Phone Convo between J and N

Last week in the Willamette Valley we experienced some psychotic spring weather, which included a thick blanket of snow. Natalie and I had a phone conversation about it.

J: My lawn is covered in snow. And you know what's funny? I was totally going to cut the grass today. Well, at least I was thinking about it last night. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want me to mow the lawn though, because if he did, he wouldn't have made it snow.

N: I'm also pretty sure God wants you to buy a Cricut machine*. You know, so we can craft excellent things together.

*In case you didn't know, a Cricut is a very expensive crafter's dream. It's a glorified electric die cutter and makes tedious cutting less boring. Martha Stewart wanted to take her Cricut with her to prison so she could teach the inmates how to make beautiful cards and decorations, but she couldn't get it past the prison guard. Now that she's out of the slammer, she using her Cricut daily, die cutting fake money.

Things I make

This post is heavily laden with photos. I was rather impatient about it because it definitely took more than ten minutes to put them on here. So appreciate, please.

If you are an in-town friend and have been to my house recently, then you already know this. You might already know this as well if you are a stalker, know where I live, and have peered in through the windows of my house while I was at work. In the past month, here are some things I have made:

These were for the coffee break/sweet treat time we have at church. Quite obviously they are cookie monster cupcakes. The Sesame Street theme had nothing to do with anything, I just thought those blue faces were hilarious, so I had to make them. I got the idea from Pinterest. By far the best part was shoving the cookies into the mouths. Anybody have a children's birthday party you want me to plan?

Remember how I said I was going to make a chalkboard globe during spring break? Yeah, finally got that done.

Step 1: acquire an old globe from Goodwill.

Step 2: Paint in all the water with black chalkboard paint, then outline the continents with white paint, then paint the land masses black with more chalkboard paint. Two coats were necessary. Step 3: Decorate with chalk.

 

 

 

 

Of course he lives at the North Pole.

I kind of love Europe and mostly want to go to Africa.

When my friend Liz was over, she drew that picture of a penguin on Antarctica.

 I have this thing for maps, which is odd considering how much I get lost while driving. I made this pennant out of old maps that I bought for $0.79 at St. Vincent de Paul's thrift store. I got an ENTIRE BOOK of maps. Do you know how excited I was to find this book? Incredibly. I am going to craft so many things out of map paper.

I also have a thing for tissue paper pom poms. 

Can I just say that the color of my wall looks very nasty, but it is not that gross in real life. I'm not color blind.

Two Saturdays ago (on the 14th of May) I hosted a birthday party at my house for four of my friends, who were all born in May. I made a lot of cake.

Natalie, Kaitlynn, Leslie, and Casey all got a mini cake with their initial on it.

From left to right: Natalie, Kaitlynn, Leslie, Casey, my pasty arms lighting the candles.

We laughed a lot that night. And you know, ate a lot of sugar.

In addition to the spread you see here, I made a whole other sheet cake. We also had a potluck style meal, and guests brought PLENTY of food. Because we had so much grub, I was left with quite a bit of cake. I may or may not have eaten all or most of it the following week. For dinner.

how Pinterest is semi-exclusive (like Facebook used to be)

There's this completely stellar website called Pinterest that lets you make digital collage boards of things you love. The day my account was activated, I spent at least five hours on the site.

But first, an introduction that will probably seem unrelated but I swear it is.

Do you remember when Facebook used to be only for college students? You had to have a legit university email in order to get an account. It was exclusive. I think this helped keep the riff-raff off of Facebook. Everybody you were friends with had to be a college student. Now, it's not to say that there are not plenty of intelligent people who didn't go to college. There are many. They are making more money than me right now. But then, let's be honest, there are the not-so-smart people who didn't go to college, either. Because it does take a least a shred of intelligence, commitment, or parental over-bearance in order for a person to get into college. So Facebook helped keep out some of the morons. You know, the ones who send you 45 vampire requests a week? Or the ones who list Farmville as one of their hobbies on a resume?

Well, Pinterest is kind of like that. In order to have your own Pinterest account, you have to be invited. This fact alone makes you sound elite, discounting the fact that you can request an invitation from the Powers That Be.

I think it's pretty safe to say that a large majority of people who have Pinterest accounts are creative/artistic/aesthetically inclined. Because why would you have a pin board if didn't? I have pin boards because I love gazing at beautiful things (like your face), and I enjoy pinning photos of lovely spaces and clever ideas. I am a maker. So I believe that most people on Pinterest are makers too.

It's like men with mustaches. While it's true that there are some very upstanding or distinguished fellows have mustaches, it's also true that most criminals have mustaches. I would venture to say that most clean-shaven men are reputable, while nearly all shady people have mustaches. I mean, how many criminals have you seen printed in the paper who have mustaches? A lot. It's because these crooks think it makes a good disguise, because they can just shave it off after they rob the bank or whatever. I am not saying that most men with mustaches are sketchy. I am saying that a large percentage of dishonest men do indeed have mustaches. If you are a crook, chances are you have a 'stache.

Let's recap this post:
*Old, exclusive, college-only Facebook helped keep the riff-raff out.
*Most shady men have mustaches.
*People who have Pinterest accounts are creative and keep their eyes peeled for beauty.

And now, some lovely things for you to gaze at. I present to you the pin boards I have made via Pinterest. Click on that little red button to go there.

ValeMANtine's Day Cards

I explain it all.

Calling All Lovers

I am in the process of creating some handmade valentines, and I am really proud of myself for planning ahead this year. I will be even prouder if I actually get them in the mail on time. I was thinking about it all, and I realized I really want to make a valentine for you. Undoubtedly some readers of The Real Pretend already have a valentine coming to them, but that’s because I have their address and know who they are. 

 So if you would like to receive a handmade valentine crafted by moi, please e-mail me your address at TheRealPretend.JJG@gmail.com This isn’t you requesting a valentine from me, so don’t feel weird about it. This is me being weird requesting your address. If you want to be super stealth, you could even be clever and give yourself an alias if you don’t want me to know who you are. For example, I could send a valentine to:

the guy with glasses
4589 Northwest Main St.
Sierra Falls, NV 98514

or like

girl in gray apartment
879 Oak Street, Apt. 5
Wherever, OR 97008

But I am afraid that if you request an actual fake name like “Dr. Mario Lopez” the postal service will get confused and not give you your mail. Though I manage to receive tons of mail for people who don’t actually live at my residence, so maybe it won’t be a problem.

Again, I am doing this because j’adore the readers of TRP. And I like to make things. And I like to give out love to anybody who will accept it, because apparently I seem to have a hard time giving it to people who actually want it.

So right now, write to TheRealPretend.JJG@gmail.com. Demanding, I know.

Love,
Joelle

Disguise-O Mug

I would have shown this to you sooner, but I couldn't risk my dad reading this blog before Christmas Day. So you get to see it now. For part of my dad's Christmas present, I made him this.

It's a mustache mug. I just got a white mug and painted a 'stache on it using paint made especially for ceramics. I had to bake it for 30 minutes afterward. The tag says "Evading the law? Need to spy on someone without having them recognize you? Change your look with this mug and its contents. Hand washing recommended."  I am fairly certain my dad has needed to evade the law a time or two, and he probably likes to spy on people also. That's probably where I get it from.

 Then I went to the Dollar Tree and bought things like hillbilly/thug teeth, a Sheriff badge, sunglasses, and glasses with eyes in them.

On the bottom I signed my love.

Takes the term "mug shot" to a whole new level, doesn't it?

I've Been Framed!

A few weekends ago I picked up a super nasty gold painted frame from Goodwill for $2.99. We're talking so hideous that even some out-of-fashion grandma decided it was too ghastly to keep in her house. I fixed it to look like this:

I think turquoise makes anything look better

What's handy about the clothes pin design is that I can change the photos out easily and frequently. Because, you know, I have lots of friends and have to replace their faces often in order to keep track of who I know.

Another crafty venture I took on was this felt leaf garland for my dining area window. It took like all of 78 cents for materials. Which, you know, is surprising because it looks so expensively made.

Crafting things on the weekends is so much better than grading math tests.

Crafty Pants goes to PDX

Here's some photos of things I made at work while teaching Messy and Marvelous camp two weeks ago. It's a mini bird house. Then I made a bird for it out of clay. I made a friend for him too.

They escaped from the zoo.

In other news, I am leaving for Portland this weekend to attend a writers' conference. It should be a lot of fun and I will most likely learn a lot of useful information. I'm bringing a few stories along so that I can smuggle them (and my business card) into the briefcases of literary agents when they are not looking. They'll need something to read on the plane home.

It's a good thing that I am leaving because I have been putting off grocery shopping for practically a week and more or less have no food in my fridge. I was going to go on Thursday night, but then realized I was leaving on Friday, so what was the point of buying bananas just so they could rot on my counter?