asked. Be a successful published author and have enough money that I can afford to teach for free, my way. Immediately I hear, "Then why aren't you doing it now?"

Good point. If I wanted to truly write, I would be doing it. If I wanted to teach for free so that I can love on kids and give them a quality education like I envision, I could. Why aren't I doing it now? And okay, so I haven't exactly sold a novel quite yet. But I should be. Teaching was never my number one career aspiration. It was my second love, my second calling, and something that seemed safer and more stable than trying to make a living off of writing. Teaching was always plan B, and writing was plan A.

There I was, sitting at home with a notebook pad, knowing exactly what I had to do. It all came together in about ten seconds, and it was far from comforting. I needed to resign from my job at the elementary school, and then turn around and ask for it back in a different way. I could see it all. Me. Ten students who are two years or more below grade level. Teaching for free. Actually getting to teach and make a difference, because I had ten minds to mold, not thirty. I could actually build relationships with them and form a community, not a mob. Best of all, since I wasn't a contracted state employee, I could bring my God into it. I had very much learned that God was and is the only thing that can change the futures of the population I work with. Everything is so broken and so twisted and they are only nine years old. I wanted them to know the One who loved them unconditionally.

Teaching for free would give me more time to focus on my writing, because I wouldn't be camped out at school for twelve hours a day. Ten students seemed so much more manageable. A joy, even.

How would you survive? That's your biggest question. How would you live if you don't get a paycheck for at least ten more months? That's why this was a trust fall, people. I have some money I've diligently saved up for grad school, and I planned on exhausting that in order to live the dream. Plus, you know, God might send me a big check in the mail or something. Or rain down manna for me to eat.

My biggest fear was that question. If I told my family, they would say "How would you survive?" If I told my friends, they would say "How would you pay your bills?" So I kept it to myself and told God we'll just see where this all goes. No reason to freak people out unnecessarily.

Please keep in mind that I am not telling you this story because I want you to be impressed with my plan to sacrifice a year's worth of pay and teach for free. You're probably not impressed though, you think I'm insane. Which is fine. But please know, I am no martyr, no savior, no saint. That was the other reason I didn't want to tell people. I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to be this amazing missionary in the ghetto of the city. I don't want you to look at me, I want you to look at my God. I am weak and I am selfish and I do anything to get out of pain. This story's not over yet.

Teach for free. That was the bottom line. Go back to the place where I had become broken and embrace it with love and joy and passion. No thanks, God. I think I'll pass. That was April.

May was a very exciting time for me because it meant that I could actually start applying to new jobs. I found a position to be a grant writer for a non-profit organization. I applied with hope.

On May 27th, 2011, this is what I wrote in my journal:

I know that God has just been toughening me up for the next battle, because he will ask me to give up more than I'm comfortable with...I say "God, why do you ask this of me?" Because I don't want to. But I want to do what is right, and it's like I don't even have a choice.


I might as well surrender now. Then everything that was meant to happen can just happen already, without any more delay.
A long wait later, I was invited to an interview for the grant writing job. My whole thinking was, if I get this job then I know God doesn't really want me to teach for free. So my conversation with the Creator of the Universe was still, "No God, please don't ask this of me."

I went into the interview, smoked it like a sausage, and left feeling like I had a good shot at being offered the position. But in the pit of my stomach it just didn't feel right. I a little bit found myself hoping I wouldn't get the job, because I was selfish for my hard-earned summer break.

When I learned that I did not get the position, my conversation with the Lord turned to "Fine, God, fine." If he really wanted me to teach for free, I would do it, because it was the right thing to do. I try really hard to do the right thing, even if it hurts.

School got out June 17th, and I secretly packed up all my personal classroom materials and hauled them to my house. It's not easy sneaking out four bookcases, seven boxes of books, and other teaching paraphernalia out of a classroom without anybody noticing. When I got it all into my spare room at home, I felt relieved for about a millisecond. Then I shut the door and didn't look at it again because I felt like work had literally followed me home for the summer.

During my first few days of vacation, I felt incredibly joyful, peaceful, and refreshed. It was over. I didn't have to go back. It was then that I started thinking about what it could be like to teach ten kids for free. We'd have our own little classroom, because two positions got cut from the school, resulting in empty space. We'd become a community, have team builders, and work hard to catch up to grade level. With only ten sets of parents, I'd be able to keep close communication with them. Their child would not be forgotten. They would know that they are incredibly wanted, because I picked them to be in my class. All my ideas got really exciting. "Fine, God, Fine" turned into "I hope I can convince my principal to let me do this." I actually wanted to start eating Top Ramen for dinner every night.

I prayed a lot. I needed bravery. I needed peace. Finally I arranged for a meeting with my principal. I'm pretty sure he thought it was because I was going to resign. I kept that news short. I handed in my official letter of resignation, then told him that was not what I was here to talk about.

I told him what I wanted to do, how I wanted below-grade-level students in a small, focused classroom. How I wanted to do it for free. I was ready for the question "How can you do this? How will you survive?" or "I appreciate your heart, Joelle, but I cannot let you do this to yourself." My prepared answer would have been "I trust my God more than I trust you." But it was never asked. Maybe my principal thought I had a sugar daddy to pay all my bills. I don't. Maybe he thought I was a trust fund baby. I'm not. I had not won the lottery, been given an inheritance, or any other thing that would leave me carefree about monthly bills. Yes, I had carefully saved my money, and I thought I could stretch it out. That was all. I was trusting God.

My principal was supportive of the idea, but said he needed to talk to HR because of the nature of the work. Teaching is very confidential, as we are privy to student files, medical records, family information, and all that jazz. I'm not going to go into all the details of what my principal and I discussed, but he was on my side and said he'd get back to me.

I left the building feeling relieved that I had finally done it. It was totally up to God now; I had done my part.

Three days later I was told that I could not teach ten kids in my own classroom for free. I could volunteer in the classroom with another teacher if I wanted, but students could not be assigned to me for an entire day, since I wouldn't actually be an employee. Technicalities. I was mad about it, but I accepted it.


In some ways this answer was both better and worse. It was better because I wouldn't have to teach for free and maybe could actually get paid to do something. That would be nice; thanks for understanding, God. It was worse because I was left with NO IDEA as to how to proceed. What now, God? I don't know the plan. It's one thing to not be earning a paycheck but be teaching children everyday, it's a completely other thing to not be earning a paycheck and be sitting on your couch all day watching Lost re-runs. I'd be lying if I told you I don't care what people think.

I never want people to think that I am a bum, that I don't work hard, that I am lazy or have given up. But I don't know where it goes from here. Not knowing is almost more unsettling than being told to give up a year's worth of pay.

You might think "God did not really want Joelle to teach for free, that's nuts." I am absolutely certain that God wanted me to decide. I HAD to ask to teach for free, and I HAD to mean it in my heart, because that is what God was asking me. Maybe it was a trust test. Maybe it's still gonna happen. I could get a phone call tomorrow from the superintendent telling me it's a yes and that I'd better start setting up my classroom.

The main reason I am posting this entry is because I want to boast in the Lord. I want you to remember this piece of my life, so that when God works his miracles, you will see how far it all came from. I have absolutely no idea where my life is going now, but I am certain that it is going to be good. God is going to bless me up the whazoo, I am going to trust in him even if I end up in a cardboard box, and I will be so filled with new-found joy. My God loves me and he's going to take care of me forever. 

Right now I've got  Isaiah 43:1-7  posted in my room. 

Love you and thanks for reading,

Joelle

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