poor word choice leads to moronic moments

You may chuckle every time you read a "that awkward moment when" description on Facebook or Twitter. I never chuckle at these. Instead, I feel the need to shake somebody, which is not a nice thing to do.

Here are my problems with "that awkward moment when":

1) It's not even a complete sentence. Can't you at least add a few extra words to make it a complete thought? Like, "You know that awkward moment when you realize you're trying to dodge someone, and you both step the same way... twice? " Or you could say "It was an awkward moment when..."  Please, people, if you must use the phrase, at least change it into a complete sentence.

2) Many times the mentioned awkward moment is not even an awkward moment at all. Find a more fitting adjective, people. I pulled some examples from the Twitter machine.

"That awkward moment when you drive past a Kia Soul and there's not a ghetto hamster driving it." This is not an awkward moment. It's a disappointing moment.

"That awkward moment when you finish a math problem and your answer isn't even one of the choices." There is nothing awkward about this. The answers of a math test have never made me feel awkward. A more fitting sentence would be "You know that frustrating moment when you finish a math problem and your answer isn't even one of the choices?"

"That awkward moment when you are scuba diving and see Adele rolling in the deep." This is not an awkward moment. It is an awesome moment.

"That awkward moment when you go through the metal detectors at the airport and your abs of steel set them off." Having abs of steel is not awkward. This is not an awkward moment. It's a proud moment.

Do you see what I mean? There are plenty of other adjectives to use besides awkward. Please use them. I'm going to start calling people out on this, if their poor word choice continues. I know that makes me sound like an anal jerk, but I just don't want you to sound like a moron.

5 Effective ways to stay single for Valentine's Day

Ladies and gents, I've been doing most of these tips for years, and they work. I am never stressing and thinking to myself on the afternoon of February 14th "What should I wear to dinner tonight? Should I straighten my hair?" No, instead I am comfortably at home in sweatpants with my hair up in a tangled mess, watching TV episodes of assassins.

Here is how to stay single:

1) Keep away from places guys go. Be home-schooled with your sister. Live in the boondocks during high school. Go to a college that is 60% female. Become a teacher. These are guaranteed ways to keep those pesky boys away.

2) When you see a guy you like, don't ever talk to him. Don't say hello (he'll think you're being too forward). You can smile if he looks at you, but do your best to ignore him (you don't want to look desperate). If he does speak to you, be sure to mention accidentally throwing your retainer into the garbage or forgetting to feed the 14 cats you have at home.

3) Don't tell your friends if you like a guy. That way they won't know, and then they can like him too and he can go out with your friends instead of you. Saved once again from having to DTR (define the relationship) with him. It needs no defining because you know exactly what it is: it is nothing.

4) Collect Precious Moments figurines. I've never actually done this, but I once knew of someone who did. If you are a college student living in the dorms, then bringing at least half of your collection to display is a really great way to keep those jocks from asking you out on too many any dates.

5) Post really pathetic status updates on Facebook. I try to stay away from this, but I know I've done it once or twice in a moment of weakness. Write things like "He doesn't know what he's missing" or "Sometimes people you love don't even notice you until you show up in their news feed."

Where's Joelle been?

So January was a wash. The writing instinct has just not been in my body lately. I blame it on Pinterest. But rather than post boring things that no one wants to read, I wrote nothing. It's a good thing for you, but a bad thing for me. Because I could have at least drafted something. Worked on something. Been inspired about something.

I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I don't. So that's sad. I never set out to be a blogger with hundreds of readers. The reason I started The Real Pretend was to share funny stories, moments that have really impacted me, and all around goodness. I guess part of the reason I haven't been writing is because there are so many other important things out there that I am trying to do. I'll tell you about one of them:

I started a Saturday Kids Club at my church for the neighborhood kiddos. There are a lot of apartment complexes, mobile homes, and a school within walking distance of the church, and I figured we should take full advantage of our building and use it on Saturdays. I've only got 5 kids so far. But I'm working on it. We've only met one Saturday, so I'm trying to give myself grace.

I thought about doing a Saturday Club in October. Back when I was trying to find a job, I said to God "Okay Lord, if I don't have to work Saturdays, then I'll do it. I will start a Kid's Club." But then November rolled around, I scored two part-time jobs, and I never followed up on my word. I started feeling really convicted about it. Not necessarily guilty that I had told God I would do something and hadn't done it yet, but more like starting a Saturday Club was important. I had this feeling that it would lead to something else, and I was supposed to do this because it was a stepping stone. If I've learned anything in the last year and a half, it is obey God when you hear Him. Obey immediately.

So yeah, I don't get to be lazy and sleep in on Saturdays anymore. But I know what I'm doing is worthwhile, even if it is for just five kids. They matter.