Adventures with Gram

For some reason the draft of this post got forgotten about, and I am just now publishing it. It was from the first part of April, so whoops. But I swear to you, you're gonna love this.

My cousin Grace and I went to visit our Gram during spring break last month. I came back two pounds heavier because of all the food she made me eat, but my abs were also sore due to the side-splitting laughter that ensued every fifteen minutes. I've documented some of the conversations for your entertainment. 


While looking at some of the little rocks Gram keeps in a fancy dish on the table
Grace: Hey Gramma, I remembered to bring you a hand lens (to look at rocks with).
Gram: Oh you did! Then I will share my dental picks with you.
Grace and I look at Gram and pause. Because you know,when someone offers to share their dental hygiene materials with you, there's not a lot you can say.
Gram: They're for cleaning rocks.
Oh, it all makes sense now. Sort of.

The first night that Grace and I were there, we made a list of all the things we wanted to do during our stay. Authentic rock-hounding was out of the picture, as the weather was still way too wet. We didn't want Gram's Jeep to get stuck in the mud while we were off-roading, because Leon (Gram's hubby) already said he wouldn't come save us.
Gram: Okay, well let's see. We can climb Smith Rock.
I add it to the list because I am the record keeper.
Gram: And did you girls want to go see Great Grandpa Pitman?
Grace: Yes.
I add it to the list.
Gram: We could go to the Prineville Forestry Center. They have a real nice case of rocks...
Grace and I lift our eyebrows at each other.
Me: That we could steal?
Gram: Heavens no! To look at!
Me: Good point. I left most of my disguises at home.

My 70 year old grandmother kicked my butt hiking up. She'd climb Smith Rock every day if she had someone to go with her, which is the exact reason I limited my stay to three days.

Here's Gram, Grace, and me in front of Monkey Face. I swear my legs are not as short as they look. It's because our photographer was standing on a hill. I am fully five feet tall.

Later, as we were driving back from our long day at Smith Rock, Gram (who is driving) turns to me and says, "I want you girls to sign the back of our parking pass so I can keep the memento with my box of grandchild adventures." She points to the parking pass that is placed on my side of the dash. I try to reach it but can't since my arms are too short and I'm still buckled up. I figure I'll grab the slip when we park. Gram is at the wheel and she is too impatient for me. While driving, she reaches over towards me, starts to unbuckle herself and says "Oh here, let me get it." I make a terrified expression because at the very beginning of the day Gram told me and Grace that she wasn't going to talk to us very much because she needed to concentrate on her driving (which was true). A second later Gram bursts into laughter and says "Haha! Gotchyou!" She was playing a trick on me. "You should have seen your face! You really thought I was going to do that!" Grace, who is in the back seat, starts to chuckle, and I laugh a bit as well, but part of me still thinks she was seriously going to unbuckle herself while driving and reach for the paper. I think that once she saw my face she just passed it off as a joke. I'm not really sure. But she about died laughing, which caused a bit of swervature in her driving anyway. Good thing we were on the gravel road near her house.

The second day we drove into Prineville. On our way there, Gram points down a remote road. It looks like the sort of place you might go to try a shortcut, but you'll end up thirsty and dying in the desert while rattlesnakes and scorpions poison you instead.
Gram: Did you know Facebook moved out here to the tulies?
Grace is in the front seat and she turns to look at me. We both are surprised because why would Gram know about Facebook? And why in the world would they move to the middle of no-where central Oregon? Surely Gram must not know what she's talking about. Grace plays it off carefully to test Gram's knowledge.
Grace: What's Facebook?
Gram: (peels of laughter plus a snort) Facebook! Surely you girls know what Facebook is!
Grace: But I thought they were located in California. Why would they move here?
Gram: Cheap land? I don't know. But I guess all the people who work there are hip city people who live in Portland and commute.
Me: They drive three hours to work everyday? And then go home?
Gram: I think they stay in a hotel during the week and then go home on the weekends. They're city people, you know? It's hard for them to be out here.
Grace and I ponder a bit more and discuss, but neither one of us really believes the Facebook is moving out to the boondocks.

We got to the pioneer museum, which is located inside an old bank building. I kid you not, on the front of the museum door is a blue flier that reads "Welcome Facebook!" So it has to be true. Grandma is a lot more up-to-date with the world than I thought.

We looked at all of the old-timey stuff that the museum had. When we got upstairs, there was a medical room. It had really terrifying things like a metal cervical dilator. Basically, the medical room supplied all the props needed to film a horror movie targeted at women.

Sorry the picture is blurry, but I was shaking with fear.

This is a vaginal spectrum AKA the most horrifying thing you could ever imagine! Also, another reason to keep your legs clamped shut.

We later went back downstairs and broke into the vault, but the money was already gone.


We stopped at a gas station and Gram bought Grace and me Megabucks tickets. She said that we had to win so that we could take care of her in her old age. After that we had to stop at Safeway for a few things, and Gram backed her Jeep up into a parking spot. Grace and I didn't have to get out to know the vehicle was straddling the white line and hogging two spaces. "Uh, Gram, do you think maybe you should try that again?" But what she does is kind of chuckle and say, "Oh, if they just get a look at me they'll understand!" So what Grace and I do is sort of walk out of the parking lot real fast so that no one can see which vehicle we came from.

Grace captured the evidence on camera.

Later we went to visit my great-grandpa, who is 92 years old. He lives with his wife in a manufactured home community for old people. All the curbs along the sidewalks are sloping, so that way the old people can get their walkers and wheelchairs up easily. It also means it's a lot easier for a car to drive up onto the sidewalk by accident. But it's not like that happened.

As we were pulling into his driveway, my grandma was telling me how a lot of the  land adjacent to his property used to just be barren fields, and my great-grandpa liked to go out with his rifle and shoot rock chucks for sport. I told her that I remembered when it was like that, because my family had visited Grandpa Pitman when he first moved to central Oregon. Gram continued, "Then the housing development came in and spoiled his fun. Now he has to be sneaky and shoot rock chucks out the bathroom window."

This is what a rock chuck looks like. Before Gramps gets to it.

We visited with my Great-Gramps, who was of course wearing his favorite purple western style shirt with black suspenders. I thought I had a picture of it, but I guess not.

This photo is from his birthday two years ago, but I'm pretty sure those are the same suspenders he always wears. That's my Gram (his daughter) standing next to him.

We hugged Grandpa Pitman good-bye and went home to Gram's house. On the way, Gram told us how she worried about Grandpa, because he still thinks he can do whatever he wants. For example, at 92 years old, he recently climbed a ladder to trim a branch of a tree, even though Gram said she'd do it for him. He likes to be independent though. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself.

Our last adventure was driving up to the reservoir so we could dig for rocks. Unfortunately, we didn't find much because the water was up so high. All I ended up finding were two action figures who had their faces buried in the dirt. I rescued them and brought them home. I am pretty sure one of them was meant to be Hulk Hogan. Since we didn't get to go bonafied rock-hounding during spring break, I am hoping to get back over there sometime this summer so that I can spend more time with Gram and dig for precious rocks.