10 Ways to Quit Being a Creeper

Back in the late 1800s, serial killers are what used to frighten people, due to that whole Jack-the-Ripper thing. In this day and age, people are frightened of "creepers" and "stalkers." On-line creepers and stalkers is a frequently used term to describe someone who knows too much about somebody else. Off-line creepers and stalkers exist as well, and they are the more frightening types, as they usually are in close proximity to your actual being and there is not 100 miles of distance and a computer screen between the two of you. But never mind that, you don't want to be referred to as an on-line creeper.

In order to lose the nickname "On-line Creeper", or more specifically "Facebook Stalker," these are the things you should stop doing:

1) Collecting hair samples. You can't really do this on-line, but if this is something you do, YOU NEED TO STOP, so that is why it is number one on the list.

2) Having alerts on your phone that notify you each time a person has activity on their Facebook page.

3) Learning through the Stalkee's events that they are going to be at a certain place at a certain time, and so you also appear there, even though you weren't invited. Coffee shops and restaurants provide what you think may be a "coincidental" moment, but when you start going for an evening jog by your stalkee's grandma's house on Thanksgiving, that screams I AM GOING TO KIDNAP YOU AFTER YOU EAT PIE.

4) Hacking other people's e-mail accounts so you can learn more about them and the people they converse with.

5) Setting a stalkee's profile picture as your desktop background.

6) Memorizing all of the information provided on the "Info" section of their FB account. Saying that you have a photographic memory does not lessen the creep factor.

7) Normally I would say that documenting people's fingerprints is creepy, unless of course they willingly and knowingly stick their thumb in the ink. I happen to have a fingerprint stamp on my fridge of a "suspect", not because I am a stalker, but because I am a detective and need to gather evidence in order to protect my friends.

8) Creating a fake Facebook profile to friend request some one, because you don't want them to know it is really you. This is by far the creepiest thing you can do.

Hopefully if you are often subject to being stalked, you are not a moron and can tell that when some hot foreign guy from Ireland sends you a request saying "Your profile picture is very creative" you know that he actually is probably the 40 year old man from the gym that grins way too much. Don't get sucked in by accents. You can't hear them on Facebook anyway.

9) Somehow finding out the stalkee's phone number, and then texting them things like "hey, I don't have your address, can you tell me what it is so I can mail you something?" Of course when they say "Who is this?" You reply with some name of a person they know, claiming you have a new number. If you are successful in this creep activity and actually acquire their home address, DO NOT DRIVE BY. This is why people call you a stalker, and you need to stop these shenanigans.

10) Actually mailing something to the person's house if you happen to discover their address through whatever measures. If you mail cash or gift cards, then that is okay and you should probably start stalking me. Text me an address request and I'll pretend to play dumb. If, instead, you mail any sort of inappropriate anything (especially anthrax or underwear), then you may end up in handcuffs. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you are not sure if something is inappropriate or not, you can message me and ask. I will be brutally truthful with you, and probably will end up posting your e-mail on this blog. 

Additional information: Reading/checking someone's blog every day is not considered "blog stalking." It means you like reading the person's blog. The author probably likes that sort of thing. If they didn't want readers, they wouldn't post. Or they'd write everything in code. If they didn't want YOU as a reader, they'd set their blog to private and not invite you to access it.

How Wuthering Heights was 1847's Twilight

Last weekend I got sucked into watching a Masterpiece Classic movie on PBS. I never watch these, probably because they induce me to slumber. The movie may be a piece of classic literature, and I fully support reading, but I just cannot get over the weirdly styled hair of the women, or the mutton chops of the men that star in these roles. They are distracting and make me forget the words being said.

I mean, I liked Pride and Prejudice well enough, but it had to grow on me. I was forced to watch it about four times by others, and on the last time, I realized it was actually a pretty hot love story. I even own the Keira Knightly version, which I know you will argue is not half as good as the one with Colin Firth.

After watching Wuthering Heights on PBS, I became aware of how similar Stephanie Meyers' Twilight is to Emily Bronte's twisted love story. Here are the parallels:
How Heathcliff and Edward are similar
*dark, creepy personalities
*pasty skin
*terrifying eyes
*poorly styled hair
*obsessive about the women they love to the point of death

Do you really want either of these men loving you?

 And now, How Heathcliff and Edward are NOT similar
*Heathcliff actually has some clever dialogue, whereas Edward just tries to smolder everyone with his golden eyes. The Heathcliff line that cracks me up is when he returns from being gone for three years. After finding an unfavorable old man still alive, Heathcliff says "You're still here?" The old fart replies "Yes, God has seen to keep me alive on this earth." Then Heathcliff zings him with "Maybe the Lord has kept you on earth because he'd find your company so irksome in heaven." Well played, Heath, well played.

Regardless of writing, character development, and dialogue, both Wuthering Heights and Twilight romanticize obsessive relationships and influence readers/movie viewers to desire such relationships. People, please understand, these are not sweet "I'll die without him" love stories. They are creepy. Restraining orders and medications were created for just these exact stories.

Stay with me here, because I'm about to shift gears and go into my "beliefs" mode. Sorry if you skip out on those posts, because you miss the very core of my heart and soul when you do. You may not read my "God posts" because they don't make you laugh, but believe me, God has a sense of humor. He did, after all, create the Saiga antelope and the Macaroni penguin.

Back on track. That whole obsessive-love thing. In high school or even college, I may have thought that was what true love was like--thinking about someone so much that you feel the urge to creep by their window at night to watch them sleep. But not now. You may think I am a liar, but this is what I want: a man obsessed not with me, but with God.

This is what I envision

You know how "Losties" used to get together to obsess over the TV show and discuss time travel or smoke monster theories? How Steelers fans would give up an appendage if it helped their team win another Super Bowl? How Star Trek fans speak a whole 'nother language unto themselves? I want that. I want to be so geeked out on God that the reason my love relationship with a man works is because we are both obsessed with the same thing: The King of Kings.

Am I obsessed now? No, not by a fanatic's standards. Do I want to be? Yes. If there is anything worth obsessing over, it's God. Heathcliff and Edward really need to straighten out their priorities. Cathy and Bella need to get a clue and realize men will always disappoint, no matter how much they love you.

God is crazy in love with you and He thinks about you all the time. Jesus loves you so much he died for you. He wrote you a fatty stack of love letters and tries to impress you every morning by making the sun rise. He is so obsessed with you that he wants you to spend forever with Him.

Are you getting this? At this very moment, someone wants to love you forever. Regardless of what you do, no matter who you cheat on him with, God will and does love you forever and always. It's his deepest desire that you love him back.

And well, if you still crave that creep factor in you love relationship, don't even worry about it, because God already watches you when you're sleeping.

--Joelle

Things I make

This post is heavily laden with photos. I was rather impatient about it because it definitely took more than ten minutes to put them on here. So appreciate, please.

If you are an in-town friend and have been to my house recently, then you already know this. You might already know this as well if you are a stalker, know where I live, and have peered in through the windows of my house while I was at work. In the past month, here are some things I have made:

These were for the coffee break/sweet treat time we have at church. Quite obviously they are cookie monster cupcakes. The Sesame Street theme had nothing to do with anything, I just thought those blue faces were hilarious, so I had to make them. I got the idea from Pinterest. By far the best part was shoving the cookies into the mouths. Anybody have a children's birthday party you want me to plan?

Remember how I said I was going to make a chalkboard globe during spring break? Yeah, finally got that done.

Step 1: acquire an old globe from Goodwill.

Step 2: Paint in all the water with black chalkboard paint, then outline the continents with white paint, then paint the land masses black with more chalkboard paint. Two coats were necessary. Step 3: Decorate with chalk.

 

 

 

 

Of course he lives at the North Pole.

I kind of love Europe and mostly want to go to Africa.

When my friend Liz was over, she drew that picture of a penguin on Antarctica.

 I have this thing for maps, which is odd considering how much I get lost while driving. I made this pennant out of old maps that I bought for $0.79 at St. Vincent de Paul's thrift store. I got an ENTIRE BOOK of maps. Do you know how excited I was to find this book? Incredibly. I am going to craft so many things out of map paper.

I also have a thing for tissue paper pom poms. 

Can I just say that the color of my wall looks very nasty, but it is not that gross in real life. I'm not color blind.

Two Saturdays ago (on the 14th of May) I hosted a birthday party at my house for four of my friends, who were all born in May. I made a lot of cake.

Natalie, Kaitlynn, Leslie, and Casey all got a mini cake with their initial on it.

From left to right: Natalie, Kaitlynn, Leslie, Casey, my pasty arms lighting the candles.

We laughed a lot that night. And you know, ate a lot of sugar.

In addition to the spread you see here, I made a whole other sheet cake. We also had a potluck style meal, and guests brought PLENTY of food. Because we had so much grub, I was left with quite a bit of cake. I may or may not have eaten all or most of it the following week. For dinner.

Parent intervention

J'adore the Dollar Tree, especially because I'm a teacher. It's my go-to place for all things cheap. I am sad to say, though, that the last time I left the Dollar Tree, I was steaming mad. I've had some time too cool down, but as I continue to write, I might get riled up again.

As I was looking for calculators for my classroom, I spotted an obvious parental failure. She was blond and had on sweat pants with "Pink" written across the rear. Let me just say that if you go anywhere in public with anything stamped across your bottom, it's an automatic parental discredit. But I could have let that go, I really could have. It was the words that came out of this mother's mouth that made me want to intervene.

She has with her a little brunette girl with long hair. The kid couldn't have been over five years old, but I'm pretty certain she was probably four. She's touching everything in the store and saying "I like this, I want this, can I have this?" Her mother, the one who gave birth to her, sneers and says "Put that down, that's stupid. I'm not gonna buy that." Okay, could be worse. Here it comes...

I'm in the same aisle as this mother and child, and the kid says something to her mom. It really doesn't matter what she said, because she is four and her mother is an adult. Her mother says to her "You're such a bossy brat." This, good people, is why I struggle with the students in my class. This is why I have to listen to 37 accounts of name calling per day. It's because my students' own parents likely use this kind of language with them at home. I mean, get a clue, moms and dads. If you want your child to be nice at school, maybe you shouldn't call them names. That's who they learn it from. If you don't want me to call you in for a parent meeting because of something your child did, then start setting a better example at home.

It gets infinitely worse. I mean, after I heard the bossy brat comment, I was about to say something like "If you use more respectful language with your child, she will likely grow up to be respectful to others." But I kept my lips shut.

Then the mom tries to get her daughter to follow her to another aisle, but the kid doesn't want to go. I wouldn't want to go anywhere with this woman either. So the mother says, "Come on you little varmint." ! and ? For reals? You just called your child a varmint? And in public? Clearly, I am not impressed with your parenting skills. I don't care if she's not obeying you, you don't say things like that to a four-year-old. 

Again, I kept my mouth shut, but the steam started to come out of my ears. I finished getting what I needed and went to get in line. There they were again. Another chance to intervene. The child was trying to crawl up to the counter and reach a candy bar, and her mother kept telling her to stop. I really wanted to demonstrate good parenting skills. I wanted to show that terrible mother what you could say calmly, respectfully, and firmly to have the child stop. I didn't, but I am 99% sure the kid would have listened to me.

As I'm walking to my car, I'm thinking "this is why classroom behaviors are going to hell. Parents don't even demonstrate respect and kindness in their own homes."

I watch the mother force her child into the back and slam the door. I pull out behind her. I sort of think about writing down her license plate, but then I spot something even better: a phone number decal on the rear window. It's advertising some "Scentsy" business. I could call this woman, I think. I could call and tell her what she should be doing differently. But the problem is, it's kind of raining and I can't quite make out all of the numbers. And I don't want to become "that person," the complete stranger who gets all up in your business even though they don't even know you. I didn't want to do that.

But now I wish I had.

Go goole yourself

I occasionally Google myself just to see what sort of things stalkers/employers can find. I Google my first name and last name and find info about stuff I did in college. All of it's positive, so that's good. Then I Google blog my first and last name and find other stuff. But I kind of doubt my employer goes home and Google blogs my name--unless of course they are utterly fascinated with me (which they should be, but I'm glad they're not). However, my employer did track me down via Craigslist, and that kind of freaked me out.

I shouldn't be so mad about people talking me, because I do my fair share of stalking internet researching people too. For example, there is this kind of cute guy I know. Okay, well, I don't really know him that well, but I found out his first and last name, and that's all you need to get started stalking researching someone. I started just knowing his first name, but I am a trained detective, and so I was able to find out his last name by using other clues. Asking would have been easier, but not as clever. Anyway, I can't believe I am admitting all of this to you, but whatever, who cares. It's not like it's about you. So I found out his name, which then gives me the ability to find out his age. I went to this stalker background checking website and entered his name. Problem was, it gave me two results, one for a 22 year old, and one for a 32 year old. At that point, everything I thought I knew changed. I thought he was about 25 or 26. So I guess he could easily be 32 and just look young for his age. Or he could be 22 but I kind of doubted it based on the other information that was attached. Only today I was talking to him and he told me last week was his birthday. Someone else who was involved in the conversation asked him what age he was celebrating. I could have sworn he said 23. But maybe I misheard and it was 33. Maybe I should just quit stalking people and make real friends.

P.S. After I got my job, I on-line checked the ages of a large handful of people at my place of work. Because I wanted to know. Now I know when they are lying. They are not really 32. And they don't weigh 125 either.