Love is an Allusion: why we broke up

Before Christmas break freshman year of college, I reverted back to childlike behaviors and invented an imaginary friend. Imaginary boyfriend, more specifically. This was not because I am suffering from a mental disorder and can't distinguish between fantasy and reality, like Hurley making up his friend Dave in that episode of LOST. No, I invented him up because of my overly nosy and gossipy relative. Let's call her "Great-Aunt Marta."

Basically, Great-Aunt Marta always wants to know what is going on in my life. Specifically, she wants to know why I am not dating anyone. She always knows that I am not dating anyone because I never bring someone with me to family functions. I think her presumptions are a bit unwarranted, because there may be an off-chance that I am leading a secret life. I once considered hiring a male escort for Christmas Eve one year, kind of like that movie The Wedding Date where Debra Messing hires Dermot Mulroney as her date for her sister's wedding in London. But then I came to my senses and invented the imaginary (and free) Ethan Cole.

We dated for almost four years, but have recently broken up. More on that later. Ethan Cole is six foot three, has brown hair, brown eyes, very nice abs, and is from the San Francisco Bay area. He also plays baseball in San Francisco, which is one of the reasons he can never come with me to family functions. The other reason he can never make a public appearance is because he is visiting his family in California. With this whole back story created, I could finally face Aunt Marta in comfort and confidence.

But then we broke up.

I decided to end my long-term fictional relationship with Ethan after telling my roommate, Elizabeth, about him. Additionally, I think Natalie might have been skeptical about the relationship. I decided Ethan's really not my type, and he should date Liz instead. You should have seen her eyes light up when I told her not only is he tall, but he plays baseball. Also, Marta was starting to get suspicious.

Which is why I have decided to invent up a new BF. I'm just not sure who to choose this time. Should it be….

THE MUSICIAN, Hayden Burke

He's 5'9"ish, plays guitar, and writes contemplative songs. Eats granola and has been to Europe. Occasionally wears fuzzy wrist bands. Possible hidden tattoo. Probably has a MySpace Music site and owns a collection of CDs from obscure bands. Secretly collects Smerfs because he can't shake his 80s childhood.

Reason he's MIA at family functions: He's doing a show in another city.

THE BUSINESSMAN, Evric Larson

Evric stands at 6'1", wears a suit, and has a snazzy tie collection. Polishes his shoes. Likes a clean house and eating lobster. Watches The Office for inspiration (and because it's funny). Enjoys being in charge and increasing profits. Really likes Microsoft Excel.

Reason he's MIA: He's at a marketing conference (business people always have conferences to go to), or he's getting his office remodeled.

THE P.E. TEACHER, Josh Petersen

Is 6'3", likes basketball, and wears Nike shoes 24/7 (except when he's sleeping). Watches ESPN a lot and coaches teams for underprivileged youth. Has paper white teeth. Is the middle child in his family. Fears cherry tomatoes but won't discuss it.

Reason he's MIA: He's coaching a little league game (or whatever sport is in season at the time).

THE FOREIGNER, Juan Martinez

Juan is 5'11" and he loves his mamá and seven siblings. He has a silver filling in his left molar. He makes cheese tamales that are muy delicioso. Juan is from Colombia, and has escaped from the grips of his drug cartel leading Uncle Rico. His dream is to have a better life as an orthodontist in America. Has never met Shakira.

Reason he's MIA: He's visiting his home country (or his VISA got suspended).

OLD MONEYBAGS, Frank(lin) Rochester

Frank is 5'7"ish and bald. He's 10-25 years older than me. Smokes cigars. Owns an indoor pool and a collection of vintage cars. Vacations in Atlanta, Georgia or Berlin, Germany, depending on his mood. Has a walrus-like mustache, but I would force him to shave it off if we met.

Reason he's MIA: He's traveling the country (or is in the hospital due to a stroke).