Good Wife/Bad Wife

It's quite debatable whether or not I'm suitable for marriage, though the usefulness of man has recently become apparent to me through observations of my brother-in-law, cousin, and my friend Leslie's husband. More on them in section two.

This post is going to be divided up into three sections:
*Why I would be a bad wife
*The usefulness of man
*Why I would be a good wife

Why I would be a bad wife

Point 1
I buy what I like

Well readers, you know how just prior to spring break I posted all those photos of my house and gave you a home tour? After that I decided to make some domestic improvements, and on the second to last day of break I went out and dropped a wad of Jacksons on a new vacuum, living room rug, and pillows. Here are pictures.

This rug doesn't shed like the white wool one I had from Ikea.

I think these pillows are darling.

I really love my new rug and pillows. I mean, the old ones were okay, but I love these ones. I think it's important to own things you really love and to get rid of what you don't like. Anyway, so after coming home and unloading the goods, I thought to myself "boy, it's a good thing I'm not married or else my husband would be mad at me right now for spending all that money." I felt guilty for a bit. Then I realized if I were married, that means I would have had a bridal shower/wedding presents, and I wouldn't have had to buy all this stuff myself, because I fully would've registered for all of it. So my imaginary husband couldn't be mad at me.

Point 2
I suck at doing laundry

About two weeks ago my friend Natalie was over when I was doing laundry, and I made an aggravated comment about how I just discovered a tissue completely torn up and stuck to all my clean clothes. This makes me very upset, because I really do check all the pockets first. Natalie said to me, "this whole tissues-in-your-laundry-thing happens to you more than anyone else I know." I was a tiny bit offended because that makes me sound careless--also, like I have a super snotty nose, which I don't.

I thought to myself "surely this doesn't happen to me every time I wash clothes." Well folks, today I went to put my wet laundry in the dryer and noticed bits of Kleenex stuck to about everything. Why, God, why? I checked the pockets. I swear what happens is that the Laundry Gremlin who lives behind the dryer sneaks out and just drops tissues into the washer as it's going, just to spite me. Laundry Gremlin got bored of stealing socks, so he decided sabotaging an entire load of dark clothes would be more effective. If I had a husband, I think he'd be really mad about the whole torn-tissue-stuck-to-his-black-pants thing. But I always pick the stuff off before putting the clothes away. I'm dedicated to correcting my errors so that nobody knows they ever happened--sshh.

Point 3
I never cook
I was starving after church yesterday, so when I came home I went straight to the kitchen. I found my roommate in there cooking. As I started to get provisions out of the fridge, she says to me "do you need to cook something?" Because you know, she was taking up the stove space with her noodles and sauce and who-knows-what. I said "no, I think I'll just zap something." This lead to her asking "how often do you actually cook?" I had my nose in the fridge looking for the salsa while I thought about it. I replied, "Ummm, well...pretty much...never." I was quick to add "But I baked cookies yesterday!" While it's true that I do not often dirty a pot or pan, I enjoy baking up a storm for a good purpose.


The usefulness of man

Point 1
They fix your house

So last week my sister and brother-in-law had to rip out their shower due to a crack and install a new one. I went over to inspect their progress. When I got there, I was shocked to find my sister sitting on the couch watching TV while Travis, my cousin, and Travis' brother were putting in the new tub. I was surprised because my sister is very much the "I can build it myself/fix it" kind of girl. If the boys weren't there, she totally would have been helping her husband through it all. After I walked in, I said, "Have you just been sitting here the whole time? Not doing anything?" She told me, "Well, pretty much. But I did have to go to Home Depot three times." So essentially the men folk just tell her what they need her to buy, she buys it, brings it back, and they put it in. I reflected upon the men doing all the hard labor and said, "Geez, I need one of those," like they're a Ken doll you can just pick up in the toy aisle of Target.

Point 2
They carry heavy stuff

Last month I went on a church retreat with my friends Kaitlynn and Leslie. When Kaitlynn and I got to Leslie's house, the front door opened and I said to the person who was hiding behind the luggage, "Do you want me to carry anything for you?" And then I realized the person carrying all the cargo was not Leslie, but her husband Kaleb. "Oh, never mind." Leslie came down the stairs shortly after, carrying a smaller load. The fact that a person's husband would be nice enough to carry his wife's gear down the stairs, up the street, and to the car amazes me. I don't even think Leslie had to whine about it. I think Kaleb just did it. Because you know what I would've pictured? This:
WIFE: Hey honey, my ride is here for the retreat.
HUSBAND: (while watching TV or playing video games) Okay Sweetie. Have a nice time. See ya later.
WIFE: Love you! (struggles down stairs with bags)
Thanks to Leslie and Kaleb, I now have a different scenario in my head. They're cute together.

Point 3
They help you when you need it

Last week my mailbox stand needed to get fixed, and my overgrown winter lawn needed to be mowed. I wasn't too excited about attempting to fix the mailbox stand, because the use of a saw was required. My cousin Jason nicely offered to fix it for me. Then on Friday I was out cutting my grass with my 1950s style grass cutter, but the job was overwhelming since it hadn't been mowed since November. It was practically knee high. I texted my cousin and he came over after class to help me. By help me, I mean he put his lawn mower in the back of his truck, drove to my house, and cut everything down. It was beyond awesome.

Why I would be a good wife
1) I'd take back the rug and beautiful pillows if he asked me.
2) I'd love him enough to pick the Kleenex remnants off his laundry. Even if it were his fault.
3) I can bake cupcakes and cookies.
4) If he wanted me to cook food in an actual pot or pan, I would learn. And I don't mean the "oh, it's passable" kind of cooking. I mean, if his meals were that important to him, then I would learn to cook well. If I put in the effort to learn how to do something, I want to be the best I can at it.
5) I'm really good at saving money and getting my bills paid on time.
6) I would brag about how awesome he is on this blog.
7) I can get ready in ten minutes.
8) I'm not super needy. Or even needy. If he wants to leave for a week to go visit friends in Colorado, whatever. If he's going to Italy he'd better take me with him, because that boot is still on my list. And I really want to ride a Vespa.
9) My kitchen is very clean 98% of the time. Husbands might not think that they care about this sort of thing, but they do. Or at least mine better, because my clean kitchen is what I have going for me right now.
10) I could write words to make a grown man cry. And I'm not talking tons of mushy sap; I'm talking words that shake, shatter, or move your soul because you are so incredibly loved. Not to sound haughty, but I write better love letters than Cupid ever could. No man has ever received such a letter from me, but if one ever does, he'll be wishing I left the Kleenex remnants stuck to his black sweatshirt because at least then he'd have something to dab his waterlogged eyes with.