Holidays are hard when you are single

The holidays are hard when you're single. You've been stuck at the kids table for 12 years too long. You're left dangling on the roof as you attempt to hang your own Christmas lights.You're mailing people Christmas cards of you and your rabbit wearing matching Santa hats.

This is how I cope:

1) Make up stories about your future boyfriend. You might say to yourself "I've been waiting a good long time, when is he gonna show up?" Your negative attitude immediately thinks your future  love is out spending cozy Christmas time with some other chick--that he's having a great time without you hauling another girl's Christmas tree to her house while you struggle to shove that five foot shrub in the back of your Toyota Corolla.

Change that story. He's not kissing some other girl under the mistletoe. He's working extra hours to save up for your dream house. Because when you come along, he wants to give you the best. He's wishing every girl were you, but they're not. He's spending Christmas with his parents and younger cousins. He's running a toy drive gathering Legos and stuffed animals for little kids in need. He's writing a Christmas card to his older brother serving in Afghanistan.

2) Don't watch any ABC Family Christmas movies, unless it's Holidays in Handcuffs. What you see on TV is fiction. People don't fall in love two days before Christmas. Nobody falls down at an ice-skating rink and gets helped up by a hunky stranger in a cable-knit sweater. A soldier is not going to follow the trails of your hand-crafted Christmas card, wander into your home town, and offer to help at your father's saw mill. 

This movie is a load of croc. Release by Hallmark, though, not ABC.

Haven't seen this one, but I can tell from the title it is full of lies.

3) Know that you are needed. This isn't even pretend. Someone else needs you this holiday season. We don't always get to choose who needs us. I mean, I wouldn't mind a six-foot-three, brown eyed, dimple faced man who NEEDED help wrapping presents for 150 underprivileged children at his non-profit, but sometimes we are most needed by the people we overlook. So go out and help somebody. It will make your heart happy.

4) Become the life of the party. Learn a few magic tricks. Dress up as an elf. Tell a good story. Don't let couples (or babies) run the show. I've been rehearsing an entire routine for this Christmas Eve at my aunt's house. I'm starting out with a few card tricks, will move into fire juggling, tell a made-up story of how I served on jury duty and had to decide the verdict for a drug cartel leader, and then I will probably end with a short dance number from the Nutcracker.

5) Drink a lot of wine or peppermint schnapps, unless you are a recovering alcoholic. I support sobriety. But if you want to drink a second/third glass, wear a fur hat, and try to get your ex-boyfriend's cousin to dance with you at a Christmas party, I won't stop you. Sometimes the sheer hilarity of our situations help us get through.

6) Give unsolicited advice to the people of Craigslist. Create an email account (something like Dr J or Ann Flanders) and then message away! Encourage those posting in "missed connections" to man up and talk to the Albany Taco Bell cashier, or to ask the girl with the heart tattoo on her ring finger if you can take her to lunch. Or visit the personal ads and offer spelling and grammatical corrections. Just find something to take your mind off not having anyone to cuddle up and watch Christmas movies with. Because, I mean, I have a rabbit, so I'm fine.

Man Pants

On Saturdays I put on my man pants and do the things that I wish a guy would do. It doesn't even have to be a guy who belongs to me. It can be the gardener man. Or a teenager down the street. Maybe even a hobo man, but that is kind of pushing the safety perimeter.

Of course, I don't need a guy to do things like mow the lawn, clean the gutters, trim tree branches, dig up shrubs, and go to Home Depot with me. I can fully do all those things by myself if necessary. There is just something inherently wrong about it. I just feel like there should be a man doing these things, or at least helping me with them.

I look at it like this: If a button falls off a guy's shirt, he probably can figure out how to fix it himself with a needle and thread. But it just seems like he should have a girl there to help him, or to do it for him. Or maybe the guy is searching for pillows for his living room. He is fully capable of choosing pillows he likes, but it seems a bit wrong, like there should be some sort of female input on it. So he settles for asking the cashier what she thinks, kind of how like I settle for asking the Home Depot guy what kind of refrigerator I should get.

There's nothing wrong with a guy baking or a girl installing a light fixture, but to me, it seems like a key element is missing. Call me old fashioned. Am I the only one who thinks this way? Are there any other girls who have a pair of man pants folded up and put in a drawer for when you need them? Any men out there who need my help picking out pillows for their living room?


P.S. Mad props to my cousin Jason, who mowed my lawn last week in exchange for some freshly baked oatmeal apple cookies. 

hiding manly hotness behind a beard

There is a trend overtaking the northwest and its called "men in flannel with beards." The funny part is, only 11% of these guys are actually loggers. I just made that statistic up. But it's probably true. My great grandpa was a logger, and while he fully wore plaid flannel, he did not have a beard.

This post is dedicated to the discussion of the full beard. We're not talking about stand-alone mustaches, sideburns, goatees, or beards without mustaches like the Amish have. We're talking Tom-Hanks-my-best-friend-is-Wilson-and-I-live-on-an-island-with-a-full-beard-because-I don't-have-a-razor sort of facial hair.

I think full beards are men's way of getting back at girls for the poofy hairstyle.

Girls think this looks good, but many men don't. Girls really like big hair and get jealous when another girl has a better poof that she does. We try really hard to get at least a three inch height. Some girls use hot rollers and the ratting technique and a lot of hair spray to achieve this look. All I have to do is wake up in the morning.

Even when guys say we look stupid, we still rock this 'do. Men decided to retaliate and grow full beards, because they know we like it better when they are clean shaven. Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe guys try to one-up each other with beards.

They get jealous of one man's ability to grow a full beard in nine days, because here they are, stuck with patches on their left side. Let's not even talk about No Shave November. I try to avoid making eye contact with men during this month because I'm afraid I will either burst out laughing at their ridiculous mustache or give a look of horror because they now look like a murdering criminal who escaped from Alcatraz.

It's no secret to my closest friends that I am not a fan of facial hair. I prefer to view the hotness of man's face in full, and not behind a curtain of mustache and beard. The year after I graduated from college, I found myself attracted to a man who had a mustache and goatee. How many times did I want to slap myself across the face for this indiscretion? But I thought the guy was handsome because he was. It wasn't his facial hair that made him attractive. He would have been just as handsome (if not more) if he had a clean shaven face.

George Clooney looks hot with a beard because George Clooney is hot, period. Plus he's wearing a suit.

So men, listen up. Apart from Ke$ha, who really likes beards, if a girl is into a guy with a beard, chances are it's not because he has a beard. So don't go growing one just to snag a doll. But I know you won't listen, because just like guys like girls without poofy hair, this doesn't stop us from teasing our locks up to the roof.

Some guys look very distinguished in beards. Others look homeless. Which one are you? An easy way to tell is this: when  you walk into a fancy restaurant, are you seated immediately? Or does the hostess tell you that there are no public bathrooms available?

A few fellows find the beard to be a good disguise, kind of like celebrities in pajamas and sunglasses. They are way too hot with a shaved face, and it's causes the ladies to stare at them in awe like they're an exhibit at the zoo. The men are like "I'm scorching the ladies with the hotness of my jawbones. I really got to tone this down." So they grow beards.

Meanwhile, there's a girl out there with a sparkly poof on the top of her head who wishes she could uncover his smoking hot features with a magical razor. 

Ladies, feel free to chime in your preferences, even though it doesn't matter and men will continue to grow beards as long as they have testosterone. 


Men, tell me if I'm wrong. You grow your beards to impress other guys or because it is easier than shaving, not to impress girls, right?

Love is an Allusion: why we broke up

Before Christmas break freshman year of college, I reverted back to childlike behaviors and invented an imaginary friend. Imaginary boyfriend, more specifically. This was not because I am suffering from a mental disorder and can't distinguish between fantasy and reality, like Hurley making up his friend Dave in that episode of LOST. No, I invented him up because of my overly nosy and gossipy relative. Let's call her "Great-Aunt Marta."

Basically, Great-Aunt Marta always wants to know what is going on in my life. Specifically, she wants to know why I am not dating anyone. She always knows that I am not dating anyone because I never bring someone with me to family functions. I think her presumptions are a bit unwarranted, because there may be an off-chance that I am leading a secret life. I once considered hiring a male escort for Christmas Eve one year, kind of like that movie The Wedding Date where Debra Messing hires Dermot Mulroney as her date for her sister's wedding in London. But then I came to my senses and invented the imaginary (and free) Ethan Cole.

We dated for almost four years, but have recently broken up. More on that later. Ethan Cole is six foot three, has brown hair, brown eyes, very nice abs, and is from the San Francisco Bay area. He also plays baseball in San Francisco, which is one of the reasons he can never come with me to family functions. The other reason he can never make a public appearance is because he is visiting his family in California. With this whole back story created, I could finally face Aunt Marta in comfort and confidence.

But then we broke up.

I decided to end my long-term fictional relationship with Ethan after telling my roommate, Elizabeth, about him. Additionally, I think Natalie might have been skeptical about the relationship. I decided Ethan's really not my type, and he should date Liz instead. You should have seen her eyes light up when I told her not only is he tall, but he plays baseball. Also, Marta was starting to get suspicious.

Which is why I have decided to invent up a new BF. I'm just not sure who to choose this time. Should it be….

THE MUSICIAN, Hayden Burke

He's 5'9"ish, plays guitar, and writes contemplative songs. Eats granola and has been to Europe. Occasionally wears fuzzy wrist bands. Possible hidden tattoo. Probably has a MySpace Music site and owns a collection of CDs from obscure bands. Secretly collects Smerfs because he can't shake his 80s childhood.

Reason he's MIA at family functions: He's doing a show in another city.

THE BUSINESSMAN, Evric Larson

Evric stands at 6'1", wears a suit, and has a snazzy tie collection. Polishes his shoes. Likes a clean house and eating lobster. Watches The Office for inspiration (and because it's funny). Enjoys being in charge and increasing profits. Really likes Microsoft Excel.

Reason he's MIA: He's at a marketing conference (business people always have conferences to go to), or he's getting his office remodeled.

THE P.E. TEACHER, Josh Petersen

Is 6'3", likes basketball, and wears Nike shoes 24/7 (except when he's sleeping). Watches ESPN a lot and coaches teams for underprivileged youth. Has paper white teeth. Is the middle child in his family. Fears cherry tomatoes but won't discuss it.

Reason he's MIA: He's coaching a little league game (or whatever sport is in season at the time).

THE FOREIGNER, Juan Martinez

Juan is 5'11" and he loves his mamá and seven siblings. He has a silver filling in his left molar. He makes cheese tamales that are muy delicioso. Juan is from Colombia, and has escaped from the grips of his drug cartel leading Uncle Rico. His dream is to have a better life as an orthodontist in America. Has never met Shakira.

Reason he's MIA: He's visiting his home country (or his VISA got suspended).

OLD MONEYBAGS, Frank(lin) Rochester

Frank is 5'7"ish and bald. He's 10-25 years older than me. Smokes cigars. Owns an indoor pool and a collection of vintage cars. Vacations in Atlanta, Georgia or Berlin, Germany, depending on his mood. Has a walrus-like mustache, but I would force him to shave it off if we met.

Reason he's MIA: He's traveling the country (or is in the hospital due to a stroke).