5 Effective ways to stay single for Valentine's Day

Ladies and gents, I've been doing most of these tips for years, and they work. I am never stressing and thinking to myself on the afternoon of February 14th "What should I wear to dinner tonight? Should I straighten my hair?" No, instead I am comfortably at home in sweatpants with my hair up in a tangled mess, watching TV episodes of assassins.

Here is how to stay single:

1) Keep away from places guys go. Be home-schooled with your sister. Live in the boondocks during high school. Go to a college that is 60% female. Become a teacher. These are guaranteed ways to keep those pesky boys away.

2) When you see a guy you like, don't ever talk to him. Don't say hello (he'll think you're being too forward). You can smile if he looks at you, but do your best to ignore him (you don't want to look desperate). If he does speak to you, be sure to mention accidentally throwing your retainer into the garbage or forgetting to feed the 14 cats you have at home.

3) Don't tell your friends if you like a guy. That way they won't know, and then they can like him too and he can go out with your friends instead of you. Saved once again from having to DTR (define the relationship) with him. It needs no defining because you know exactly what it is: it is nothing.

4) Collect Precious Moments figurines. I've never actually done this, but I once knew of someone who did. If you are a college student living in the dorms, then bringing at least half of your collection to display is a really great way to keep those jocks from asking you out on too many any dates.

5) Post really pathetic status updates on Facebook. I try to stay away from this, but I know I've done it once or twice in a moment of weakness. Write things like "He doesn't know what he's missing" or "Sometimes people you love don't even notice you until you show up in their news feed."