Holidays are hard when you are single

The holidays are hard when you're single. You've been stuck at the kids table for 12 years too long. You're left dangling on the roof as you attempt to hang your own Christmas lights.You're mailing people Christmas cards of you and your rabbit wearing matching Santa hats.

This is how I cope:

1) Make up stories about your future boyfriend. You might say to yourself "I've been waiting a good long time, when is he gonna show up?" Your negative attitude immediately thinks your future  love is out spending cozy Christmas time with some other chick--that he's having a great time without you hauling another girl's Christmas tree to her house while you struggle to shove that five foot shrub in the back of your Toyota Corolla.

Change that story. He's not kissing some other girl under the mistletoe. He's working extra hours to save up for your dream house. Because when you come along, he wants to give you the best. He's wishing every girl were you, but they're not. He's spending Christmas with his parents and younger cousins. He's running a toy drive gathering Legos and stuffed animals for little kids in need. He's writing a Christmas card to his older brother serving in Afghanistan.

2) Don't watch any ABC Family Christmas movies, unless it's Holidays in Handcuffs. What you see on TV is fiction. People don't fall in love two days before Christmas. Nobody falls down at an ice-skating rink and gets helped up by a hunky stranger in a cable-knit sweater. A soldier is not going to follow the trails of your hand-crafted Christmas card, wander into your home town, and offer to help at your father's saw mill. 

This movie is a load of croc. Release by Hallmark, though, not ABC.

Haven't seen this one, but I can tell from the title it is full of lies.

3) Know that you are needed. This isn't even pretend. Someone else needs you this holiday season. We don't always get to choose who needs us. I mean, I wouldn't mind a six-foot-three, brown eyed, dimple faced man who NEEDED help wrapping presents for 150 underprivileged children at his non-profit, but sometimes we are most needed by the people we overlook. So go out and help somebody. It will make your heart happy.

4) Become the life of the party. Learn a few magic tricks. Dress up as an elf. Tell a good story. Don't let couples (or babies) run the show. I've been rehearsing an entire routine for this Christmas Eve at my aunt's house. I'm starting out with a few card tricks, will move into fire juggling, tell a made-up story of how I served on jury duty and had to decide the verdict for a drug cartel leader, and then I will probably end with a short dance number from the Nutcracker.

5) Drink a lot of wine or peppermint schnapps, unless you are a recovering alcoholic. I support sobriety. But if you want to drink a second/third glass, wear a fur hat, and try to get your ex-boyfriend's cousin to dance with you at a Christmas party, I won't stop you. Sometimes the sheer hilarity of our situations help us get through.

6) Give unsolicited advice to the people of Craigslist. Create an email account (something like Dr J or Ann Flanders) and then message away! Encourage those posting in "missed connections" to man up and talk to the Albany Taco Bell cashier, or to ask the girl with the heart tattoo on her ring finger if you can take her to lunch. Or visit the personal ads and offer spelling and grammatical corrections. Just find something to take your mind off not having anyone to cuddle up and watch Christmas movies with. Because, I mean, I have a rabbit, so I'm fine.

Good Wife/Bad Wife

It's quite debatable whether or not I'm suitable for marriage, though the usefulness of man has recently become apparent to me through observations of my brother-in-law, cousin, and my friend Leslie's husband. More on them in section two.

This post is going to be divided up into three sections:
*Why I would be a bad wife
*The usefulness of man
*Why I would be a good wife

Why I would be a bad wife

Point 1
I buy what I like

Well readers, you know how just prior to spring break I posted all those photos of my house and gave you a home tour? After that I decided to make some domestic improvements, and on the second to last day of break I went out and dropped a wad of Jacksons on a new vacuum, living room rug, and pillows. Here are pictures.

This rug doesn't shed like the white wool one I had from Ikea.

I think these pillows are darling.

I really love my new rug and pillows. I mean, the old ones were okay, but I love these ones. I think it's important to own things you really love and to get rid of what you don't like. Anyway, so after coming home and unloading the goods, I thought to myself "boy, it's a good thing I'm not married or else my husband would be mad at me right now for spending all that money." I felt guilty for a bit. Then I realized if I were married, that means I would have had a bridal shower/wedding presents, and I wouldn't have had to buy all this stuff myself, because I fully would've registered for all of it. So my imaginary husband couldn't be mad at me.

Point 2
I suck at doing laundry

About two weeks ago my friend Natalie was over when I was doing laundry, and I made an aggravated comment about how I just discovered a tissue completely torn up and stuck to all my clean clothes. This makes me very upset, because I really do check all the pockets first. Natalie said to me, "this whole tissues-in-your-laundry-thing happens to you more than anyone else I know." I was a tiny bit offended because that makes me sound careless--also, like I have a super snotty nose, which I don't.

I thought to myself "surely this doesn't happen to me every time I wash clothes." Well folks, today I went to put my wet laundry in the dryer and noticed bits of Kleenex stuck to about everything. Why, God, why? I checked the pockets. I swear what happens is that the Laundry Gremlin who lives behind the dryer sneaks out and just drops tissues into the washer as it's going, just to spite me. Laundry Gremlin got bored of stealing socks, so he decided sabotaging an entire load of dark clothes would be more effective. If I had a husband, I think he'd be really mad about the whole torn-tissue-stuck-to-his-black-pants thing. But I always pick the stuff off before putting the clothes away. I'm dedicated to correcting my errors so that nobody knows they ever happened--sshh.

Point 3
I never cook
I was starving after church yesterday, so when I came home I went straight to the kitchen. I found my roommate in there cooking. As I started to get provisions out of the fridge, she says to me "do you need to cook something?" Because you know, she was taking up the stove space with her noodles and sauce and who-knows-what. I said "no, I think I'll just zap something." This lead to her asking "how often do you actually cook?" I had my nose in the fridge looking for the salsa while I thought about it. I replied, "Ummm, well...pretty much...never." I was quick to add "But I baked cookies yesterday!" While it's true that I do not often dirty a pot or pan, I enjoy baking up a storm for a good purpose.


The usefulness of man

Point 1
They fix your house

So last week my sister and brother-in-law had to rip out their shower due to a crack and install a new one. I went over to inspect their progress. When I got there, I was shocked to find my sister sitting on the couch watching TV while Travis, my cousin, and Travis' brother were putting in the new tub. I was surprised because my sister is very much the "I can build it myself/fix it" kind of girl. If the boys weren't there, she totally would have been helping her husband through it all. After I walked in, I said, "Have you just been sitting here the whole time? Not doing anything?" She told me, "Well, pretty much. But I did have to go to Home Depot three times." So essentially the men folk just tell her what they need her to buy, she buys it, brings it back, and they put it in. I reflected upon the men doing all the hard labor and said, "Geez, I need one of those," like they're a Ken doll you can just pick up in the toy aisle of Target.

Point 2
They carry heavy stuff

Last month I went on a church retreat with my friends Kaitlynn and Leslie. When Kaitlynn and I got to Leslie's house, the front door opened and I said to the person who was hiding behind the luggage, "Do you want me to carry anything for you?" And then I realized the person carrying all the cargo was not Leslie, but her husband Kaleb. "Oh, never mind." Leslie came down the stairs shortly after, carrying a smaller load. The fact that a person's husband would be nice enough to carry his wife's gear down the stairs, up the street, and to the car amazes me. I don't even think Leslie had to whine about it. I think Kaleb just did it. Because you know what I would've pictured? This:
WIFE: Hey honey, my ride is here for the retreat.
HUSBAND: (while watching TV or playing video games) Okay Sweetie. Have a nice time. See ya later.
WIFE: Love you! (struggles down stairs with bags)
Thanks to Leslie and Kaleb, I now have a different scenario in my head. They're cute together.

Point 3
They help you when you need it

Last week my mailbox stand needed to get fixed, and my overgrown winter lawn needed to be mowed. I wasn't too excited about attempting to fix the mailbox stand, because the use of a saw was required. My cousin Jason nicely offered to fix it for me. Then on Friday I was out cutting my grass with my 1950s style grass cutter, but the job was overwhelming since it hadn't been mowed since November. It was practically knee high. I texted my cousin and he came over after class to help me. By help me, I mean he put his lawn mower in the back of his truck, drove to my house, and cut everything down. It was beyond awesome.

Why I would be a good wife
1) I'd take back the rug and beautiful pillows if he asked me.
2) I'd love him enough to pick the Kleenex remnants off his laundry. Even if it were his fault.
3) I can bake cupcakes and cookies.
4) If he wanted me to cook food in an actual pot or pan, I would learn. And I don't mean the "oh, it's passable" kind of cooking. I mean, if his meals were that important to him, then I would learn to cook well. If I put in the effort to learn how to do something, I want to be the best I can at it.
5) I'm really good at saving money and getting my bills paid on time.
6) I would brag about how awesome he is on this blog.
7) I can get ready in ten minutes.
8) I'm not super needy. Or even needy. If he wants to leave for a week to go visit friends in Colorado, whatever. If he's going to Italy he'd better take me with him, because that boot is still on my list. And I really want to ride a Vespa.
9) My kitchen is very clean 98% of the time. Husbands might not think that they care about this sort of thing, but they do. Or at least mine better, because my clean kitchen is what I have going for me right now.
10) I could write words to make a grown man cry. And I'm not talking tons of mushy sap; I'm talking words that shake, shatter, or move your soul because you are so incredibly loved. Not to sound haughty, but I write better love letters than Cupid ever could. No man has ever received such a letter from me, but if one ever does, he'll be wishing I left the Kleenex remnants stuck to his black sweatshirt because at least then he'd have something to dab his waterlogged eyes with.

God save me (the queen)

I was on the phone with my mom today. She was coming into Salem at 7pm for a bridal shower. I asked her who was getting married, because it seems like all the people we know who are tying the knot are my ageish. She said it was her friend Laura. I waited to hear if this was Laura's second marriage. Nope. She's at least 47 and she's just now getting married for the first time.

"God help me," was the first thing I said back to my mother. Because that will be me. In 24 years. I can't stay skinny that long.

"I won't tell her you said that," which is what my mom said back. "Laura is really happy," she told me. "Well, she should be," I replied. I mean, I would be ecstatic if I were 47 and was finally getting married. I don't know Laura, but I kind of want to interview her and see what her life has been like for the past 25 years. Has she just been rockin' her own thing? Or cuddling up with a bowl of popcorn and M&Ms every Friday night and watching Lifetime movies on cable? Just wondering.

Other things I need to tell you:

1) My god I've been an idiot. My mortgage broker needs all these documents from me, so last night I was trying to print/photocopy them all when my printer died. I was out of ink. The warning thing has been coming up for the past two months. "Danger! Danger! Low ink! Order now or else catastrophic events will ruin your life!" Only I didn't because it costs me like $35 bucks. I went to Walgreens today. Cost me ten bucks for a refill. Why didn't I go there earlier? Moron, I know.

2) I am brilliant. My mortgage broker called me today to let me know the results of the credit report he ran on me. I'm in the top bracket, thank you very much. The average American's credit score is 678. The highest possible is 850. I don't have 850, but I am in the top bracket right with it. Suckers. Guess I should thank Suze Orman and my parents. Let me explain.

Jamie (my mortgage broker) called and told me I had 3 lines of credit. He listed my credit card that I used (opened in 2007), a Bank of America credit card which has an obscenely large credit limit that I'm not even going to talk about with a $0 balance (opened in 2000), and a Chase credit card opened in 1995. Jamie was confused because in 1995 I was ten years old. Ten year old kids don't have credit cards (unless they live in Hollywood, which I don't). I explained to him that in 2005 I asked my mom to put me on her credit cards as an authorized user. That doesn't mean I ever used her credit cards. I didn't. What it meant though, was that my mother's FICO scores became my FICO scores. She has really good credit, so that's why I did it. I watched a Suze Orman episode and got the idea. I thought that my credit score would just say I had been using a credit card since 2005, which is when my mom added me. I didn't know that it meant I would inherit 13 years of credit history. So thanks, Suze, and thanks Mom for paying your credit card bill in full every month. Now that I think about it, I think I did my sister a favor as well because I think I told my mom to add the both of us to her credit cards as authorized users. So Jess probably has really good credit too.

Back to Jamie, my broker. I've never met him, but so far I've talked to him on the phone like every two days. When he first asked me my birth date, I was hesitant. November 1985, I said. I could hear a pause over the phone. Then later when he asked me if I had any assets in the form of a car, I told him I had a 1998 Toyota Corolla. After a few moments he said "That's a daughter car" (which is better than a grandma car, like my sister says it is)."That's what my daughter has," Jamie finished. I told him "Well, my dad helped me pick it out." Somewhere into our conversation Jamie mentioned that his daughter is just one year younger than me, and she graduated from college last week. "Congrats," I said. "Do you have any attractive sons my age?"

Advice Needed

Which classes do you think would be most conducive to finding a husband:
business administration
computer science
chemistry
civil engineering technology
?
I am seriously thinking of following my sister's advice of going to summer classes. Go twice, and if there aren't any potentials, drop the class. I think this would be a very interesting experiment to try and then to write about the process.

On a completely unrelated note, do you think I should buy a house? No need for a husband first. "Build it and they will come," Isn't that the phrase? Haha. Kidding. But not about the house. Am I crazy?

I was driving home today and saw a reader-board for a church. It said "Take the challenge." A message from God, perhaps? What I really need right now is a fortune cookie to give me some advice. But I didn't have Chinese food for dinner. Maybe I'll go to here to read an on-line fortune cookie.

Oops, bad idea. It said "Keep to yourself--friendliness may make enemies." Like maybe I shouldn't buy a house and then have roommates because they will all hate me in the end.

I tried a different on-line fortune cookie site and this one said "The smart thing to do is to start trusting your intuition." Problem is, my intuition is not exactly clear. Ideas, anyone?